Son hates school, has no aspirations, spiraling towards being expelled

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My son has always hated school but since starting year 10 and the pressures of gcse's its all going very wrong.im going into school tomorrow for a meeting, the second one , but nothing ever changes.
He messes about, has no respect for staff, is late to lessons, doesnt do homework, doesnt attend detentions . There is work experience coming up and hes now refusing to do that
Says he doesnt want to so anything when he leaves school
He has adhd and is struggling terribly. Socially because he feels he has to be stupid to fit in. And academically because he finds the work hard and cant focus. Instead of trying hard or asking for help, he gets himself sent out so he doesnt have to do it.
He is on report permanently, that does nothing to deter. Hes on the highest level of report. We are at the end of our tether and dont know what else to do.

Outside of school where there are no pressures hes completely different. Hes fine at home, hes fine with friends and family. Never caused us an ounce of trouble outside of school. He has different friends outside of school.
He is scared of a lot of things. Has health anxiety. So wont vape, take drugs , drink. He can be sensible and is very polite and well mannered. Everyone loves him who see him outside of school. Hes got a great personality.
But in school hes a completely different person . We dont know what to do . And we dont know what to do after he leaves school next year either as college would be just as bad. And its a 2 hour bus journey away.
At the rate he is going he is going to fail all of his gcses. He wont do any revision. Doesnt retain anything that hes learnt because hes not listening in the first place. I wish I could just pull him out but what good would that do?
We have other kids not like this and husband and I are high achievers with alot of qualifications, went to uni and have senior jobs. We cant relate and everything we say to him he says is nagging and he doesnt care. He does care, alot actually, but for some reason hes choosing to deal with it by being stupid

our DS is similar. No great advice but we have found that prioritising our relationship with him is the most important thing. I feel a lot of pressure from others to just get stricter and stricter and enforce more and harsher consequences but for him, Punishments don’t work and just make him more disengaged. He does the best when he feels safe, loved and supported. Hang in there OP- I know how it feels to be so desperately worried

Declaring an interest: I'm Sam, and I make PSHE lessons for secondary schools, including alternative provision, so I see a lot of lads who've completely switched off from school.

gameofmoans83, you're right about the relationship. It's the one thing that holds when everything else is falling apart, and harsher and harsher consequences rarely work with ADHD.

A few practical things that can get missed when ADHD and exclusion risk come together:

• Put it in writing and ask the school what reasonable adjustments are in place for his ADHD, like movement breaks, a time out card or a named adult he can go to. ADHD can count as a disability, so the school has duties here, and a lot of what looks like defiance is a kid escaping work he can't access.
• You can ask the local authority for an EHC needs assessment yourself. You don't need the school to do it.
• If exclusion is being talked about, ask about a managed move or part time alternative provision before it gets to a permanent exclusion. Some colleges also run 14 to 16 programmes that suit hands on kids far better than GCSE classrooms.
• IPSEA give free, independent advice on SEN and exclusions and are very good.

And keep hunting for the one thing he's into, whether it's cars, gaming, a trade or football. Aspirations usually grow out of that rather than out of exam pressure. Hang in there, both of you.