DD hides everything away

[dogrilla]

Bit of an odd one. My 13-yr-old DD is very tidy - but it's got to the point that she won't actually use anything once it has its 'place'. For example, she got a Dyson for her birthday 4 months ago but had only used it 3 times max as it's in a box neatly in the cupboard. Instead, she uses my crappy hairdryer and freaks out if I suggest using hers. Same with her beauty and hygiene products. She buys (or is given) items that are then displayed but never used - this includes things like deodorant and shower gel, which I buy her but she clearly isn't using at all. She has shelves and shelves of products that are still sealed. The same is true of clothes - she asks for stuff for birthday/Christmas that's she's 'desperate for' but 1 year later it's still in the wardrobe with tags on and outgrown. Meanwhile, she wears the same thing everyday (mostly PJs at home). Not sure if she's saving stuff for 'best' or something else, but either way, she gets very angry and upset if I suggest using or wearing anything. She used to keep toys in packaging, hidden in the cupboard, so it's been an ongoing thing...

How do I broach this?!

That sounds slightly like she might have some form of OCD or something? I wouldn’t buy anymore clothes, toiletries, anything, until she starts using the ones she’s already got. Also, be blunt - no, this is my hairdryer, you have your own. If there’s clothes and products she doesn’t actually want then suggest sorting out a bag for charity.

Thanks @SilverPink- I was worried about the OCD thing as her brother has ADHD and is very difficult. She sadly bears the brunt of a lot of his behaviour (despite me constantly trying to shield her). I wonder if it's her way of controlling her surroundings ☹️. Feel like it's spiralling at the mo and not sure how to de-escalate without shattering her cocoon of unused possessions...

Sounds like OCD.

Have you actually asked her why she’s not using all these products etc? Can she actually give you a response or is she just not sure herself?

I completley agree with PP, ask her why she isn't using them, tell her to use her own hairdryer and stop buying her expensive stuff. It's stuff for her to consume, not use as an ornament.

Didn't you ask her why she wanted to borrow your hairdryer when you've just brought her a Dyson?

OCD often co exists with autism...are there any other signs?

She’s at risk of developing a hoarding disorder .
Please try and find her help. I suggest intensive stress management strategies which you can start on your own with her while you wait for GP/school to kick in.
Make stress management, mindfulness, meditation type activities a family priority.

I think your instinct about controlling her environment is spot on OP.

Is there anything you can do to help her feel less out of contol regarding her brother? Any physical or behavioural boundaries that could protect her? Even just regular check-ins about the impact on her.

I wouldn't get strict about it, if you can help it, as in my experience OCD is a coping strategy - the person needs an outlet - and if removed, can be linked to eating problems which would be much worse.

The way you phrase not wanting to "shatter her cocoon" is absolutely right I think.

I do ask why she doesn't use her stuff but she absolutely freaks and says she uses them all the time (even through its clear by packaging seals etc that she hasnt). It's not necessarily expensive items. No other signs of autism but she likes things just so. Our hands are so full with ADHD brother this has gone under the radar but now is getting tricky - e.g she actually NEEDS to wear deodorant not put it in her museum of bottles

So, a multi pronged approach.
Go to the GP.
Address the environment generally, getting her support and assessment given she may be neurodivergent or need support as the sibling of a child with additional needs and as a family prioritising emotional regulation and stress management. I actually had to tell mine it was ok to be angry and to misbehave and to say no occasionally. He’d been protecting us all from his own emotions knowing we were struggling with everything else that was going on in the household.

Actual strategies for the day to day, deodorant etc. Get one and open it before handing it over. As you give it to her, open it and comment on the smell. If she needs shampoo give her your bottle. Don’t buy her anything she already has. Keep products in the bathroom for everyone to use.

The things she’s already bought and arranged, I’d view as lost for the moment. At some point in the future you can do some work with her about when would be a good time to wear the new X, use the new Y etc. Recognise with her that she doesn’t want to open them and use them and explore why and when that may change. Don’t tell her it needs to. That’s for her to decide. Help her work out when she’ll be ready.

Liking things ‘just so’ can be an autistic trait, although I agree with the others posters that she may also just be controlling something within her control if there is a lot of unpredictability elsewhere.

My autistic 13 year old can find the unpredictability and loudness which comes with her 10 year old ADHD sibling challenging as what she needs is quiet and calm to feel regulated.

Control can be a funny beast - DD13 refuses to open a Tamagotchi she got for Christmas a few years ago as it would mean it would die at some point. So she controls that not happening by not using it even though she wanted one.

I can see how opening something may make that thing feel less special. The lying about it is also a common neurodivergent trait to protect self (DD10 defo has this).

For necessities giving them already opened is a great idea. If she’s already in a pattern now of not opening then that may be hard to break and a gentle approach is likely needed.

Thanks everyone - all really helpful. I might make her a little caddy of opened toiletries in the bathroom. So it's still ring-fenced as hers but not hidden in her room. She's very happy to use all my stuff BTW - no matter how special!