WWYD - 17 year old problem with boy at school

[Clarec38]

Wwyd? My 17 year old daughter is in 6th form. She started there in September. If it’s relevant, it’s mixed whereas her previous secondary school was all girls.
She liked a boy in her class last term and was at the “talking” stage. But it turned out he had a girlfriend outside school and had been leading her on. Not that big a deal. She was a bit pissed off but got over it. The girls rallied around and she moved on.
Seems like he tried it on with other girls and a few of them spoke to her about him and I guess she didn’t mince her words about what she thought about him!
Anyway, fast forward to now and this boy seems to have a real vendetta against her. He is being really cruel about her appearance and making comments about her to his group who are all laughing at her and calling her names, picking on her appearance.
She has tried ignoring it in the hope that he’ll get bored and move on but it’s been weeks now and her self esteem is understandably knocked. She says she’s never felt bad about her appearance but now she just sees the thing he teases her about and can’t unsee it. I worry that it’s going to affect her and affect her studies.
I am so so sad and angry.
So, here is my wwyd. My DH wants to wade in to school and see the head. He believes that it’s bullying and unacceptable etc. My daughter is adamant that she does not want us to get involved and that it would make things worse. She says she will never share her feelings/problems with me again if I go into school. I do get this and feel that we should respect this. She is almost an adult and I think it would be better to try and equip her with ways to deal with the situation. (Although I don’t really know how).
I get that this little idiot should be called out but don’t think “mummy and daddy” getting involved is the answer. My DH and I are falling out over this. What would you do?

At 17, I'd follow her wishes and instead help her find the tools to deal with this herself.

Don't break her trust, help her work through it as an autonomous adult, which will also give her valuable skills for her 20s and help her more than storming into the school

Thanks that’s what I think.

Horrible situation but you mustn’t wade in.

If she's asked you not to wade in with the school, don't.

Where are they saying these things to her?

I think around school, dining hall etc although he is in one of her classes. Also in Snapchat groups I think but I don’t know much about Snapchat. I think the messages disappear no? And if you screenshot the person knows?

Your husband should call this misogyny out, and inform the school so that the school can tell these boys that the behaviour/bullying is unacceptable. Men need to correct men/boys, so I would encourage him to do so. And tell your daughter why bullies and misogyny must be stopped.

I would argue for this with your daughter but, if you can't convince her, I would respect her wishes.

at 17 you need to respect her wishes

I’m not sure, but I think I’m with your husband here.

I was a bit younger, but remember begging my mother not to go into school to complain about a teacher who was being overly harsh with me.

She went in anyway and I only found out years later. The treatment from the teacher improved and I think she did the right thing intervening. I was too young to make the correct call. 17 is very young too. Why shouldn’t these boys be called out on their bullying behaviour? They should be imho.

I get what people are saying about teaching her to deal with it independently, but sometimes the way to deal with things is to take your courage in your hands and report the behaviour, not to shy away in the fear of ‘upsetting’ the bullies further. She seems to be doing the latter and that’s not a great lesson to learn.

Yes, if you screenshot Snapchat it is noted BUT if you use a second device to take a photo, you can keep a copy of the messages without the record or a screenshot.

I’d approach him directly. I’d wait for him after school and tell him if my daughter comes home upset by something he’s said one more time I’ll beat the living shit out of him..and make sure to let him know he’s a pathetic, misogynistic excuse for a human being. Mind you I’m covered in tattoos and piercings and go everywhere with my Rottweiler, so people tend to be intimidated by me

I am with your Dh on this, I know we are a couple of months on now. If no one stops him he will just continue and so will his friends. His behaviour is unacceptable.

As for her not sharing her feelings again this is a child's response. If you wish to equip her with the tools to stop this behaviour then she needs to report it. She needs to stand up to him. I can't believe one of her friends hasn't reported it. It is affecting her, she needs to get it to stop and the only way is by reporting the behaviour. So it is either her, or you/Dh.

Sorry OP, I didn’t realise this was an older thread when I posted earlier. I hope the situation has been resolved now.

Thank you for the recent responses. I particularly like @Waitingforthesunnydays suggestion! I think my husband would too!
The update is that my daughter reported it herself. I kept explaining that this kind of misogyny was unacceptable. The school had some kind of anonymous way to report which she and her friends used.
Anyway, my additional voodoo worked (just kidding!) because the little shit was expelled!! Totally unrelated behaviour but I am guessing that the anonymous reporting could have helped. All his “gang” have turned out to be perfectly nice guys without him there and my daughter is happy again. Phew