16 year old daughter with ADHD

[MadHouse24]

We have a 16 year old daughter with adhd. She has been challenging for a few years at home, but was always good outside the house and at school. However, she started sixth form last September and her behaviour has drastically deteriorated. She does go to school but is late most days and just rocks up when she wants.

At home, she is absolutely vile verbally. She literally constantly shouts if you try and speak to her and the things that she says are just vile and nasty. She blames me and my husband for her ways and says that it’s all our fault she is like she is. All we have ever tried to do is our best for her. She has lived a very privileged sheltered life and we have flooded our kids with experiences rather than toys so they have memories.

Around the house, all that has even been expected of them is to clear up behind themselves. If you make food, put your stuff in the dishwasher and keep your room tidy. That is far too much for her and she literally treats us like her slave, just shouting over us if we ask her to come back and clear up etc.

She has no respect for us and our things, take what she wants make up, clothes, food that we have said to leave…..there are no boundaries.

I could cope if she was lazy and messy but nice to us for example, but she literally rules our house and she is destroying us. She is making me ill as I am just so mentally low. We have tried every different approach going but nothing seems to work. I even signed us up to family therapy but after our first individual session she point blank refused to go back.

Has anyone got any advice from experience? I have tried riding this out but everything is getting worse rather than better and I can’t carry on.

Is she on Meds?

Yes Elvanse. She has tried a couple of different medications and personally I am not seeing any difference but she tells them everything is ok. As she is 16, they listen to watch she says over what I say!

Are there certain times when she flies off the handle? I know misophonia (hyper sensitivity to certain sounds) is linked to mealtimes or even just sitting on the sofa whilst someone's breathing drives them to breaking point. Take a look at the triggers if there are any.

I would assume her anxiety is sky high now that she is in sixth form and she literally has no ability to listen to anything you ask of her at home.
My daughter is incredibly messy and tbh at 16 I was seeing all the behaviours you talk of with one difference, we accepted she was incapable of managing sixth form, academic work, travel to and from schools, friends AND being in any way helpful. She just did not have the bandwidth

She is still to some extent selfish and very messy but she is learning stuff from her peers all the time where we have failed. All sorts of good things have come from her growing self confidence and self esteem where I think criticism and repeated complaints would have further eroded her executive function ! She has just passed her driving test first time, she has done well in her degree she has a good friendship circle, a very good job since uni in a creative field.

I think if you love bomb and support and lower your standards you will survive this. It's really tough to cope with the thick skinned stage but it comes with a very very thin skin too, and very low self esteem. So if you can find things to praise or things to share with her it may reduce the friction. Boundaries havent particularly worked, re- attachment parenting has!

There are practical ways to avoid clashing. If there is food you don't want her to eat don't put it in the fridge or cupboard. Hide it or don't buy it in the first place. Make up....well I don't have any and if I did I wouldn't mind lending it to her, it's a small thing to share. Tidy room...who cares? Shut the door. Dishwasher.. stick to one plate and reinforce reinforce but that is all. No other chores at this stage

Go to personal therapy and think a bit about how yoi frame the rights and wrongs of this situation; I don't mean this to attack you; more" reflect "
Privilege can just be a stick to beat people with if she is sheltered and privileged is that her "fault"...you are implying she owes you gratitude. Maybe you didn't have the care and love in your childhood she is getting, and you feel triggered and imagine others perceived you to be a failure at parenting . Reflect on why her behaviour makes you feel so especially angry and upset - you said you asked nothing of them except a few basic things but those are quite major things there is also school friendships clinical engagement you are taking for granted is expected of her. Some 16 year olds won't even go to school some won't eat some won't socialise. Maybe she is doing a lot more than you think.

Such great great advice I wish we had been given when we were going through this

Another practical thing a friend did for Her disorganised son was to drive him to sixth form every day. I know that sounds like a lot but she said otherwise he would have been late every day. He is now a very reliable, self motivated self employed of 30. I remember one of us used to make breakfast with our daughter every morning at 7am before she got on the school bus, an hour's journey and I drove her in two days a week. I was late for school every day in sixth form and I wish someone had noticed why I was floundering; my parents were very busy with the other children and assumed I was grownup enough to manage to organise myself. Even a cup of tea first thing and a bit of a chat might have set me up or they might have found out I found the school work impossible.

She does have the offer of a lift to school every day and constant prompts of time but is never ready! I have 2 other drops offs and work to start so it’s difficult as if she isn’t ready to go, there’s nothing I can do!