Teen being low key bullied

[ParkMaiden]

My son is in year 8 and is in a friendship group of about 6 kids. He is often the butt of their jokes, they tell him to ‘shut up’ and all laugh at him semi- regularly. There is one ringleader who has really expensive clothes and my son doesn’t because I refuse to spend £100 on a pair of sweatpants. He’s often left out of sleepovers or will be the last to get invited or only get invited if someone else drops out. I don’t want this for the rest of his life to accept the crumbs of a group who need a whipping boy. Any advice?

Aw noooo, horrible to read. I've no advise but caught my eye as my son has just started secondary and I'm so worried about friendship groups / mental health / being picked on.

In a side note I kit my son out in clothes from Vinted. He doesn't have a clue just buy stuff in mint condition. Just bought him a winter coat, North Face black puffer £18. Not a mark on it

Yeah thank you for posting. anyhow it’s just awful he could be friends with some other kids but it’s this group he wants to be in and he seems to just accept this shitty treatment. It’s not always so it’s like he takes what crumbs he can get. What can I do to build his confidence and show him he’s better than this.

Does he do any clubs at school or any extra curriculars? Can you encourage him to hang out with other kids? Are the boys all in his form or a mixed group? Would a change of form be possible?

Basically , he needs to expand his social circle and be exposed to other, healthy friendships.

I feel like a stuck record on this but encourage him to diversify his friendships through out of school activities. If teens only hang out with school friends it’s really easy to get defined by that and to carry those beliefs forward. Maybe something like cadets, climbing, team sports? What does he enjoy?

Having steered three boys through the teen years I’m going to offer a couple of suggestions.
1: Build his confidence at home, do things with him that make him feel good about himself. It might be little diy jobs, family activities or whatever.
2: yes, as pps said clubs or activities that expose him to new people but also teach him new skills or improve skills he already has.

This issue is all about self esteem, he needs that boosting as these “friends” are trying to diminish it.

Effing scouts is full. He does go to another out of school club and of course football but I despair because I find kids these days just don’t make friends easily, they just want to go home and self-soothe on their devices. So he hasn’t made any real friends in either of those groups. I feel like moving areas. But also he’s adamant he does not want to move schools. If an incident has faded into the recent past he’s quite happy being in this group, he can tell himself he’s a valued member.

Thank you this is good advice.

Do people think I should have an honest chat - ‘look I know sometimes you are on the receiving end of some pretty bad treatment and this isn’t what friendships should be?’ I don’t know.

Army or Sea Cadets (or similar) would be good for building skills and confidence. The kids have to work together so that's a help in forming friendships.

Have a look at the Childline website. There are ideas on there to try to boost self-esteem and also a really good section on healthy and unhealthy friendships. They might be a starting point for a discussion at some point about what your son believes and that might result in his making choices. Or at least opening the door to discussion when he is uncomfortable. In my experience he needs to make the discovery that this isn’t great, not you.

Definitely. Even if it doesn’t fully sink in / he doesn’t distance himself from them(yet) you’re laying the foundation for the future. Ask him if he’d ever treat his friends like that. Why not? If he’s familiar with your friendships and they’re healthy ones , ask him if your friends treat you like that, or you them. That kind of stuff. Make him think about it.

Absolutely this. My dd is a sea cadet - I enrolled her because her school is quite overbearingly privileged and I didn't want her living in a weird microcosm of wealth.
Her best friends are all from cadets and it has genuinely shaped her into a fantastic, confident young woman.
She also gives literally no fucks about all the bullshit at school.

Then he needs to learn what real friends are and that the popular group isn’t worth being spat at to be a part of. Something you can’t learn for him tbh. Tell him at least stand up for himself more. Of course you should chat to him - he needs an outside voice to say ‘this isn’t ok? That’s not normal friendship’.

Is there a local Army cadets? This was / is my son at school. He is a totally different child at cadets. It’s been the making of him. He goes away on camps, does various activities and has now joined the cadet band. Made a lot of new friends.

Some excellent advice here about trying to carve opportunities for new friendships. It will take time but hopefully he will find his people.

Don't underestimate how.important it feels to teenagers to fit in though, wearing the 'right' stuff. It shouldn't be that way but unfortunately it is, can you give him a budget to pick his own clothes or look for things on vinted.

My dd is similar, shes year 7. I've been honest with her and asked how she would feel if this was her brother being treated like this. Also shes got friends in her Scouts so encouraging that instead!

It’s child mental health week in schools so you could use that as a springboard? Lots about belonging and ‘my place’
Secondly (and this is in no way a defence) kids can be vile to even their closest friends. ‘Banter’ I hear things sometimes that make my toes curl. It’s important to teach him boundaries though and what is ok.
Are there any others in his group that are similarly ‘on the outside’ where he could develop those friendships. Leaving the big dog out of it.
Teens is hard work all round though. Hugs.