DD15 and first boyfriend - preparing for possible breakup

[ikeepforgetting]

So DD15 has had a boyfriend for a year, a long time at her age I know but they seemed very well suited and he is (was) a sweet kid. Both same age, both in GCSE year. Over the past few months he has been definitely pulling back, spending more time with new older friends, clearly making stuff up about what he can't see her, hood up, more monosyllabic.

The trouble is, when I try to encourage her to spend more time with her friends, hobbies, etc she has done the opposite and become more and more clingy and dependent on him. She cries a lot and barely if ever goes out with her own friends. I can absolutely see the car crash in the near distance, and I am really worried about how she will cope. Is there any way I can help her build a bit of resilience when she is so resistant to anything I say or do?

Obviously for me her GCSEs are the important thing, as well as some previous issues with her mental health which I can see looming again. All in all, it isn't a healthy situation and I know if I try to stick my oar in I will make it all worse! Any advice?

I wouldn't talk about it at all as its too obvious, but just build on the supportive relationship you have with her already so she has it there as a crash mat when needed. Talk about deep things, make plans for the future (ones that don't involve him!), have a regular takeaway night etc etc so her life doesn't feel quite so empty when he's gone. It will hurt like nothing else though, and its something she'll just have to ride out sadly. Must be horrible feeling it looming and worrying about her.

For the moment just try and guide from a distance. If you go out of your way to offer advice it will be rejected and you will be the evil witch. Take each day as it comes, make alternate suggestions if he’s not with her that day and do not bad mouth him as that will backfire on you. Such a tricky time.

is she year 10 or 11?

do you have any holidays planned for the summer. I. Always found including teens in the planning helped if something was going on elsewhere in their lives.

So hard to help a teen in this situation

Would she be at all receptive to general relationship chats?

Looking back at my own teens I wish so much I'd been given really basic advice and insights - ie. the more you cling to someone the further away they go - the benefit of putting yoruself first, having boundaries etc

it took me until I was about 30 to learn all that stuff!

Thanks everyone. It is GCSE year so she has mocks, ongoing assessments for creative subjects and the real thing looming so that has to be her priority. It is horrible to watch knowing what is coming to her, but I agree I just have to be safe stable, etc. Used to that because her dad left us two years ago after admitting a string of affairs. So she is understandably clingy with this boy. I am so worried about her falling to pieces completely as she has definitely been holding a lot back

Fully agree with this. I never had that advice either and could have done with it. Is there a friend of yours or an aunt who could talk about these things so it’s not coming from you?

What you really need is some amazing new guy to come on the scene and turn her head… but that might be just as disruptive during GCSEs

Ha I know what you mean @Theonlywayicanloveyou ! I sent her this last week and of course she got defensive so I had to explain it wasn't a commentary on her BF but was something I wish I was told as a teenager. (Photo might take a while to show up)