17 year old lad and porn :(

[Teenthree]

I’ve just been into DS’s room and found a “spare” mobile which I think is my old one with a crap battery. I flicked through it and it’s chock full of porn. We have talked before about exploitation and women as sex objects and how it’s not normal. Seems to have made no difference. He doesn’t know I know about the phone. He’s downloaded a VPN too because there’s no SIM and my router is set with super high settings.

What do I do now??????

Confiscate the phone and tell him “not under my roof”.

Ok. Is that the general received wisdom?

Well I’d get rid of the phone for sure.

No. I would definitely avoid shaming him and instead, have a further open and frank conversation about this. I also think the type of content he is accessing is key, as there is a huge spectrum here.

Did you really think that just having a chat with a teenage boy about female exploitation would mean he wouldn't look at porn? Surely you can't be that naïve?

You told him looking at porn is not normal? Way to go to give him major hang ups. Making him feel shame for something most boys are curious about is a bit shit.

Boys/men have been looking at porn and watching porn forever.

Are we talking just some nude/topless pics here or hard core porn stuff? There is a massive difference so the approach would be different.

I agree with this. Shaming him is only going to permanently slam shut any chance you have of open and constructive communication about this.

Yes, I’d probably get rid of the phone but I wouldn’t start and end there. I’d probably bring it into the open, a proper chat, you’ve seen it, curiosity at that age is totally developmentally normal but the important thing is that porn isn’t real life. I’d use it as a chance to have a proper chat about it, consent, realistic expectations, how porn can shape those things in a negative way.

Obviously if we are talking about extreme porn then my stance would be different but although its not popular on MN lots of people, men and women, do watch porn and at 17 he won’t be the first or last.

How do I know what’s “normal” and hardcore? It seems to be mostly women
of his age and a lot are bizarrely (AI I think) pregnant.

I didn’t say “looking at porn isn’t normal” I said normal life isn’t like porn. That’s different isn’t it?

Eh, as a woman, a lot of it isn’t that far off the mark.

I think it makes a difference what it is too. If it's not violent and not demeaning or extreme i would take a different view to if it were. The pregnant thing is a bit left field but I'd be more concerned about what the girls are doing and how they are being treated. Is it just images or videos as well?

I think you should ignore it and get on with your life. I've no idea what sort of porn my DS's look at and I really really really do not want to know!! Because it is none of my business and would be mortifying for all of us.

I'd leave him alone and not snoop through his stuff. He's almost an adult.

17? At 16 I had my own child and had moved out. Hell be a fully grown adult in one year

Lots of men find pregnant women sexually attractive.

I think you have to leave your son to develop normally alone now he is in his late teens. You cannot control his sexuality no matter how you try. You are more likely to push him towards more taboo and extreme expressions of whatever he is into by getting yourself involved. He might even start to incorporate his strict, shaming, mother into these fantasies.

Maybe frame it in terms of the negative impact porn can have on him and his future sex life and relationships? Teenagers are selfish I'm afraid and the exploitation of women might be a bit too removed from him for him to really care about right now as harsh as that sounds.

If it was porn mags as it was years ago, would you feel any different?
I think boys (and girls) will seek it regardless which form it’s in, curiosity for sure.

I have tried to be very open with my teenager about porn. So I have told her that I wouldn't consume it personally, because of the risk that you are watching someone who is trafficked/coerced. I have told her that some female friends of mine do use porn on occasion, and that doesn't make me hate them, but that it wouldn't be for me...

She has told me she broadly shares my views, and has little to no interest in it. But I expect she either has already viewed some, (she said she hasn't seen any yet) or if not will at some point.

Teenagers are curious. It's impossible to prevent them accessing porn, realistically (most of us found ways to view it on occasion long before the advent of the internet, and imagine how much easier it is now!); so your heat bet is honest dissuasion I would think...

It kind of depends how open you are with him about sex in general? I have never had a son, so I don't know whether that makes it harder.... If you can't speak freely to him about this issue, is there a trustworthy man in his life who could?

Good luck. I really feel for you, OP - hideous thing to have to deal with.....

Sorry, just thinking about it a bit more - is he has a thing for pregnant women, that could potentially lead him to irresponsible contraceptive choices? I may be catastrophising, but...

Again, worth a chat. Either with you if that's possible, or a responsible male if there is one to hand. Just to make sure he has thought through the consequences of being led by his own sexual preferences....

Is he sexually active, do you know?

Thanks for your replies.

Yes we are very open about sex and can chat about anything. He absolutely isn’t sexually active so no worries there.

Normal, you let him get on with it. Talk to him about the negatives if you must but he'll look at nude images and videos of women regardless whether you like it or not.