Long time lurker but first time posting - have name changed for this.
I just wondered if anyone had any experience of this and any advice as we are struggling with our extremely defiant 14 year old DD.
She is defiant about everything. She only does what she wants to do and is quite manipulative to make sure she gets around any rules/requests and gets her own way.
She refuses to comply with the most basic of things, such as taking vitamins (her diet is terrible), won’t take her PE kit and other equipment to school (will borrow from friends but gets into trouble regularly for having things missing), regularly breaks school and home rules and is often in detention for these things at school.
We suspect she might have ADHD and we are part way through the process of private assessment. We were turned away from CAMHS last year for assessment due to the school’s response not being adequate.
There are a lot of other things going on, she’s also very impulsive, steals from me, argumentative, seems to enjoy annoying people, selfish, rude and disrespectful, has food issues, is often late for classes, struggles to wake up in the mornings, is horrible to her younger sister, and is generally quite chaotic. She struggles with focus and organising herself. She doesn’t seem to care about anything. We have repeatedly found vapes in the house, and recently her and a friend were caught shoplifting from the local shop. At the same time, she is really bright, creative, funny/witty, sociable (with her friendship group - no wider), and can be lovely when she wants to be.
Home life is often a battle ground because of all this. Me and her dad are mentally drained and miserable. We spend so much time dealing with all of her negative behaviour that it’s impossible to give the same level of attention to our younger child, not to mention our relationship which has taken a back seat for many years.
We use consequences at home which usually include removing access to her phone or being grounded as they are the only 2 things she cares about. We also use rewards and find this slightly better in terms of making a difference but not much.
We try to ensure consequences are proportionate and try to balance this with being supportive. Essentially we think life is going to be hard enough for her and want to be her safe place.
What else can we do to help?
I’m particularly interested in hearing what others have done in similar situations which has helped their child/family. Any advice on what we should or shouldn’t be doing?
Additionally, are there any services that can help us? I’m not sure where to start with this, but would a therapist or child psychologist be helpful for her? I just feel that we are not equipped to know how to deal with all of this and maybe we could benefit from some outside/expert help.