DD… first boyfriend… boundaries

[Hye000]

My DD has got her first boyfriend 😩 what boundaries did you put in place or wish you had put in place?

this is all new to me so I don’t know whats what. They go to the same school & have known each other a long time. They are already spending a lot of time talking on the phone.

Age?

Age is crucial here.

Sorry, they are both 14

Chatting/messaging is fine unless homework starts to suffer/there are complaints about joining family activities because of missing it, in which case restrictions will be put in.
No being in bedrooms together with the doors shut (some people do no being upstairs together).
Possible restrictions about time spent at his house if his parents are not on the same page about supervision.

They are very new to dating so when do you start to allow them to be at each others houses? I was NEVER allowed boys in my house (although I did sneak one in a few times!) in fact I did a lot of sneaking around & up to no good so I don’t want to be overly strict that she will sneak around but also don’t want to appear too laid back and them get in too deep too early on

I have 2 teenage daughters and I wish id spoke to them more about red flags and controlling behaviour also the importance of making time for friendships and family. Both of mine where having sex at this age so make sure she has good contraception and explain the importance of condoms aswell

It would be weird as hell if you literally don’t let them set foot in each other’s houses?!

Why?

Thank you, I will definitely have this conversation with her. I can’t imagine DD being ready for sex but I guess non of us want to think our CHILDREN would do that but they do! I can’t even imagine her being ready to kiss him let alone do anything more than that. After how long were they having sex?

First daughter only a few weeks but she has always been completely out of control so many issues with her. 2nd daughter just over 6 months.

This but definitely NO sex

You need to talk to her about contraception, consent and safe sex.

You say yourself that you got up to all sorts behind your parents' backs, so you should assume that your daughter and her boyfriend will do the same.
🤣

Why? Because where are they supposed to see one another if you don't let him into your house?

School, cinema, bowling, youth club, town, parks… a million places. At least those places it’s not always going to be one to one & the added pressure. I feel like if they are always around each others house then the pressure to do things will become heightened. I remember a boy asking me to go to his house & when I was there I panicked when he asked if I wanted to go and play video games in his room as I thought he might try and kiss me 🤣

That was a lot older to be fair and mainly because I was hanging around with others that were up to all sorts because their parents allowed them to stay out late & I wasn’t allowed out late so I would say I was staying at my friends house and we would be walking the streets In the early hours!

So let your daughter and her boyfriend see each other in your house.
It's safer (and free) and you'll be there anyway.
At least you'll know where they are.
Honestly, if they're going to have sex, they'll find a place. Hopefully at 14 they won't. But you won't stop them by not letting him come to your house.

Make him welcome in your house but set boundaries like no closed bedroom doors. Have the sex/boundaries/red flags talk. Encourage them to meet out and about too but at you would like to know where she is and what time she'll be back.

Essentially give her a bit of freedom but not too much. My parents were far too strict when I had my first boyfriend and my mum was absolutely horrible. I think he only came to our house once. After that I gave them the impression I wasn't seeing him but used to sneak around and we did all sorts of stuff outdoors or at his house and I lied a lot about where I had been. In hindsight that made me far more vulnerable than dating him "in plain sight". If I'd run into trouble of any kind I would never have been able to seek their help or confide in them. I have a daughter now and I'd never want her to feel like that. I think she prefers her own kind but it's a bit early to tell

My parents were too strict. I'm an only child and female, my Dad was really overprotective and practically growled at friends who were boys (not even a boyfriend!). Bear in mind I'm 51 and my parents are in their 80's, so times and attitudes were different. However, the strictness, just made me sneak around, lie, I felt restricted and mollycoddle.

If your daughter invites her boyfriend over to your home, you know where they both are! Either no going into her bedroom or the door stays open policy. Definitely a conversation regarding contraception, consent, red flags, the importance of spending time with family/friends as well as seeing her boyfriend.

My DD goes to her boyfriends twice a week. They mostly hang out with his little brother but I’ve really stressed how important it is not to do anything more than kissing. I’m petrified she’ll behave like I did at 14.

I agree with this. So many teens are in controlling or abusive relationships. Two of my dd’s friends are and one of the guys has been violent with her. And it does happen the other way round, including a boy dd knows, she’s now his ex.

I also don’t understand why you wouldn’t let him home to your house. No one is saying every day. However, your dd is much safer in your home with him than elsewhere. If you expect your dd to roam and if they intend to have sex, they’ll just do it in the park or wherever. That’s not what you should want for her as it makes her vulnerable.

I wouldn't be setting "boundaries" because I'd expect my teenager to be capable of making her own decisions about what her boundaries are. I'd be having conversations about what healthy relationships look like, what behaviours are red flags to look out for, what she knows about safe sex and what to do if she feels pressured or uncomfortable in any situation- but those are conversations I have all the time even with my 6 yo, except for the safe sex one.

I have a DD who is nearly 14 and with her first boyfriend and it’s been a bit of a learning curve! Definitely be clear on your boundaries and have the chat about consent and safe sex etc. try to encourage time together out and about and not always in the house

It is much better to have them in your house where you can pass by with the laundry basket frequently and keep an eye on them (so they don't get too comfortable!), than unsupervised in a park! You don't have to e.g.: give them the living room to watch films in the dark, just carry on with your normal life around them.

I hope the two of them have a lovely fun time together. BUT you need to scare the wits out of them about sexting. They almost certainly don't know it is absolutely illegal for under 16s ('consent' is not relevant, both parties being underage is also irrelevant). Your DD has to stand her ground on no photographs, and understand why. Sit with her and read through information online - that keeps it very neutral and not personal/intimate. Sex is technically illegal too obviously but it's usually only angry parents who would press the nuclear option! Sexting is a ghastly area and your DD has to know she must say no, and why.

Wow! I’d hit the roof if my DD was having sex at 14!