15 DD fell out with me feeling low

[Charlotte350]

My 15 year old DD wants to pursue a fashion course in London. The plan was to stay with an auntie who lives there and 8 mins drive from her college 2 days per week. The plan has apparently now changed as she wants to stop with her friend and live at her friends 'uncles house' her friend has told me he's not really an uncle just a family friend. When DD told me that she wants to live with her friend and her friends 'uncle' I said that's not an option I don't know this person and she said I was crazy as he goes to her friends church. She shouted and I of course lost my temper too at this point explaining my concerns I said I don't know anyone who would let their 16 year old live with a man who they don't even know and tbh I think it sounds unsafe to me. She went to her friends house this weekend and me and her dad got a text from her friend mums saying they had been a problem and she's staying there, we knew this as her dad dropped her off. I'm feeling very low about this at the minute I feel whatever I say or do is wrong to her but she has to understand that I don't think it's right going to live a man on his own and having two 16 year old girls living with him doesn't sit well with me. I'm really struggling with teenage years. I don't think I'm wrong on this am I? The whole weekend I felt low over this

Definitely the Auntie scenario.
Random bloke not so much.
Hope you get it sorted.

You’re not wrong at all and were right to express your concerns.

The law does allow a 16yr old to live where they choose, so you can’t really stop her.

Personally I would reiterate your concerns and how risky it is but if she is set on it then

• you love her and she can always call you even if she just changes her mind and you will go get her home no questions, no I told you so, no judgement
• you can talk to her aunt and propose that she visit her aunt at least once a month and see if aunt can also make the same offer of if you ever feel you’re not safe or your friend turns out to be a shit flat mate, get a cab to mine, don’t worry about the fare you can still stay with me.
• you can say let’s get in the habit of what’s apping and/or calling every day even if it’s a look at our cool outfit for the day or I saw ducks in the park, or I saw this cool street fashion.
• Make a point to go with her to where she will be living and visit her a month later and then regularly after that so you can get eyes on her and her living situation. Get contact info and test it on the spot for friend and friend’s uncle. Make sure auntie has this info too.

Mitigate the risks, make sure to say she is loved and no bridge is being burned if she goes against your advice.That you have her back. That this is not you saying things will go badly this is like insurance, it’s just in case. I know that’s obvious, but it helps to say it on repeat so a teen that’s too angry and headstrong to believe it now because their asserting they’re independence will recall it if they change their mind or things go tits up.

She’s staying at her friends house? I’m confused. She’s decided to stay there because she’s mad at you?

OP, you gotta toughen up. Of course she can’t live in London with some strange man at her age- it’s completely ridiculous. Outrageous that she feels even remotely that it’s an option, and that you are second guessing herself.

What is this fashion course? Is it a creative course?

The whole thing sounds like a bonkers idea cooked up by 15 year olds.

If she is having a tantrum at her friends house, tbh you should collect her immediately .

as others have said she can legally leave home at this point.

you are better off using reasoning and persuasion on a teenager than having a stand up row. They don’t usually respond well to being told off as you’ve seen.

obviously you want her to be safe. The best way is to work with her. Is there a reason she doesn’t want to stay at aunties?

sometimes colleges like this have arrangements for lodging and similar - there’s a few places near me that take 16 year olds who are living away from home and it’s usually lodging with vetted families.

Well she wanted her friend to come over yesterday afternoon but we were too busy. We do let her friends come over regularly, she has her birthday party next weekend I didn't think there was a problem when she left she just told us she was going to get friends house...we got a text from her friends mum saying she knows there's been a problem but doesn't know what and just letting us know she was staying there.

The fashion course is a diploma it's a fashion retail course she wants to do. She said she didn't want to pursue the course at a local college and it was to ghetto for her.. the college that she wants to go to is the same one Molly May went to. It does look appealing, but the option was to stay with her aunt but I think because her friend is doing a different course but also in London they have this plan to live together, but I don't like the sound of this uncle idea.

I’m just imagining the replies if you’d posted this as a reverse… my 15 year old daughter is starting a fashion course in London, she’ll be staying at her friend’s uncle’s house, well when I say uncle he’s just some guy, I’ve never met him, it sounds fine, isn’t it great for her…,,
I think the site would blow up.

I think the reason she's changed her mind is she likes the idea of living with her friend more. I didn't know the could legally leave home at 16 I just thought it was at uni age.

Why are you allowing her to stay at her friend's tonight? At 15, she really doesn't call the shots. Put your foot down and go and get her