Teenagers extra curricular- how much do they do and how much are you willing to do?

[Gpshdicur2937]

My son is nearly 15. Him and his mates change hobbies all the time. Biking , fishing, the gym, football, rugby , you name it hes done it and cost us a fortune and hours of running him around in the process.the worst one was the football as its such a commitment from parents time wise and he never took it seriously enough and quit.
Now hes just come and asked me if he can start again. I've said no and hes gone crazy at me saying I do nothing for him and do the bare minimum. Ive already done years of football, standing on the sidelines in the pouring rain. Never being able to have a lie in on the weekend. Quite frankly ive had enough of it.
I work Mon to Fri, im disabled and get fatigued very easily, I already work, do school runs, shopping, dog walking and everything else that comes with being a mum. I also have other children aswell. His dad wont take him. (Another story that i dont want to get in to)
I feel so sorry tired and worn down and he makes me feel so guilty . His mates parents do seem to do alot more than me but I dont have it in me . Im exhausted. In addition to this he behaves badly at school and quite frankly doesnt deserve it.
My question is should I be putting his needs and wants above all else and always say yes to him? Lol
I dont know about football but when I was a kid in the 80s /90s I dont remember parents doing anything for their kids at all. I went to brownies for a short while. Other than that we were out playing . Now your made to feel guilty if your not sending them to paid hobbies 7 days of the week. When do I fit in my life and needs and wants aswell? I

Would he even gets into a team if he has stopped and now wants to start again?
My boys both do quite a time consuming sport but it's only in the summer and I quite enjoy watching.
I was very relieved when the youngest gave up football. I hated it. Can your 15yr old not get himself to training and matches?

My 15 year old takes himself to his hobbies now.

Unless you moved somewhere very rural and without public transport, in which case I do think you pretty much signed up to be a kid-taxi, teens should be organising themselves.

We live semi rural. We are not on a bus route. He would go back on the team he left.
He right when he says his friends do alot.of hobbies that parents take them to, thats up to each individual parent and I understand he wants to aswell. But he feels as if he can take priority over the whole family all the time .
If it was something new id be more willing but they are a bottom division team, he isnt a skile player etc he just wants the social side. I know your kids come first which they do 99.9% of the time but he makes me feel like a terrible parent because im saying no. He is very angry with me right now and a big argument has happened . He has accused me of being lazy because I dont want to get up at 7am on a Sunday.

My kids do dancing,4 nights a week and a Saturday too. Plus competitions in the half term holidays. Yes it’s a commitment, and no I don’t have to stay whilst they dance but I do have to take them and pick them up again as they can’t get public transport even when they are old enough to.

But I think having hobbies is important for them, their mental health and their future because it encourages discipline and exercise. It’s not just about being skilled or good at it. Hobbies are things you do because you enjoy them, they don’t have to be the best,

I wouldn’t say no, but he’d have to sort everything out apart from transport there/back. And if he has a friend who can lift share sometimes then he can sort that out.

I don’t understand why letting him play football again means he is taking priority over the rest of the family.

I really prioritise hobbies as it keeps them off their phones and socialising and staying fit.

I do get the impact of being disabled though. Can you pay for a taxi for him or sort a lift share so you don't have to get up so early?

My daughter dances or plays football every single day- but we have a lift rota with other parents who j makes a huge difference

I have two kids (13 and 9) and they have activities most days of the week. They ask for more regularly but we are at our limit now - logistically and financially. I do prefer to keep them busy though as they are off screens and staying out of trouble.

It seems fair enough that if he wants to do it he can figure it out. Can you carpool? Get him to the bus stop and he’s on his own from there? We are lucky and live in a city so my daughter can get the bus or walk to some things.

Sorry I dont think I explained myself. He is already out of the house almost all the time doing all of the other hobbies already. I spend almost all of my spare time taking him to and from places and also taking his friends.
I also pick him up late at night from friends houses etc. He has a huge social life and lots of friends . He is busy all of the time. Ao I dont think adding the football back in is necessary . He thinks we can just drop everything at a moments notice for a lift etc he will arrange things first without checking with us. There is no consideration to what we might be doing or the other children

I think living semi rurally is the issue here tbh

With multiple children there is inevitably going to be a lot of running around for you if you don’t live somewhere with transport. Even if he didn’t want to do football, he’d still want to meet his mates in town etc. I think part of choosing to live semi rurally with kids is accepting you will do a lot of driving.

Is it an option for you to move to a town where he can get himself places? the school run might be simpler too, also more of a support community for you to share lifts. And also possibly safer if your health is uncertain (sorry I don’t know whether this is relevant with your health condition)

I think football would be great for him socially and fitness wise, if you can you should. Sorry.

All of his friends live here where we do, he is with them all the time.

Ok cross posted

Yes doesn’t sound like he needs it so much then.

Would biking himself there be an option? Not if the roads are dangerous though.

i would still consider a move to town in your shoes

Mine do a lot and I’m happy to support all. I want mine to have every opportunity.

but I say that from a place where we can afford it and both DH and I are happy to chauffeur.

Sounds like if his father was able / wanted to help there would be no issue?
Perhaps you could say he can do football but needs to give up something else to make time for it?

I would be saying he can do it, as soon as you see a marked difference in his behaviour in school. Also showing consideration to his siblings.

I have never said no to a hobby, and won’t in the future, but I think at 15 he should be made to earn an additional hobby like that.

Either that or get him to ask to be taken by a friend/teammates parent if possible.

Compromise and say he can do it if he sorts out a lift share? Or if it’s the expense he can do it if he drops something else?
My DS does a hobby that is 45mins drive away and we had the same initial lack of thought on his part that it’s 3 hours out of our day if we have to do both ways. We want him to do the hobby since he loves it, good for self esteem, great ‘carrot’ as he only gets to go at the weekend if homework is done. So now he can go if he sorts out a lift share pattern - we’ll happily do the round trip with a carload of youngsters once every few weeks.

The the obvious solution is for you and their parents to share lifts, so you're not forever driving him about?

I'm happy to support it, providing we can afford it and manage the timing around work. I'm pleased they're active and spending time positively.

But I do get where you are coming from, it is exhausting and all consuming. But it's also for such a short time.

I take my ds15 to golf or gym pretty much everyday, my other ds11 does basketball twice a week and matches at weekend. We lift share with other parents as much as possible to spread the load, is that an option for you?

Ds15 is out tonight but he got the train and will get the train back, I'll probably offer to collect him at the station but he will happily walk.

Yes I do the 'carrot' too, only gets a lift once the dishwasher is empty!

Nearly 13 yo does waterpolo Wednesday eve, Friday eve till 10pm, matches some Saturdays and training again Sunday eve. She also does netball training on Thursday and matches on Saturdays and Sundays. Cello and drama lessons too.
other child does horseriding, swimming and football Saturday morning. Me and dh have no life whatsoever, just driving them round all over the place. The worst is waterpolo Friday nights- out of the house from 8-10.30.

DS was pretty much an arse at school and loved extra curricular so he did loads. Karate, kick boxing, am dram, boys brigade, gym work, st John's ambulance, keyboard, private d of e.... probably loads more. It was his only source of positive adult relationships. A load of the younger teachers were in the am dram too, so they all had to get on there.
It was a lot of work for us, literally every day, but it absolutely did set him up to succeed. I don't think I'd have done it for a kid who didn't devive so much benefit though.

If it was something new id be more willing but they are a bottom division team, he isnt a skile player etc he just wants the social side.

I think that is a terrible attitude that you have

So much of what is wrong with some people's attitude to sports.
EVERYONE should be able to access their chosen sport at whatever level they are at. It is no more 'valuable' to a child (or adult come to that) to be part of a higher division team than a lower one. The fact that your teen sees that and enjoys his football with his mates is SO good for his mental health and wellbeing and shows a lot more maturity than his parent is showing.

A few issues in this... Finances, fairness between siblings, parental time input, your disability, his flaky attitude to his hobbies (if he doesn't value commitment to them, why does he expect you to? / not appreciating the upfront financial cost in equipment or uniform etc) Your attitude of a hobby is only worthwhile if you are good at it (but understandable given my previous point - do you really think this or are you just cross right now?)

How many extracurriculars does he have a week? What do they cost?
How many extracurricular do your other children do? What do they cost?
How much is your total disposable income for all fun activities for all the children and the adults in the family? How much are you saving?

Is he unable to organise a lift from a friend to and from football? Is he willing to take chores (dog walking, housework) from you which would make you more willing to taxi him? Can you give him the burden of sorting out the logistics. Set your limits of what's possible and see if he want it enough to find a way to make it work

We spend, in my opinion, an enormous amount on DCs extracurriculars - about 12 to 15% of our household income goes on 4 different weekly activities. These are things that she's stuck with for years. She thinks they're very important and so do I for all the obvious reasons. She makes her own way to 2 of them. We lift share for 1 of them and I taxi her to the last, which takes 2 hours out of my week. Because we spend so much on these, we don't have spare cash to eat out or go on days out. Neither DH or I have hobbies that cost money. We are able to save though.

You've got to make sensible financial choices that work for your whole family, now and for the future. Teenage strops and maternal guilt need to be absent in that process. Is this the first time you've said no to him? Is he a bit too entitled and self centred? If so, say no more!