Daughter never wants to be at home

[warmpinkshawl]

I know teenagers are programmed to be with their friends, and I do all I can to facilitate that.

But I’m getting really down by the fact DD14 never ever invites her friends to ours house. She was out until after 9pm last night at a friend’s and now off out again all day today. They’re not going gadding around town or anything more exciting than being at home. Just not our home.

I feel like I never ever see her.

I’ve asked her to please invite her friends to ours and she says she doesn’t want to.

I’ve asked her why, and I get a shrug.

I’ve pointedly asked what they do at others houses that they can’t do at ours. The answer is nothing.

In my low moments I’ve asked if our house is embarrassing to her or if we are embarrassing; I just get a shrug.

Today I really feel like crying about it. We actually have a decent sized house with lots of privacy for them. Objectively, I know it’s not the house so I think it must be us - or possibly just me. Either she just wants to get away or she finds us embarrassing.

teens are weird. it’s just how they are. i doubt it’s anything personal. could be that one of her pals has a dog cat or hamster. or older cute brother. or mum who has baking and hot chocolate on the go. or lives next door to a chippy and thwy share a bag. who knows.

Please just let her be! You will push her away with the angst. Ask yourself why this matters so much to you because it’s more about you than it is about her.

You've actually raised a good independent and sociable child there by the sounds of things!

What is your gut feeling about why she doesn't invite people to hers?

Has she got the idea that you want her to be at home more and therefore she's resisting that? Teenagers can be incredibly oppositional.

I never wanted to invite my friends home either. Try hard mums just aren’t cool at that age! Try not to take it personally - this too shall pass

I was like this - always out. Nothing wrong with my house or family I just liked going out. Even as an adult I love visiting other people at thier homes but dislike hosting at mine.

I’ve got a lovely relationship with my mum despite avoiding her as a teen so try not to worry too much!

I was also like this!
I just preferred to be at someone else's house.
nothing against mine or my parents.

I was pretty moody and wouldn't talk much to my parents as teenager, I have a lovely strong relationship with them now

Have you got other DCs?

One of DDs friends spent a lot of time at our house when they were this age because she had two younger siblings who would come in her room all the time and her parents didn’t stop them.

Unless you have concerns over her whereabouts or her behaviour I think your best option is to let this go. I’m not saying don’t spend time with your Dd ever but you’ll push her away if you keep trying so hard. Realistically even if she had her friends at yours she’s unlikely to sit in lounge with you and her friends at the same time.

It’s understandable that you miss her but this is the age where the transition to independence begins. Do you have hobbies and interests of your own? Use the time to do something you love.

I was the same, always preferred to be out.

Don't take it personally, it's most likely there's that one house where they can do anything they want and have no 'interference'.

I have a niece who lives in such a home. It's small, tiny bedroom and garden but it was the place to be, loads of them in and outside. Why? Because her Mum is very young, never had boundaries and rules for DC, let them smoke and drink with her, provided unlimited sweets and snacks.

She sounds like a completely normal and happy teenager.

”Feeling like crying” because your teenager has a busy social life seems like a very extreme reaction.

OP, try to remember when you were a teenager...... your mother was probably excruciatingly embarrassing (even if you quite like her now!). If you are trying too hard to be the cool, chatty mum you'll just be making it worse. Give your daughter some space, please.

To a teenager, mum is always 'embarrassing' as is home . It's how they're programmed. Perhaps other people's mum's don't want to know everything and she can be whatever 'version ' of herself she wants to be? Perhaps she hasn't told friends the absolute truth about home etc (they're very good at describing their lives as they see it! ) My ds is now 24, at that age he was out and about all of the time with mates from a hobby, he certainly didn't want me tagging along as he probably thought I might say something about the many small porkies he chose to tell mates. He described me to one friend as controlling everything he did (not true) but we didn't have much money in comparison to his friends so he didn't like that. He's now a lovely guy, still doesn't come home much.

My 14 year old daughter is exactly the same she stays with friends most weekends and during the holidays multiple nights per week. Sometimes I tell her no she can stay home with her family for a change but I realised I’m just making her miserable keeping her at home when she would rather spend time with her friends. She asks for friends to sleepover here but it’s very rare I say yes as her room is a disgrace. That’s probably why she wants to stay with her friends as they have clean rooms 🙄

Is it possible that she is part of a group of friends that she doesn’t get to choose what they do? In which case, she doesn’t have the ‘power’ to say ‘come to mine?’
She might not be able to articulate that but it could be like that. Some friendship groups have clear leaders who make the decisions where others follow. Especially teenage girls. It can be a minefield.

Its funny what people assume on MN

I am definitely not trying to be a cool chatty mum - zero chance of that. In fact, I wondered if that was the problem! That maybe other mums are doing ‘fun’ things and I’m not.

I am very busy, so not hanging around to cling to her either. In fact, I have zero concept of boredom - I tell people that’s my superpower. My issue is nothing ‘pathetic’ like that.

But she was recently away for a whole week and someone asked me if I’d missed her. I realised there wasn’t much difference. When at home she has activities four times a week until 8pm or later (her passion) , and then weekends she’s off at friends or sleep overs. And if she’s not at friends she’s in her room on her phone.

I’m not making a thing of it with her, but today I found it deeply deeply upsetting.

I think one of the issues is that the two friends she has are disinclined to go out. One is quite odd and I think, even when DD is visiting her, will disappear to her room leaving DD with her sister. If she came to ours, she wouldn’t be able to escape when she wanted to.

The other friend is ‘needy’ DD’s words, and likes being near her mother. So to see them DD has to go to their’s. There’s a part of me that thinks DD is too malleable to their demands .

Anyway …

I have wondered this. DD is wonderful. Never falls out with anyone and gets on with everyone. But I think she’s a people pleaser and it worries me.

Have you told dd that you miss her? I would struggle with this as well and I think it’s okay to say to a 14yo that they need to spend a bit of time with their family!

Is there anything fun you could do together? A cinema trip? Take her shopping? Have a day out somewhere new?

When dd was 13yo we got a puppy and I’m forever grateful to the dog as if all else failed we had the dog as a shared interest! I’m not suggesting you get a puppy but if you can find a common interest or hobby that would help.

We have a 14 yr old and his girlfriend/a few of his friends virtually live here. I wish that this was because we were amazing but it's more because we insist he is at home at various points. Maybe this is what is happening with your daughters friends?

It seems very counter cultural looking at the other posts but, for example, today he was out in our nearby city for most of the day but was expected to be home at 5.30pm for tea together, games etc with his siblings. He turned up on time (as usual) with people in tow (as usual). He's fairly cheerful and amenable to this as long as we give him freedom at other points. Maybe try this? Certain nights are family nights (even if others are welcome to join)? We are just pretty firm and non anxious about the importance of spending time together.