How can I help my DD (17)?

[JoyousPeachScroller]

My gorgeous DD has such terribly low self esteem. She has had it since she was 10 and I feel she has hit crisis point.

Today she got her mock A level results back and she got a grade lower than she expected in one. She is distraught as she felt she revised so hard for it. During conversation tonight the following came out.

*she feels like her memory has gone and feels burnt out.

*she refuses to speak to her tutor for help and guidance as that makes her look stupid.

*she feels fat and ugly. She says she feels her body is expanding and she can't stop eating. She refuses to go to the gym as she feels everyone is staring at her.

*she just wants to sleep all the time.

*she feels none of her friends like her.

*she feels over emotional all the time.

*she constantly blocks every time we try and suggest anything (eg going to the dr, seeing a counsellor.)

*she says she is a pathological liar.

She has always been a bit quirky, she focuses on certain subjects until she knows everything about it. She has always had a bad sleep pattern. She struggles in social situations (although that has got better as she has got older). She fixated on certain foods (eg will only eat certain pasta sauce, types of sausage, limited meals).

She has these bouts of self doubt and anger every month at the moment and I actually don't know what I can do to help.

Where do I go from here? Dr, counsellor?

I just want her to be happy 😭

I have a very similar dd18. If she won’t access any help then all you can do from that point of view is keep telling her where to get help, you can’t make her go. DD accessed some counselling a couple of years ago and found it helpful but only when she felt she was ready for it. As for the disappointment with the exams, again, she just needed space to express her disappointment/frustration and time to sit with it awhile and process the feeling. Mine has adhd and feels all the emotions all of the time.

Your dd sounds like she’s exhausted. I’d encourage some time outdoors this weekend and lots of sleep as a first step. Then when she’s feeling less emotional encourage her again to speak to the GP.

She could be neurodiverse and the effort of managing it is causing depression. It comes with a mental load ( either autism or adhd) that means it’s all distracting her from being able to study

Have you investigated autism? My 18 yr old DD has quite a lot of cross-over with your description of your daughter, and she was diagnosed a couple of years ago. My main advice would be to stop looking at counselling - talking therapy often doesn’t work for/help autistic girls. Honestly, if you can afford it get her assessed asap privately. My daughter has benefited hugely from diagnosis, although life is really hard for her. Knowing herself, and accepting herself, is huge. She was nearly destroyed by school, and we didn’t realise it was happening 😢I’m sorry I don’t have any other advice, it just really sounds like she’s reached the point where masking is breaking down. Sending best wishes and I hope you get some answers one way or another. It’s awful seeing them struggle like that.

It might also be worth taking DD to the doctors and request blood tests. She may well be low in vitamins B12, D, iron and folate some of which can cause extreme fatigue, brain fog/memory problems and mood changes.

It depends on what the talking therapy is as to whether it helps or not. Lots of autistic people find counselling helps if they find the right counsellor. CBT isn’t always helpful but not all counselling is CBT.

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I have spent all night worrying about how I can help her to help herself.

I have always thought she cpuld be neurodiverse and I think that now is the time to explore this with her GP.

I do agree she is in burnout so for this weekend agree that sleep and some time outside is a good place to start.

Does anyone have ant advice about how to approach this with the GP I know she will be very unhappy at having to talk about how she is feeling with a GP and she will try and block me from making an appt. She is nearly 18 so I don't know how much I can advocate for her with the GP. All advice welcomed. And thank you ❤️

I went to my GP and said explained that my sons school had said they suspected he had ADHD and once I looked up the symptons I realised that it resonates with myself too. He asked me sveral questions, i passed the criteria he had on his screen and he reffered me on. This was back in 2022, I only had to wait a year to be assessed.

I only realised I was autistic once I started the adhd meds and they brought a lot of masked autism traits to the front.

The waiting times for adhd/autism diagnosis are getting longer and longer now though. Whilst waiting it would really help you and your DD if you both started learning about ND,

As soon as I learnt ways to start supporting myself and my needs my MH/self love/ confidence got so much better..... there is not a lot of support offered once you've been diagnosed, I've learnt more ways to help me and my DD11 through my own research and learning ( she was diagnosed 3 months after me )

I also feel like it was easier for me than some people I know to get a diagnosis as I had a lot of combordites of Autism and Adhd on My health record ( such as depression, fatigue, eating disorder )

Edited to add

The biggest benefit for me personally was being able to understand myself. Understand why I thought and felt the way I did. I'm so much kinder to myself these days, I actually used to be my biggest bully, I couldn't understand why I found life so hard yet everyone around me seemed so at ease. I honestly thought we were all struggling and just pretending to be okay.

My daughter too, now she knows who she is, knows how her brain works, she is a much happier child

As well as neurodiversity have you considered depression?