Phones 😬 would love some help

[Silvercoffeenosugar]

For reasoning won’t go into, I am quite isolated from other parents (SEND children, eldest out of school for a while etc etc) and so I don’t get to chat about this type of thing really.
DD is 13, she has a smart phone - in the evening it is surrendered at about 8pm on a school night and 9pm at weekends. It charges in my room. She feels this is really unfair and thinks that she should have access to her phone later in her room, and it should charge in her room overnight. Social media is not allowed after these times so I’m not even sure what she would want it for - she shared that she thinks she is being treated like a baby. She has a new TV in her room and can have that on until 9.30pm on a school night - but not on YouTube (she currently loves is it cake!).

Am I being too strict? I just think she will really struggle to self manage having her phone. She has ASD and ADHD and we are slowly coming out of what has been a horrendous couple of years.

I also have an 11yo DS, no phone yet. He also has ASD.

They both are sticklers for the rules and expect things to be fair, but if I make things later for her - I know he will struggle.

Added to the mix is that I often have to lay next to her for company whilst she falls asleep (this is a HUGE progression so am not complaining too much).

What kind of time do your teens go to bed? Have screens off? get them back?
do they have their phones but with no social media access past a certain time?

I want to give her independence but I'm
not sure this is the way.

She is still struggling with school attendance but during school hours there are never phones or iPads etc available at home so we do have reasonable boundaries (I think anyway).

I’m struggling to help her feel older and trusted as there are so many aspects of her life that she still needs lots of support in (more than a neurotypical 13 yo) and she is so young in so many ways.

I’d love comments, advice or just to get a snapshot of how other families manage this.

My 14 yo (Y9) and 10yo (Y6) have a ‘no phones in bedrooms’ rule unless they are making a call. No internet and no social media. 14yo submits phone to us at 8.30pm and 10yo at 7.00pm. We are on the stricter side for sure but it works for us.

No phones in bedrooms here too.

My 12yo is pushing hard EVERYONE ELSE CAN, why don't I trust him etc etc but absolutely not.

FWIW I think your device times sound generous but not overly lax for a 13 yo.

Yes we try to say all devices off at 8pm then you can watch tv with the family for one hour. Dc are 13 and 14.

they push the boundaries every night but I feel that’s a pretty fair rule.
(also lie down with 13yo to fall asleep!)

Ive said no to all social media except WhatsApp. 13yo loves YouTube.

I also try to make sure they’re not on it much in the day.

it’s really bad for them- so I’m sure the stricter you are the better.

I can only tell you what we did, not whether it was right.

Until after GCSEs we had no phones in bedrooms after bedtime for our teens. They were charged downstairs. We were fairly generous with phone/screen time but after hearing their phones ‘pinging’ with messages/snaps until the early hours I still maintain that they were better off without them - sleep is important.

In 6th Form we didn’t ban phones after bedtime but by that point they were a lot more responsible. I’m sure some nights they were on phones until later but actually both DC knew they needed to get good sleep to function the next day. Only my opinion but they have to learn to self-regulate and much better to do it in Y12 than in A-Level year.

Thank you, I too think we are quite generous. She now attends a specialist school with v small class sizes - any apparently EVERYONE has their phones at night 🙄 I just don’t think it’s a good idea (for us)

thank you. I just really resent how much of our children’s lives phones are consuming (she said whilst on her phone at nearly midnight…..)

Its tricky because my DS can game, watch YouTube etc - the when it’s sleep time, he just goes to sleep in an instant! My DD is so different to this and it really impacts her - so making this fair for both of them is tough.

No phone upstairs until 6th form - chargers are downstairs and downtime kicked in almost all apps at 10:30pm so even if they'd decided to take it upstairs it just let them look at their calendar, alarm clock, Google Keep & Kindle app - so not very exciting. (Learnt from my older goddaughter not to give more freedom - she had it from 15 & told us it was too much).

They do have Lenevo Smart Clocks - lets them stream music / radio and set different alarms for different days.

Different rules for different kids is fair because they are different people. However I agree that restricting phones as much as possible is sensible whilst they are young. We have no screens for an hour before bed (except TV) for everyone, even adults. No social media for kids and I would avoid WhatsApp if you can manage it for as long as possible. signal is safer because it doesn't have communities.

The phrase ‘but so and so’s Mum lets him’, just pings off me like i’m Teflon.