Hi all.
I was with my DC's dad for many years, until his anger broke the relationship down and he decided to end things and move out. At first, my DC hated being around him, citing his anger scared them and they just wanted to be at home with me. They were 9 and 6 at the time. He moved to a new house, where they have own rooms about 2 years ago, and gradually, my eldest has started to really bond with him. There are two problems with our current dynamics. Firstly, DD15 keeps having rows with him, which escalate. Nothing violent to each other, but he is aggressive when it happens. A lot of screaming in faces and him banging on the locked bedroom door. She has started hitting herself during these fights. I'm not there, she tells me what happens, but she is immensely defensive of him. Won't let anyone say a bad thing about him, tells me most of the time how she loves it there. My partner of 5 years has been staying at mine for a few months, while he finds a place of his own. My DD15 hates that he's around so much and is actively trying to spend more time at her dad's, stating she is happier there. My partner, not wanting to come between any of us, is speeding up his search for a new home, as he's worried she'll go live at her dad's in protest.
My DD15 and I had an amazing relationship until 2 years ago and I'm worried that something bad will happen between her and her dad. She told me she thought he was going to murder her during their last argument amd she was terrified. Yet she still wants to spend more time with him? She's begged me not to say anything about his anger to anyone and that if I did anything, she'll find it hard to forgive me. I have mentioned to him in the past that he needs to control his anger.
Every time I say anything bad about him to DD15, she tells me I'm wrong about him. She seems to hate me and my partner, despite us all getting along for years.