Do I move teen DS school?

[singlemum2025]

My DS is year 9, about to choose his options. He’s gone from year 6 could try harder but well behaved and achieving above in all his SATS (apart from handwriting) to starting secondary and slowly getting worse and worse, now year 9 has moved down to bottom set maths, is misbehaving in lessons, generally mucking around and not taking school seriously, being sent out etc etc. he’s been on report had internal exclusions, he’s hanging round with a bad bunch which I’ve stopped him seeing outside of school but are still in his form and school are reluctant to move his form.

i think there are a few problems here….

1 - it’s an all boys school - head of year has said behaviour is a problem in general as is staff retention so teachers aren’t the best despite it being a good school and sounds like a lot of silly stuff in general going on but my son is one on their radar, I feel like all boys isn’t suiting him, he’s not into sport (just cycling) at primary a lot of his friendships were with girls as he struggled with male friendships - his best friend was in a different class.

2 I’ve always suspected some form of adhd however because he was doing fine in school we never perused a diagnosis. Since starting secondary he just seems to be struggling - getting himself organised for lessons, homework, different expectations from different teachers etc. I feel like secondary started so negatively for him he’s just completely withdrawn he used to enjoy school now hates it. When they first started calling me in it was like he was a different child. At home he’s chatty, has a great sense of humour (although sometimes takes things too far/doesn’t think) helpful, kind etc etc. I feel like he’s got a reputation now at school and no matter what he does he’s the one being blamed a lot of the time and they are just on him.

I know he needs to buck up his ideas but I am currently debating moving him schools to mixed for a fresh start and to maybe reset. I can just see him failing currently if he carry’s on how he is.

he is adamant he doesn’t want to move - this is what’s holding me back and I’m worried him starting again and making friends.

I feel like it could either be the making of him or ruin his life.

has anyone been through similar?

My daughter is Y10 and diagnosed ADHD last summer. She started struggling in Y8. Again getting pulled into behaviour with others and getting a reputation herself. we are now in a difficult position - I have offered her to move schools but she doesn’t want to - and tbh I think the same thing would happen there.

she can behave - many of her friends have short term placements at PRU’s for example and her behaviour is very different on those days.

I think she has just checked out of school tbh. She gets sent out of lessons so is now getting behind with stuff which makes things worse as she doesn’t engage. She is bright and capable bit she struggles with focus and has no confidence so immediate reaction is I cannot do cuz

I would definitely want to look at other options. Hard at that age if they aren't willing though.

Sounds like the main issue is undiagnosed adhd. How is he supposed to access lessons if he can't concentrate? I would get that sorted first and then move school if it's still needed. With a right to choose diagnosis you could only be waiting 6 months. Make sure you choose one which can prescribe as well as diagnose.

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

I'd move him. Sorting out diagnosis and any additional support for adhd (if he has it) might not help if he's surrounded by people who drag him down. My nephew (diagnosed adhd) got expelled in year 10 for bad behaviour, moved to another school and is now doing well when he's not hanging around with boys who encourage him to do stupid stuff and misbehave.

I moved my son in actually weirdly almost identical circumstances - actually moved him part way through year 9.

It was so the right thing to do - I was worried but he settled almost immediately (he did know kids already)

he was just constantly in trouble after a bad start to secondary - despite having been fairly well behaved in primary.

I thought he needed a fresh start - his form tutor actually advised us not to move him - but Im so glad I did!

he had a new start, didn't carry all the baggage with him - just has got off on a better foot generally and not been in much trouble at all since the new start.

Has he got friends there OP - outside of the 'bad bunch'.

Why are the school so reluctant to move forms? Do they think the bunch aren't the issue?

is this a private or grammar school? I'm assuming based on being single sex. Have you got another school in mind?

Hi thanks for your replies everyone, I had parents evening last week and teachers all say the same thing - he’s a bright boy, passing tests but is so much more capable and when not with certain friends is a lovely child but when with these friends just mucks around. I would say I am 80% sure he has adhd, I’ve always thought there was something, he even saw a psychologist for another reason and I mentioned to her however he focused well on the task she gave him and she just thought he was exceptionally bright. However when it’s not his interest he isn’t. His maths teacher said when he’s writing out sums my son knows the answer before him! In year 5 the teacher said he was helping teach the class what they were learning and explaining in other ways.

its a state school not grammar - wish o had perhaps pushed for this but grammars near us are very selective and children are tutored which I could not afford as a single parent.

speaking to teachers they say he also has all the ideas but struggles to write it down. I mentioned about a laptop and they have said this is something he could use as I know he struggles with handwriting and I think that doesn’t help either.

he already has some things to help him like a time out card so if he needs to take 5 he can show and leave the lesson.

I think as well a lot of the things he does to regulate get him in trouble, like for example wiggling his leg or tapping the table etc and I have spoken to him about things to do instead and provided putty etc for his pocket.

is the right to choose a private pathway?

interesting a couple that have moved have done well.

im not sure why school are reluctant to move him, one child he started with has moved, I feel like they are trying to keep the difficult ones together so they don’t disrupt everyone in a way.

he has one other friend in his form who is okay, and one through his hobby but in a different form but they aren’t that close. He still sees the friend from primary school outside school and his school is one I’ve considered moving him to.