How to handle 17 year old who is in an emotional abusive relationship

[Randomsummer]

Cut along story short 17 year old dd (18 next week) met her current boyfriend through instagram 7 months ago. He lives 45 minutes away and is also 17 and lives in a care home. Dd has ADHD/Autism so isn’t like a typical 17 year old.

When we first met him he seemed okay, quiet but friendly enough. We invited him into our home and made him feel welcome then 3 months into the relationship alarm bells started ringing that something wasn’t quite right. My daughter wasn’t speaking to her friends, wasn’t attending college and started becoming withdrawn etc.

Then when visiting her grandmother I noticed she was constantly messaging him and was quiet. We had planned on walking into town and as we were leaving she said “I’m going home” and started crying she said she wanted to be on her own. A friend of mine saw her in distress and found her so dropped her off to me. It came to light that he wasn’t being nice and showed me the message he had sent her. They were vile, accusing her telling her she needed to get home now or he would do something stupid, he hated her. I told her that it was not okay to speak to someone like that and she should think about whether this is what she wants in a relationship.

She never ended the relationship and for the past 4 months it has been hell. The abuse has got worse, him accusing her of being with other people, him screaming at her down the phone. She isn’t allowed to sleep unless he says she can. He tracks her location and then shouts at her for being out. They haven’t seen each other since November as I was at work came home and he had punched holes in my wall and that was the last time she physically saw him in person as I said she isn’t safe to be around him, I was hoping by them not seeing each other they would go their separate ways.

I have tried going to the police with all the evidence I have but they have said unless it comes from her they can’t do anything. His care home seems to take his side and say she is good for him and they will try and talk to him.

Since November our family home has been horrible, we either hear him shouting at her, her crying or her shouting at us for not letting her see him. It is affecting my 16 & 11 year old because they are awake until gone 2am
listening to everything that is going on. Everyone is just mentally exhausted by this.

It’s like a circle that just keeps going on and on where he is vile to her then he is all nice and she forgives him instantly. The past 2 nights I have been awake until 4am trying to keep peace in the house whilst it kicks off. He is swearing and shouting at her telling her the most horrible things then 20 minutes later he is crying saying he is sorry and he loves her and all is forgotten for a while then he starts again.

I’ve tried removing phones (that ended up with her having a meltdown and screaming at me) turning off WiFi, banning video calls in the house. I am at my wits end. I love my daughter and I am trying to protect her but I am on the verge of telling her to just go and learn the hard way. She says she loves him and he makes her happy but I honestly don’t recognise my daughter anymore it’s like her soul has been sucked from her.

I don’t know how to handle this, I am trying to protect 3 children from this one person who has turned our lives upside down. Thank you if you got this far I just need advice.

If he is in a care home is there noone there who could intervene?

Go back to the police. If you speak to a different officer you might get a different result.
If DDs father is in the picture, he should respond to the next message telling him not to contact DD again, maybe pay him a visit. Then get rid of the phone/block him. Presumably it's you or dad paying for the phone, so it's yours, not hers and you can do with it what you will.
How is he tracking her? Is it through an App that she has downloaded and has consented to? You can get rid of the App.
You might have to put up with her screaming about it, but hold fast. You can have a no phones in bedrooms rule, or no phones after 10pm or whatever you want. I wonder if there is some sort of virtual lock you can put on the phone that won't allow use after a certain time?
If she's paying for the phone herself and she's almost 18 , you have less control. But you do have the right not to pay for her phone, and to protect your younger children from sleep deprivation.
On the plus side, you say she hasn't actually seen him since `November ; if she really wanted to she could have made that happen, so interesting that she hasn't done. Deep down, she knows she would be putting herself in danger.

Op has said the care home staff don’t seem to get it… I would be taking dds phone and blocking his number on it for a start

or just take her phone off her completely

Go back to the police and say you want to raise this as an issue of coercive control with someone under 18. They should now be better at recognising why someone in this position would not come forward. That's a disappointing first response from them but I wouldn't give up.

Do you know any adult male who could have a "chat" with DD's boyfriend? And basically put the fear of God into him. He probably intimidates the staff at the home, who will do anything for a quiet life. As your daughter is vulnerable due to her ASD the police have no right to just blank you about it. Maybe keep trying with them?

@Randomsummer OP where is her Dad in all of this??

Regardless of her age there is no way would I allow anyone to speak to my daughter like that.

Message him & tell him the relationship is over & if he even tries to contact her again you will report him to the Police then Block him immediately.

Our children are still children, they have a lot of growing up to do and finding themselves in an emotionally abusive relationship requires us as the parents to step up and put an end to it. They are still learning to regulate their emotions and at this age they are having to make big decisions about their education and career. They certainly do not need to be in controlling relationships.

Pls support your daughter & make her see that what you are doing is to protect her & help her learn about healthy relationships

I was your daughter at this age and I nearly died at the hands of my ex-partner. I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is horrible and relentless and it will be incredibly hard to get her out from his control. My dd is your dd‘s age, is autistic and it definitely makes them more susceptible to control and men like this.

You do need to go back to the police. Speak to someone else. If you need to get a male from the family or a friend to phone him and read him the riot act then do. Do whatever it takes. Allow her to be angry and fight you. She will. But she will eventually understand. And be grateful for it. I am so sorry I don’t have more wise advice. I am just sending empathy.

Is she at school or college? Maybe speak to the safeguarding lead there if she is.

Also agree with going back to the Police and demanding to speak to a specialist officer, preferably a woman, who has experience with domestic violence issues.

Contact social services - they will not be able to speak to you about the details or circumstances of this boy but he will have a social worker and they should be aware of what is going on.

Good luck. This is a total nightmare.

Have you pointed out that as she hasn't seen him for 4 months it's not a relationship, but he still contacts her.
If she were to switch off her phone and hide it would he still be able to track her. I hope she sees how damaging it is soon.

Thank you for your replies

So after he vandalised our house the police just gave him a warning and he had to pay for the damages (well the care home payed for it) that evening she ran away and went missing for 5 hours we eventually found her but something happened that day (she says nothing happened) but she refused to go back in her room and slept on the living room floor for 2 weeks. I cleaned her room and made it cozy in the hope she would go back in but she trashed it. We were driving home and she asked me if I would buy her a new bed. I asked her if I bought her a new bed would she go back in and she said yes. I bought her a new bed and she went back in her room.

The day after he vandalised our house she had a meltdown and was going hysterical and I was worried for her safety so phoned an ambulance and the mental health teamed turned up and took her into hospital. CHAMS spoke to her and they said her responses were of a child much younger and they had concerns about the relationship so spoke to social services and his social worker. Social services were going to send someone round to talk to her about healthy relationships but they haven’t and when I try contacting them they just say they will be in touch.

My husband (her dad) as messaged him numerous times saying we will never allow him to see our daughter and to leave her alone. But he just goes straight to her and tells her we are trying to split them up.

All she keeps saying is when I am 18 you can’t stop me from seeing him (I have told her a white lie and said due to her capacity we have legal responsibility until she is 21)

I pay her contract, can I get this cut off? He tracks her through Snapchat and Find my phone. I am sure as well he has her passwords to her accounts.

Me and my husband are going to go back to the police and talk to them.

Watch the documentary 'Lover, Liar, Predator' on BBC iPlayer, preferably with your DD. https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2026/feb/02/lover-liar-predator-review-aaron-swan-bbc-two

Wow - this is hard
you need to get this sorted before she is 18. I would be going all guns and yes - back to police.

This 😬

I would send someone over to have a quite but stern word with him.

Can’t believe there isn’t more traffic on this thread, he sounds dangerous !!

Would she go away on holiday with you, just take her away somewhere

Then dump the phone and take it off her

Can she travel independently, so would she be able to get to him if you took her away for a few weeks and cut her phone off

you pay for the phone so well within your rights to end the contract or confiscate it regardless of how much screaming there is. Shes clearly younger than her age and this is a safeguarding issue. Personally however I’d make an agreement that she can only have her phone on condition she attends college each week (or something else … voluntary work, community project) and sees her closest friends each week. I’d use the phone as leverage to help her reengage with things she previously enjoyed.

I’d also look for a therapist who works with ND young people and pay privately for weekly or fortnight sessions. She needs help to reflect.

theres also the freedom project (I think it’s called that) for women in abusive relationships.

Also your DH and yourself role modeling normal loving relationships.

if she likes books, look for relationship self help books for NT young people. If there are one of two attractive looking books in her room, would she flick through them?

If he is a child in care, he will have a social worker. I would try and find out who they are and get in contact with them. It might be that you have to document all your concerns as you have done here to the care home and ask them to forward it or email it to a generic children’s services address to be forwarded on. I’m not sure if it will work wonders but you could do with someone intervening from his end.

Or you could refer your own daughter to Children’s Services as she is a victim of domestic abuse and make it clear it’s being perpetrated by a young person they are responsible for.

That bed thing is worrying. Have you asked her outright whether she’s been sexually assaulted?

I was 17 when I met my ex husband. It was very difficult for me when my daughter turned 17. I would do ANYTHING to stop a relationship like this if she were in one. Take her phone, move whatever tge he’ll you have to do. Of course she will object. But it’s your job to protect her.

tge home don’t care. They are biding their time till he turns 18 and they can kick him out.

I would not rest until I had stopped this. You and her dad need to put everything down and just focus on your daughter.

Go back to the police. Don’t leave until they take you seriously. This is domestic abuse and coercive control with a history of violence.
Go back to the care home.
Speak to his social worker. Speak to his social worker’s manager. Speak to the head of children’s services at the council. Email the council’s CEO.
Threaten them with legal action, the press, your MP, anything that will make them sit up and pay attention.
Contact him and tell him to no longer contact your daughter.
Speak to a solicitor to see if you can get a non-mol.
Take her phone and if possible, take her away from home. If she has an aunt on a remote Scottish island she could stay with that would be perfect!

You have been too, too passive for the last 4 months. Time to take action before your daughter gets hurt.

Talk to the safeguarding lead at the boys care placement and his social worker. Explain the relationship is seriously abusive and isolating your child from her community, friends and family. It’s a safeguarding issue. Ask for him to have regular relationships therapy/support to enable him to maintain more functional relationships with others.

I wonder if there’s any way you can put a block on her phone or confiscate it 8pm - 8am