Dd wanting to change schools due to friendship issues

[Cypressgrove1]

Dd is 14 and has fallen out with most of her friends and now, according to her, they constantly talk about her, follow her around making comments etc. We have been in touch with the school about this but it hasn't helped.

She had 2 friends left at the school but they did something stupid (but fairly minor imo) and ended up suspended for a month and one was expelled. The upshot of this is that my dd is now alone at school for at least a month and has no one to sit with or talk to. I know this must be awful for her but she is now refusing to go, or coming home early saying she feels sick, asking me to come get her at lunchtime etc. Its a very small private school so making new friends at this stage is very difficult.

However, there is literally only a couple of months until the end of the year and she is then moving on to a new much bigger school, which she has already been accepted to and is looking forward to.

She now wants to change schools at this late point in the year because of the situation. Am I wrong to insist she finishes out the year? Admission to this new school is still dependent on her final grades and I dont think transferring will be so seamless that her grades will be able to just stay on track. I did contact them to see if she could start now but unfortunately its not an option this late into the year. I just feel so bad for her and dread every drop off and pick up. Going by the threads on here it seems to be fairly common for teenage girls to go through this but its just so awful

Is it possible for her to start at the new school either this term, or at the start of next term?

if it is, then I would consider moving her.

if it’s not, then I would leave her where she is, but work with the current school to improve things there in the meantime.

No, this isnt possible unfortunately 😔

If she's refusing to go to the current school, surely moving her to a school where she will attend is the better option?

I think i would let her choose. It must be awful for her and rather her try. I would speak to the school and explain the situation, that way if it doesn't work out hopefully the old school would allow her to come back. (My friends son was in similar situation and this is what she did, the son ended up going back, and were helpful).

I would try pushing the school to follow their bullying policy and remind DD that when her friend comes back, will need her there and try and stick with it.

I don’t think she’d get anything educationally from any other environment. A school change at this point in the year if she’s going somewhere else in September would be pretty disruptive for her, you and the school she went to. They’ll be at different places in the curriculum and have different expectations that will be hard to assimilate. It will be an excuse for her to build up a bigger chip on her shoulder about schools in general.

I would push her to keep going, assuming the bullying from her ex-friends can be stopped, it will be good for her to learn that actually, yes, she can go into school and get through the day even though her friends aren’t there and it may not be great but it’s not going to kill her.

Sounds like a pretty ropey school and a dodgy set of friends, though. Is the new school in September in response to that? Are there other issues around the school environment that you’d like to get her away from anyway? That might sway my opinion. If she really won’t go in or you’d quite like her out anyway, maybe see if there’s a project she can do from home. Either through the school or take her out and homeschool for the last few months.

I mean, if she’s being bullied every day that would also affect her grades I would think? It’s a very tricky situation but it certainly will be bad for her mental health.

Could you investigate off rolling her and supporting her with a tutor to see out the remains of this year at home until she starts afresh? You’ll also have to consider how tbe summer works in this circumstance as she’ll be out of a social loop.
If it were me I would hold the school to account and make my expectations clear around desired outcomes for your daughter and work back from there to examine what they can do about it. They should be able to help sort this out and stop the bullying and help your daughter feel safer again. And if that didn’t bear fruit, and she’s academically able, I would offroll and fill her week in other ways.

She isn't refusing to go everyday. My worry is the same thing will happen if we let her switch schools and then what? Also, we are in the US and our local school district is one of the worst in the country education wise, and not exactly safe either. The school we are zoned for is performing below average for the district so even worse and has a reputation for fighting and bullying. Im extremely reluctant to send her there, even if it is temporary. We would still have to pay the tuition for the private school regardless of if she is still attending or not.

The move next year is from middle school into high school so lots of kids change at that time. Every American says that middle school is horrible for pretty much everyone so I'm hoping, and so is she, that she can make new friends and leave behind the troubles of this school.

Thanks everyone for the input. Its only been a week that she has been without her friends but the bullying from the ex friends (one in particular) has been going on for months and has included online harrassment. Some weeks she doesnt seem bothered though and is happily going in, but obviously this is a lot harder to deal with alone. I will contact the school again about this. She already has a therapist, and so far her grades are great. The only thing affecting them temporarily is being absent occasionally.

Given the update I would pull her out and homeschool for the rest of her middle school. I'm in the US at the moment with kids in High School, they and their friends all had a great time in middle school with little to no bullying. It's not inevitable, even in the US (which does not seem to have the same expectations of school around child welfare as the UK). But that's not much help to you if your DD is in a school that doesn't really care.

If you can afford it, a tutor would be good. But it's only 3 months and if she's not going in anyway and the school's pretty ropey she won't be missing much compared to staying at the school, so this isn't essential. Make an agreement with her that if she's going to drop out of the school, she will do X, Y and Z each day/week. And follow up with her about what she does in the day, ask for photos and videos. Talk to her each evening (I'm assuming you will be out of the house working). Encourage her to go see her friends in the evening and weekend. Get a video doorbell of some type that will alert you to comings and goings (on each door). It's hard work, but hopefully more useful for your DD than going into an environment like the school.

Is the school dealing with the online bullying. If it is relentless as you’re saying, a private school in the uk could well suspend or expel a student for this. Your dd already has some anxiety issues affecting her stomach (feeling sick) from this. I would be going in hard on the school to sort this out. If you really can’t get a change, I’d be doing as @RawBloomers suggests. If your dd isn’t in a safe environment, you certainly shouldn’t be paying for the privilege!