Hi all, hoping for some advice from parents a bit further along than me because I feel like we’re stuck in a constant battle at the moment.
My daughter is 12 and very likely neurodivergent (no formal diagnosis yet, but it’s something we’re exploring). She’s an amazing kid, funny, kind, creative but personal hygiene has become a HUGE daily struggle.
Getting her to shower, wash her hair, brush teeth, etc. turns into arguments almost every time. She’ll happily go over a week without washing her hair if left to her own devices, but then wants to wear it down. When I suggest tying it up because it looks greasy/dirty, she says she doesn’t care how she looks and it escalates into a row.
The slightly ironic part is that my husband and I are quite alternative and have always raised her with a “don’t worry about what other people think” mindset so that now gets thrown straight back at me! I try to explain that this isn’t about appearance or fitting in, it’s about being clean and looking after yourself, but we seem to go round in circles.
I’m really trying not to shame her or damage her confidence, but equally I feel like basic hygiene is a non-negotiable life skill and I don’t know how to enforce it without constant conflict.
If anyone has experience with preteens (especially neurodivergent ones) who resist hygiene routines — what actually helped?
Did anything reduce the battles?
Is this just a phase I need to ride out, or are there strategies that worked for you?
Feeling a bit worn down by the daily arguments and would really appreciate any advice or perspective.