Teen DD at a crossroads. Any advice please?

[beasmithwentworth]

Hi. Any words of wisdom please?
DD (now 18) had a really hard time with school. Missed pretty much 2 years of school in the last 4 years before GCSEs. She had anxiety, depression and was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. She managed to get 5 GCSEs so that was a relief. Started A levels but it was too much so just did a few odd jobs here and there.
She was really keen to work behind a bar and has been a different person since starting that 6 months ago. It’s been the making of her, she has a great work ethic, met some really nice people, and she’s been offered a promotion which was lovely for her (even though she doesn’t want it. Fair enough)
It’s been really good for her and it’s brilliant to see her so happy but I know she doesn’t want to do this long term. The problem is she has no idea what she wants to do. I think an apprenticeship would be great for her (I know how much competition there is for them) so I intermittently send ones I see that I think look interesting but she just doesn’t have a clue what are wants to do. She’s a brilliant masker and very good with people. Intelligent, funny, really into reading philosophy in her spare time and has plenty of friends (most of whom started uni this year or are due to start so I know she’s starting to feel left behind) .I think she’d be great at plenty of things.. but what?!!

I know no one can tell me what of course and ultimately it has to be something she’s genuinely interested in - and I’m sure that time will come but she would be accepting of a little guidance I think (on a good day)

I thought about a session with a careers advisor? (Or are they still like the ones we had at school?) I also saw something on MN yesterday called a Morrisby test which I googled and that sounds interesting… has anyone done one?

I’m careful not to try and be too involved but she’s definitely at the stage where I think she’s itching to do something and doesn’t want this job to be a long term thing, though it’s great for now.

I know there is so much information on line.. courses / apprenticeships etc but it would be really useful to hear from anyone who has been in a similar position and what services or similar they used to try and get a bit of direction? Thanks!

I would just let her work in a bar for as long as she likes. She is happy and earning and socialising. Congratulate yourself for making it through the most challenging age of having a ND child. She is doing really well. The next stage is about helping her to work out how to identify and verbalise her needs and then work out what sort of jobs or training or living arrangements will work for her. She will need lots of energy to try things out to find what works so it's good for her to have some pressure free down time first.

Genuinely you have done a great job getting her to this point.

@Geneticsbunny thankyou. It sounds like you speak from experience. A terrifying few years!!

Yes I think I know you are right. It’s only been 6 months. She has already started saying that she feels like she has Stockholm Syndrome at the place she works in (joking of course but I know what she’s saying) .. I just know how easy it would be (and yes arguably after the last 4 years who is to say that it would be a bad thing?) to just stay there as it’s a known quantity and she really enjoys it!

I suppose I might just have to put my faith in the fact that she will decide in her own time.

I do think that some sort of on line careers questionnaire / test - only if she was keen could be an interesting thing to do even if she decides to just carry on with what she’s doing for a bit. But I am definitely conscious of your very wise words.. it’s been a traumatic few years for all of us and there have been some very dark and despairing times.. so I should just stop thinking about next steps and just be happy and grateful that she is doing so well now! I think it’s just a parent’s instinct to always be thinking ‘ok what next?’ Isn’t it?!

Thankyou!

That sounds great, I hope that she will recognise that she has a strength in getting on with people and having confidence in that kind of organised but spontaneous setting. It may be masking, but it sounds as if it isn't often stressful.

A couple of things I could suggest are based in a background where I was working for a professional development team (focus was students and very early career people, and additionally being a guinea pig). From my point of view, The Cambridge Code was quite good, there is a book that can be worked through before anything more 'committed'. This gives you a background that shows your main marketable strengths, and probable applications of them, or situations that would, on the other hand, be frustrating or draining. I have done this myself.

Secondly I would recommend some kind of mentoring, ideally with a woman who can dig deeper into some of the findings. Even conversations where you speak and exchange these ideas can go in interesting directions and solidify quite a lot. Could be someone you find through an organisation, or you could ask around with friends, students or work contacts and test the water.

Mine is only 15 so I still have a way to go yet but I know from friends how hard it can be. I have just celebrated that we are now a quarter of the way through gcses and she is still in school woop.
Could you encourage her independence in non work related ways? That would increase her confidence and self esteem and help her to get other bits of her life in order so that she is prepped for a possible move out of home when she is ready for an apprenticeship or uni?
I am thinking stuff like cooking for the family one or two days a week, doing all her own washing, tidying and cleaning her room and maybe taking on one other shared room? Maybe she could pay one of the bills like water or something? If she can do these things easily then it one less adjustment when she moves out.

Also, could she develop skill by using her "special interest" if she has one?

Would an apprenticeship in the hospitality industry be of interest? Hotel management, events planning, catering even?

If she's enjoying the bar work then this could be along the same lines but with qualifications.

If she likes talking to people could she do front of house at restaurants, events, members clubs, or reception in an office?

I would relax and let her enjoy the confidence of being good at something:) She may not feel left behind as you think and might enjoy just being her for a year or so.
id encourage her to visit her friends at Uni and just see if its for her, wander round a few open days at Unis and see what subjects take her fancy - if she likes working with people then there are lots of healthcare options as well as modern marketing. What are her passions when she's happy - is she numerate or literary? But don't rush to a a narrow apprenticeship until you know what makes her happy - I'd sit back though as this can take a year or so - and switching from a narrow education to the huge variety at Uni or apprenticeships is huge x

I would say that she is still so young and has lots of time to think about what she wants to do. I would perhaps focus on getting her in a good place mentally for and extended period of time and then working from there. School really isn't for everyone, and she's got the chance now to see what type of environment she does thrive in.

It's not good for people to be masking all the time, it's exhausting and will ultimately lead to burnout, so its important that she learns what she needs in the long term to support her in work or further studies.