Trying to figure out the healthiest way to handle this. I have sole custody, but for years made it a point to send my oldest over to his grandmothers house for the weekend so that he could visit with his dad as he was available/ cultivate a relationship with that side of his family. His dad has historically been a bit of a mess and his home isn’t child friendly, but he would drop in and visit there. I’ve always had some concerns over his diet (mostly fast food), sleeping, and screen habits there, but figured he was safe and maybe it was nice for him to be spoiled a bit. Was trying to lighten up about it as he turned into a teenager and continue talking about making healthy choices on his own. This situated escalated during the final months when his grandmother insisted on renting an empty apartment in order to send him to the school he wanted to attend, despite knowing I was actively searching for one. She began making comments about his hygiene (which was fine) and his lack of food in my home. This child has never been without access to food or resources. She began dropping off bags of junk for him, timed for when I was out of the house. Nothing but soda, chips, and candy. He began skipping meals or putting them up mostly untouched.
I had a mental health crisis and sent him over for several weeks so that I could sort myself out in the hospital/ adjust to a medication I had a rather adverse reaction to. Rather ashamed to admit, but I briefly lost touch with reality and even with him gone I think I spooked him a bit. When I tried to get him to come home he informed me that he is much happier over there and as he is almost grown I should respect his decision to stay. He informed me that he no longer considers his siblings to be siblings and that this is for the best.
I’ve been trying to respect that boundary while also attempting to talk him into coming back for a day or two per week, or at least on occasion. His father and grandmother tell me they will try to talk to him about it, but I suspect they are encouraging this. His grandmother is spoiling him rotten- we’ve discussed his eating and soda habits/ dental hygiene. She gives him loads of money to spend as he pleases. She left for Vegas for a week and left him there alone, and no one informed me until she was back. Currently getting texts back every day and seeing him for a few hours every week, and during that time it has become quite clear that his teeth are not being cared for. He has developed a rather large cavity on a front tooth.
Would also like to note that he is currently exploring gender identity, which has been discussed some by him but he mostly doesn’t like to talk about it. He presents as female to friends and peers but doesn’t wish to change pronouns at home. I’ve expressed support and provided clothing that is comfortable, and after requesting what he should be called have settled on kiddo and I just make it a point to avoid pronouns when addressing him. Father has said some very ugly things to me about it and grandmother has expressed concerns repeatedly. I’m concerned that they’re going to keep sweetening the pot until there’s no relationship left/ they have custody and then put him in a situation where he’s uncomfortable staying with them or me. Trying to talk him into getting therapy currently. I know there’s no easy answer to fix this, but I would appreciate any input.