Autistic son never wants to go anywhere without me

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My son is autistic, he is 14, he never ever wants to do anything alone and won’t leave the house without me. He won’t even go to the library across the road without me. He said a new movie is coming out soon he wants to watch, I offered to drop him and his brother there and collect him and he suddenly doesn’t want to watch it! Has anyone had this before?

Has he always been like this or is it a new thing? Does he go to school?

no not a new thing, he’s always been like it but it seemed more an age thing and i was told he’d probably grow out of it but obviously he is older now and hasn’t. he goes to school but even that requires me collecting me and dropping him there. its not that he doesn’t want to be without me he would stay home alone (although he would prefer not to) it’s that he doesn’t want to go outside alone.

You need to write an exposure ladder where you have going places with you at one end and going out on his own at the other end. Then fill in the gaps with tiny managable steps. So for example would he maybe go out with you but sit with his brother in the cinema and you could sit in the row behind. Or go on the bus but you sit on seperate seats. Then you do it again but sit slightly further away. It will be slow and take a lot of time but it is worth it because the benefits to his self confidence and independence in the long term will be huge.
He needs to be on board for it to work.
It's also important for him to know some basics about anxiety and panic responses. You could say that new things can be hard for lots of people and that our bodies are designed to respond to tiger attacks by having a fight, flight or freeze response but that nowdays because there are no tiger attacks, out bodies sometimes misbehave and do this for other reasons. This response feels really scary but only lasts for a maximum of 20 mins and that because we are clever humans we can just sit and watch it happen until it is finished and then carry on with what we were doing before.

This will be really hard for you and for your son but I cannot express how worth while it is. I have done it with my kids and they have flourished into much happier more independent humans and I am so proud of them.

Ps. It might take ages, like years and if you struggle with one step just go back a rung on the ladder and try again or make the step a bit smaller.

Mine has just turned 18, but has been like this in his earlier teen years. He worked out from his autistic friends that it was 'social anxiety', he was just anxious to be out alone, having to cope with the world.
Now at 18 he's doing better, I talk him through things and often go with him (or just offer to hover in the background) while he does certain social things to give him the confidence that he's not totally alone, but that I have confidence that he can do this. Its taken a lot of talking, a lot of reassurance and lots of practise, but he's getting there.
Oddly, when he's out to meet his autistic friends he has more confidence. Strength in numbers maybe?

Autistic children often have a complex developmental profile and can have a maturity level which is 2-3 years behind their peers - so effectively your DS may still be at the emotional level of an 11 yr old in some areas. He will get there, but you need to help him.

thanks for the advice, yes he will sit separately to me if we go out but i’m not sure he’d do that in the cinema as he’d worry someone would sit next to him.

i dont know how else to help him i’ve offered to take him to the library and wait outside (the library is literally straight outside out front door), drop him and his brother to the cinema etc his brother is 11 (12 tomorrow) and has been travelling to secondary school on his own since he started

he has no friends and he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t want any.

Life is about choices. If he doesn't want a random person sitting next to him then he can choose to engineer it so that he is on the end of a row and takes someone he knows or choose not to go to the cinema or to choose to increase his tolerance (which might not be a viable choice at the moment.
You should as a parent help him to access stuff sometimes but you will not be able to always be there to go to everything with him and he does need to learn that at some point.

Help him to be empowered to have choices and strategies to manage his own needs.

I can empathise OP. i have a 19 year old like this. He never leaves the house without me. I don't know what to do with him because he is simply waiting it out for his meds (he was recently diagnosed with ADHD as well and is waiting for his prescription) . He also has no friends. School was difficult. 6th Form was worse. He just couldnt cope with the environment at all. I have no answers. I'm just trying to get him through day to day.

How about asking him for suggestions? Say that you are going to need him to start being more independent as time goes on, how and when would he like to handle that and how can you help?

Also maybe have a think about what are your own limits and where you are willing to continue to accompany him, as he sounds as though he will need this for longer.

We have done more or less what @Geneticsbunny has said with the help of this book that explains how to do it without insisting the child decides to go out of their comfort zone.
Hang in there, you'll get there. But it will take ages!
https://www.spacetreatment.net/manual-and-books

When i was suffering with agoraphobia i found exposure therapy excellent and really helpful. The key is go slow

Would you be able to access some therapy for him? My daughter is autistic and has anxiety and we are a few sessions into therapy with CAHMS (after a 2 year waitlist) and it’s been extremely helpful. The ladder thing is what they are working on (I’m in the room too as she won’t go without me so I’ve heard it all). Basically working through tiny little successes and working through things. For her a huge focus is on speaking as she has situational mutism so they role play and rehearse and she tries one new thing in between each session. Could you work towards a small goal? Maybe sit a row behind him and then sit in the hallway and then sit in the lobby etc etc?

I’m a bit confused by this. You have a child with autism and you’re suddenly worrying about him going out or not? Haven’t you been involved with services before now?

Lol. What ‘services’ do you imagine there are?

OP, my child is the same age and doesn’t go out without me either. It’s a combination of going along places to help them feel safe, and encouraging them to develop independence where possible. No easy answers. But 14 is still young.

I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to be so insensitive. I really do apologise.
I guess I meant more, something like, is this a surprise in teenage years? As in, was there no preparation from before? Again, I do understand there is so little support.

And I apologise for being so snippy! I think I misread your tone.

I guess with my dc, it became more of an issue in the teen years. It’s normal for younger children not to want to separate from parents, or at least within the normal range for less confident dc. Mine developed huge anxiety around the age of 11 though and wouldn’t even be in another room. Prior to that, she went to school, brownies etc without me. Now goes nowhere.

That makes a lot of sense, I guess puberty has a lot to answer for.
Sorry again, I have learnt something tonight.

My daughter blended more when she was younger as lots of little kids aren’t super independent. A lot of her differences are becoming more evident now she’s a teenager.

I started with DD1 by dropping her at the ‘door’ and then going to park. I gave her a task to complete whilst she was waiting for me.

For example, the library. Return this book at the self-service machine for me and I will meet you at computer 3.

So you could try going to the library but in a different sectiom from him.

What services do you mean? We aren’t involved in any services and as soon as he was fiabisef we were discharged, he was only diagnosed last year, im not “suddenly worried” just before it seemed like an age thing and I thought as he got older he would become more independent/ confident but it hasn’t improved.

I’ve done stuff like that it’s that he won’t leave the house at all without me.