DS18 dumped and in love

[Justinemum]

This is quite a tame problem I know, but DS is just 18, at uni, head over heels with a girl who has dumped him because he’s useless, and obviously has had someone else lined up.
he’s devastated and it’s half term so he’ll be here. How do I boost him up a bit? I wondered about taking him away but he was supposed to be going away for valentines weekend with the girlfriend. Not sure I’m a great replacement ! He has had a rough few years with sibling who estranged themselves from the family so I am concerned he will feel this more keenly than normal. I’ve also lost confidence with my parenting, obviously. Any advice on how to dig him out of his heartbreak is very welcome, thank you!

Would practical jobs help? My DS is a little older than you and is frustrated in his 1st FT job. So I don't let him wallow!

A tough one and you obviously care a great deal. I think I wouldn’t try to jolly him out of it, but I wouldn’t encourage moping around either if that makes sense. I wouldn’t suggest a weekend away over valentines as you will be surrounded by couples! I would keep it more low key- his favourite takeaway and a film. Walks (do you have a dog? Pets can be a good outlet at times like this). Just generally being there without being in his face.

Why did the girlfriend think he was useless? Is there any truth in what she’s saying? Why has this caused
you to lose confidence in your parenting? That’s an odd thing to say. All you need to do is be there for him. Talk to him. Listen to him. Let him know that it happens to everyone. Help him learn from the relationship and give advice if he asks for it.

Why do you say he’s useless? She dumped him because he’s useless?

I'd be having a gentle chat about the 'useless' comment and NOT assuming she had someone else. He can learn from this.

Why obviously has someone else lined up? Has she said this?

In the nicest way op, your son is now 18 and a man - try reading this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5488828-to-hate-most-men from yesterday to see how a large portion of MN feel about him, while they may say supportive things to you, just try reading that as if you were your 18 year old son - a large portion of people here likely dont want him to feel better

She said he's useless? Or you?!

Poor lad. The first time is always the hardest time. Show him that Sarah Pascoe clip about what she’s say to her 14 year old self - she talks about heartbreak.

If that’s what you take from this thread you’ve really missed what’s going on.

Here is a young lad dumped for being useless. This is his chance to realise very early in his life what it takes to be a decent partner and reflect on what she found to be pretty useless about him.

Young women used to stay in relationships long after they should have left them because being a girlfriend carried currency. Now they don’t give a shit. Good for them.

This young lad’s pain is a real chance for growth for him at asupeor early age.

OP, encourage him to take it!

I assume the confidence loss is because her other child has chosen to go NC with the family

Poor lad. He’ll probably just welcome the chance to be far away from the situation. I would think about setting up one or two nice things to do - say a day/night out to do a hobby or go to a nice cinema, and ideally to see friends or family. Other than that he may just want to rest, watch comforting box sets and wallow. I think wallowing is allowed at 18.

But just remember it might also be necessary to question his assumptions about why this break up happened, and his likelihood of future happiness etc. And I’m sure you won’t but don’t make this about his sibling/your parenting - this is totally unrelated.

The first time is the worst, I still remember the absolute disbelief when it happened to me. But seeing friends, crying it out, bit of being left alone, lots of hugs - I eventually felt better. He will too.

Time is the only healer here. Is it him using the term useless here? Longer term is there anything he could learn from this?

Ask him about it, gently, at some point when you’re out either walking or druving. Teenage boys cnotoriously prefer side to side, rather than facing, chats, if he does want to talk about it

Thank you ! You are all stars and I’m grateful for all the advice.
he was doubly devastated because she’d kept saying they’d be together for a long time, then dumped him because he was ‘useless’ and a week later she’s seeing a chap that was always hanging around and that she had told DS was a pain. Humpf.
its great because he was trying to fit ‘useless’ into his identity. And now he’s realised it wasn’t his fault and is getting over it.
thanks so much, you are quite right breadstick wallowing required!
its all panned out fine as it was always going to. Think I just got anxious, because of stuff.
many thanks for being so lovely all of you