Autistic son and dating

[ninetofiveeveryday]

My son is adhd / autistic and 15 (nearly 16). He has just started chatting to a girl from school who is the same age. They are in gcse year an he’s doing well academically and has good behaviour etc. He is spending hours on the phone texting and chatting to her. I have (secretly) checked his phone and some of their messages are sexual, quite general but talking about what they’d like to do to each other. I do not think they’ve had any contact as they only see each other at school so far.
is this normal for teenagers? I’m so worried that he is going to get obsessed with her or that he will get hurt so easily. Until recently he was quite shy but his friendship group has recently expanded and he seems happy.
I have talked to him about being appropriate, about everything he does being traceable online and being kind.
Im also worried he will focus on her and not school work, he’s already decided the last two weeks he doesn’t want to do football practice anymore.
please help me navigate this!?

What he’s doing is completely normal. Secretly reading his sexual text messages isn’t though?!

Yup, this.

Yes but need to speak to him about not sharing nudes as it’s illegal to send or have on phone until 18 years old and so many do it without realising it’s against the law even if done with consent or if it’s an image on themselves. Otherwise it’s perfectly normal.

It is completely normal, but it may not last very long. It might be worth warning him about that. At his age, my interest never lasted longer than a couple of months (if that) probably because I wasn't ready for anything too serious.

Dating and friendships are always a gamble whatever people’s ages. I understand why you’re worried but many adults struggle balancing friends, hobbies and relationships too and expecting a hormonal teen to keep a clear head is unreasonable.

I would consider stopping reading the texts to his gf unless his behaviour changes for the worst. A talk about not sending nudes because of the law is a good idea if that’s likely to stop him from being tempted but you should be happy that he’s making friends and dating as that’s something that doesn’t come easily to many others with autism.

Thank you. I have not routinely read messages and have no intention of doing so, we respect he needs his privacy and have recently changed for example from making him charge his phone in our room to trusting him to charge it downstairs and putting it there each night. I was just really worried over the weekend and felt I needed to check his history (for dodgy sights etc) and glanced at messages. We are having lots of open conversations with him and will keep doing so. I have talked about online activity being traceable and how respect is very important etc.
thank you for the reassurance everyone

If you can maintain an open conversation about dating, consent (remembering that it goes both ways - he should only agree to things he's comfortable with, and he should respond her boundaries) and make sure there is accessible contraception that they know how to use them that should help you stop worrying about a lot of this.

Yes, it's really hard when your autistic teen starts dating and there will be upsets along the way. But it's a normal part of development and it's a very good sign about his growing confidence and social skills that he has a romantic relationship with a girl.

Communicate with him , listen to him and advise him , but do not read his messages ! You can give him advice on modes , safe sex , the emotional side of relationships , keeping up with hobbies and school work without in invading his privacy.

We are very much trying to communicate with him but it’s a struggle, not because we are embarrassed or trying to shield him from anything but because he is so reluctant. He hides in his room and openly says he doesn’t want to talk to us, he’s been socially awkward for a long time although he is getting a bit better than he used to be and we keep gently trying to encourage him to have conversation with us.
Whilst we both (his parents) absolutely agree his privacy needs respecting, we as his parents feel we also need to remember he is still young, very inexperienced and socially he struggles. Whatever he does needs to be done with respect for a start, as well as safe. There is so much content out there that concerns us now and we are just worried. We’re finding it really hard to navigate 🙁 but these responses have helped reassure us his behaviour isn’t outrageously abnormal for his age etc. Our other child is only 9 and we do not really have family / friends etc who have been through this so just don’t know what is normal.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.