Adhd son wont engage in discussions about further education

[Gpshdicur2937]

When i was at school you could leave at 16 and get a job. Now you cant until your 18.
My son leaves school next year and currently has no idea of what to do , other than saying bricklayer but not willing to go to college for it.
He has adhd and is extremely unorganised and finds things very difficult . School and home do not overlap for him no matter what. Meaning he will not do homework or even talk about school with us .
He needs to do a weeks work experience in may. His school are very big on promoting their independence and encourage them to do everything themselves which is great for most kids. So they want them to research and reach out to companies and arrange their own work experience. He wont do any of that and wont even talk about it. Pretends its not happening.
So me and his dad have been contacting places. We have a couple of choices for him..tried to talk to him about it and he actually put his hands over his ears and shouted at us to get out. Just will not engage. We would be arranging it and taking him to and from every day.

We need to apply for apprenticeship/college etc in September do obviously the logical thing is to have a chat with him about it , look at colleges and courses etc. The same again he won't talk about it .
He does not want to do anything that involves study or exams which I understand. And he doesnt want to be in a classroom 5 days a week. So weve suggested trades. But he still needs to attend college.
Our closest college is the other end of the city, very heavy traffic and 2 busses each way, about a 2 hour journey each way. We already know he will not manage this. He will be late every day, miss the bus etc. It all sounds like a nightmare.
It would be much easier if he could just get a job for now, such as McDonald's or a supermarket but will they take 16 year olds? Until he matures a bit more and is able to be more independent. He is about 2 to 3 years behind where he should be at the moment.
Any advice as its very upsetting for us to see him refuse to engage in even the most simplist of conversations about things. Don't know how to approach it

Would someone at school talk to him about it?

Failing that could you lay things out very clearly in writing (like a slide show type thing) and leave it with him so there’s pressure to have a discussion?

He can get a job if he can find someone to take him on, wont be great income and might not be full time.

No one is going to be banging on the door about him not being in school or college. He will be in work thats ok. It will affect your CB though.

He can go straight into the building trade at 16. He can start by applying for labourers jobs and work his way to to bricklayer.

Who would take an unqualified kid on those? He wont put any effort into his exams so wont get many gcses if any . Isnt it compulsory to resit maths and English?
Part of his problem tho is he wont do anything himself , so he wont even look for a job when it actually came to it.

There are currently 155 bricklayer level 2 providers on gov.uk apprenticeships.

Help him apply ... usually done online.

Local colleges can often help young people with this as well.

Is he medicated? If not, he maybe really struggling to not feel overwhelmed with it all.

Do you know anyone who will take him on as a boy? Carpenter? Floor layer? Plumber? Etc.

In the real world, people without qualifications get jobs, shops, clearing up, factories etc etc

He might well go back to get qualifications of some sort much later in his teens or even later in life

If you're pushing something that he cant connect with, he's not going to respond I would have thought

What would happen if you said, ok, no college, dont worry, no school, dont worry, you can leave, lets talk about work

Would it be the same response (in which case you do have a problem) or would it be a relief, a weight lifted from his shoulders?

As another person asked.. is he on medication? I would probably probably been posting an identical post about my ADHD DS (year 11) had he not started on medication.

Our voices are white noise aren’t they? As someone else asked, is there anyone else who could broach this with him when you aren’t around ?

not ideal and I know this isn’t what you want but my DD (now 18) had EBSA and didn’t do any education between 16 and 18. No one contacted us.

Can you speak to school and get them to work with him on this? Then it doesn’t overlap with home in the same way. My mum wasn’t bothered what I did after school and my school form tutor helped me sort all that stuff

Op my asd / adhd son left school at 16 with 3 GCSEs. Started college but was dropped after a month of sporadic attendance. He's doing a course at the moment with King's Trust. Its mosts older people as it's aimed at 16-25 year olds but it's keeping him busy for a few months. He's going to resit maths and restart a different college in Sept. Tje most helpful thing g I was told about ADHD when he was finally diagnosed at 14 is to.i.agine they are 3 years younger. Your ds is operating around a 12 yo level so he's not ready. He may need a 'year out'. Its not easy to get a job, the big companies with impersonal portals are rubbish..try small cafes etc instead. No-one will come chasing you about education but you be careful about child benefit. So long as he doesn't claim UC as well it's probably OK but just bear that in mind. He'll get there, just maybe on a different timescale.

Does he have an EHCP?

The world is hard for our Nd kids

Is there a local Send advisory service or even the senco at the local college who might have experience speaking with kids in these situations?

Talk to school re. alternative education options. I'd recommend these courses and I worked with young people that were not unlike your son, but thrived on some of these https://www.kingstrust.org.uk/how-we-can-help

my dd has adhd left school at 16 despite having 9 9’s at gcse due to similiar reasons as your son. She has work and has always worked, 20 years old now. However, it’s low paid and therefore her life is just work so she earns enough money to pay the bills. Unless something changes this will be her future which makes me sad as she is so bright
Therefore if you can find an apprenticeship where progression is possible this is the way forward. Other pp are correct no one will be knocking on your door insisting they are at college but on a practical level you do have to let Child Benefit know if they just get a job and do not do an apprenticeship

They need to be in education until 18, and doesn’t sound like MCDS would suit as they get abused by management and staff they need to work extremely quickly.

I was similar at that age and didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do. I didn’t secure a college place until the week after I got my GCSE results. Having ADHD makes it hard to look that far ahead and being young also makes it near impossible to chose a carer path (for a lot of children). I would just back off and let him discus it with someone at school. Many colleges will take students last minute (after exam results are in). I think so much pressures put in kids to try and decide what carer they want, I am sure many of us didn’t remain in the carer we chose to pursue at 15/16 years old?

Maybe an apprenticeship would work better for him, he would only have to go to college once a week and most of the qualification would be assessed on what he does at work (bricklaying if that’s what he chooses), getting a small wage would maybe encourage him to turn up on time each day?

I’ve got a much younger child with adhd, so we aren’t at this stage yet.

I would probably do the application for a couple of things which look like they would suit him and if he really won’t discuss narrow it down to one or two. I think that the behaviour is telling you that he can’t do this independently.

Once he has finished his GCSEs he has a choice of the option that you have chosen or he sorts his own with help available.

I think that the biggest risk is that they don’t do anything and slip into a cycle of weed, gaming, drinking, sleeping etc. So I would be clear that that option is off the table.

Why can’t he repeat Yr11? If he’s 2-3yrs behind his peers in maturity and ability why pretend he is ready for college?

^ This. The only reason the government wanted people to stay in education or training up to 18 was to massage the unemployment figures. I really feel for your son - loads of kids don't suit school/college but feel like they have no choice.

So I say, take the pressure off him. I hope you are able to find him a week's work experience, and believe me, although the schools say the child should be organising it, very few are! It's pretty much always the parents (I certainly sorted out my child's)!

He will come to things in his own time.

My son has ADHD and although he actually got fairly decent GCSEs in the end (last minute revision which I organised/structured for him and paid him hourly to do!), he couldn't think ahead or decide/organise anything for himself at that age. He had a long journey on two buses to school and was almost always late, he never did homework etc.

He did actually go to a (different) local sixth form and do A Levels but the experience was pretty awful - loads of lateness and absence, no work done, total lack of organisation etc, until he gained some motivation in March of year 13. What was a lifesaver for him really was his job at Tesco. He knew he had to be on time or there would be consequences and that was good training for him (he was still 2-5 mins late every day, with lots of stress, but managed to stay under the disciplinary threshold!). He also learned how to interact with adults, what's expected in a workplace, what happens when you do stuff wrong/the threat of being sacked. And when he had good feedback it was a boost to his confidence. Plus on the days when he didn't get up for school, work gave his life structure.

I think in hindsight he could have done the exams later/online/distance learning with a lot less stress. The job was much more important for his development, so I'd focus on getting your son work as soon as he's 16.

He is possibly a bit scared by the transition and feeling a bit of a failure as I doubt his current educational experience is great for him.

Its very difficult he doesnt want to talk about it or do anything proactive. Is there anyine who can help at school like the senco? Its so many things all in one go isnt it. New journeys, buildings, courses - can you think of teeny steps and look at ine decision at a time.

If he doesnt have an ehcp could you start the process with a view to a supported internships?

Our teenage ADHD dc needs medication, an executive functioning coach and sometimes a therapist to manage their life successfully. Even with this it isn’t always easy.
It can be easier for adults who aren’t parents to get heard sometimes and I don’t think any of it would work without medication.

@Gpshdicur2937 I could have written the exact same post! My 16 year old with ADHD and other additional needs vaguely wants to do bricklaying but has no passion for it and won't talk to us about much.

Ive found a course at our local College who do a 12 month course trying out all the trades- plastering, bricklaying, plumbing etc etc. The Local Authority have put in an application (he has an EHCP) so waiting to see what he is offered.

He also said he fancied the Army but seems to have gone off that idea and not sure they would accept him with his ADHD.