17-year-old struggling to start A-level work despite high grades

[Fratch]

Hi all, just seeking a little advice. My DD is 17, very bright, sailed through her GCSEs with a string of grade 9s and is now doing A levels. She is studying 4, all STEM subjects. At the beginning of year 12 she had some issues with friendship groups as most of her close friends are doing art subjects so she wasn't spending as much time with them as she would have liked, this seems to have now resolved itself.

However, we're now in a situation where every few weeks she will break down in tears saying she can't do the work and is now dreading parents evening next week and the upcoming mocks. She's not saying she can't do the work from an academic perspective but she simply can't make herself sit down and do it. I sympathise with this as I know when you feel overwhelmed sometimes the reaction is often bunny in the headlights and you do nothing.

I have offered to speak to the school, suggested she drop a subject, offered a space in my office if she can't work at home and even offered to get her someone other than me and her father to speak to like a therapist in case this is indicative of depression (I didn't mention depression to her but she keeps saying that her friends don't have this problem and thinks her behaviour is not normal or she's lazy). She certainly isn't lazy but is a perfectionist and from an early age pushed herself far harder than her teachers and we as parents certainly haven't pushed at all but supported whatever she wants to do. I'm at a point where I have suggested she pull out completely and reconsider her options but again this is being turned down, she "doesn't need help".

Any suggestion please, our DS also did 4 A levels, and is now at uni but is a completely different personality so I am at a loss as to how best to support her?

My son had / has this problem but what works for him may not work for your daughter. He needed help to focus on revision for GCSEs also.

I make a timetable (realistic) of what I expected him to achieve in free periods and at home and then I made sure he did it.

I do this because he does want to go to uni and get high grades but I can see it's hard for him to start these tasks. He is autistic.

Don't ask me how he will manage at uni because I don't know - study mentor support I hope.

I have a DD in year 13 who puts pressure on herself and tends to get stressed (like you, completely different to my laid back DS who is now at uni).

This may be just the way you've written your post, but it sounds like you're suggesting lots of solutions for her when it may be that she just wants to have a rant. Is it possible that her parents evening and mocks will be absolutely fine? When my DD breaks down and tells me how stressed she is I find it's best to hug her, sympathise and just try to absorb some of the negativity and leave her feeling lighter.

Drop an A level. I think even for bright dc the step up to A level is huge and it is a different way of learning. Ds got 13 A* at gcse and found 4 A levels really tough so dropped physics within 2 terms. It made a huge difference and took quite a bit of pressure off. He had time to relax a bit and do other things and this helped his mental health. I would seriously consider this.

I also agree with this, mine insisted on four and it's too late now, he's got too far to let one go, but it is absolutely too many.

drop an A level. She doesn’t need 4. A levels are a big step up from GCSE’s so she’s possibly finding it overwhelming

Did she need to work hard to get grade 9s at GCSE or did they come quite easily without a huge amount of work. It could be that she simply isn’t used to having to work as hard as she now needs to, to maintain her grades.

would it benefit her to make a timetable of what needs to be done when each week so that she doesn’t feel overwhelmed by the amount of work. It’s an awful lot taking 4 and STEM subjects have a huge step up from GCSE that it can be quite overwhelming even trying to understand what’s happening, never mind getting to grips with vocabulary and question styles.

My DD was just like this in Y12. It really was a difficult year as she felt she wasn’t coping at all. She also started 4 subjects, but dropped one at Easter of Y12 which made a big difference. She’s now in Y13, and even with exams now looming she has never gone back to that level of anxiety.

Yes, I think this might be the case, can't seem to switch off "mum must solve the problem" mode. I have also tried the hug and say nothing route, I just feel for her and tend to vacillate between the two approaches.

If 4 A levels include Maths and Further Maths, some universities courses want to see Further Maths and if a school does provide this and it was drop it may limit the degrees and university options.

One of mine also did 4 STEM and it was very stressful . We wondered why she bothered when her Russell Group Uni would only accept the grades from 3 anyway .
What worked for her was early walks , chats with no solution suggesting and things like a swim or playing cards .
She’s found uni a lot less stressful .
I think there is an unnecessary amount of pressure at A level . She wishes she had dropped a subject.

She sounds completely overwhelmed - I feel sorry for her. We had a similar thing with my girl while she was doing GCSE art and didn’t know where to start, she was completely overwhelmed with the work that needed to be done. We had quite a few meetings and talks with the teachers and they were able to completely streamline her work, and helped her build a bitesize timetable. She too is very much a perfectionist, and as you can imagine, art is not a good match for that. She is now doing all STEM subjects too.

I think speaking to her teachers at the Parents evening (or even before) would be the best course of action. They are the ones that know what is expected of her at this level, and they know what can be done to either - reduce the workload into a workable timetable, to drop a subject, or to generally reassure her that she is ok. My daughter took a lot of convincing to get her to talk to teachers and not see this help as a bad thing.

It might also be good for her to try and work in a different environment away from home - my now year 13 girl studies at the library and has her favourite spot there. She says she is too distracted at home to study and so spends a couple of hours after school each day. She also works in a cafe sometimes for a change of scene (and a tasty treat). This seems to work for her. She is also being assessed for ADHD, which makes it harder for her to concentrate and plan, so she says she has to work twice as hard to study.

I think the hardest thing for strong-willed perfectionist girls is to admit they might need some help from time to time.

Do not worry about dropping the 4th a level either. My dc insisted that doing so wouldn’t hinder them even though two of the others are maths and futher maths. They now have a place at Oxbridge to study economics - turns out thy were right