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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Stepson refusing college after husbands comments

28 replies

gildedivy · 30/01/2026 11:46

My stepson has just turned 16 and I've been with my husband for 11 years, we have DC together.

When stepson was growing up, we didn't see him often. He lived in a different city and his mum would often refuse to bring him (shed drive halfway and DHA would pick him up from there). She'd often say he was unwell to travel or do anything, when dh would offer to go there to them shed say no point as he wouldn't be able to do anything. During the times he did visit anyway, as would be fine, but he was upset and angry as DH didn't want anything to do with him, as his mum had told him.

He's had a stoma since he was 14, he'd been unwell since birth but his mum exaggerated the illness, she didn't allow him to have friends, she told him school didn't understand and eventually pulled him out during primary school. He didn't really do much homeschooling though.

During the summer, he fell out with his mum and wanted to come here, it turned out she was claiming DLA and he had no idea which was the initial row, he was 15 at the time so I don't know how right that is. But then it was because he had no friends and she called him spoilt and ungrateful because she was protecting him. According to SS he was left to his own devices a lot unless it was to complain about how hard caring for him was to partners and just anyone who would listen

He came in about July and we managed to get a place at the local college, he's meant to be in Y11 by its a 14-16 course and he does have gaps in his education so he's not sitting his GCSEs until next year (it was agreed with the college and his tutors).

He doesn't talk about the stoma, if we ask him anything he says it's none of our business (he says this to most other things too like have you eaten etc), he refuses to talk to DH full stop. We order his supplies online for delivery and he never tells us when he needs more, I've started guessing and ordering when I think is best and he does say thank you but that's it. If we left it to him to order I don't think he would as he generally pretends it isn't there

The problem is he doesn't change or empty the bag regularly so it leaks, I don't think it's the actual supplies, it's just he ignores the fact he needs to. I know when he was with his mum she changed it all the time and he didn't really have a choice and he hated it. Because of this I did ask him if he actually knows how to do it just in case he didn't and that was the issue but he said he does. Due to the leaks his skin gets so sore

It leaked again yesterday and he asked me to sort his bed so he could have a shower and get sorted so I did, DH cane back during it and he was furious with SS, he firstly, said it was misogynistic to expect me to clean up his mess and said he's disgusting and lazy and he won't have any friends let alone a Gf if he carries on and compared it to if he didn't have the stoma and was pooing himself. Stspson didn't say much, I was telling DH to leave him alone but he wouldn't and accused me of enabling him

He is hard work and living with him isn't easy, he's rude and snappy, he can be aggressive when challenged, his hygiene isn't great as a whole and his college attendance isn't great. He leaves a mess wherever he goes with crumbs, rubbish, anything. He also refuses counselling and hospital appointmentsand talking to his stoma nurse. There's more to it I'm not saying he's perfect.

Today he refused college because everyone thinks he's disgusting, which were his words. He hasn't left his room and has refused to talk to DH this morning which annoyed him more when he was sat staring outside when DH was talking to him. Husband hasn't apologised, he says he was telling the truth and someone has to because life and people won't be kind

I just feel DH shouldn't have said it because now he's set him back and refused college

OP posts:
titchy · 30/01/2026 11:50

Poor kid. Failed by both parents throughout his life. What in gods name do you see in your despicable nasty shitshow of a husband?

RedToothBrush · 30/01/2026 11:52

He doesn't get a choice.

If he doesn't manage it he is being disgusting. But everyone will think he's a lazy good for nothing shirker is he refuses to get off his arse and do something about it and doesn't get his backside to college.

Your husband could have handled it better, but he's also not wrong and I do think you are being soft on a kid who is abdicating all responsibility and running away from his mum.

You are going to have bigger problems than this if you aren't tough on him unfortunately.

bitterexwife · 30/01/2026 11:56

I’ve cared for lots of people who live with stoma’s, and they do leak.
Your husband is a cunt.

Lindy2 · 30/01/2026 12:03

It sounds like your step son is struggling. He needs support and encouragement to manage things not his father telling him he's disgusting.

It must be very difficult to be a child or a teenager with a stoma. I'm not surprised he finds it difficult to talk about it. You're not someone he knows well and his father's attitude is horrible. He asked you for help so was starting to trust you and his dad verbally slams him down.

Middletoleft · 30/01/2026 12:03

The first poster got it right. Poor kid's being failed by both parents - and your DH has been/is being as much use as a chocolate teapot.

He needs help to get his personal care sorted out so he can help himself. But, he also needs to get it into his own head that he needs to help himself.

A little bit of respect for you from them both wouldn't go amiss either.

liamharha · 30/01/2026 12:37

gildedivy · 30/01/2026 11:46

My stepson has just turned 16 and I've been with my husband for 11 years, we have DC together.

When stepson was growing up, we didn't see him often. He lived in a different city and his mum would often refuse to bring him (shed drive halfway and DHA would pick him up from there). She'd often say he was unwell to travel or do anything, when dh would offer to go there to them shed say no point as he wouldn't be able to do anything. During the times he did visit anyway, as would be fine, but he was upset and angry as DH didn't want anything to do with him, as his mum had told him.

He's had a stoma since he was 14, he'd been unwell since birth but his mum exaggerated the illness, she didn't allow him to have friends, she told him school didn't understand and eventually pulled him out during primary school. He didn't really do much homeschooling though.

During the summer, he fell out with his mum and wanted to come here, it turned out she was claiming DLA and he had no idea which was the initial row, he was 15 at the time so I don't know how right that is. But then it was because he had no friends and she called him spoilt and ungrateful because she was protecting him. According to SS he was left to his own devices a lot unless it was to complain about how hard caring for him was to partners and just anyone who would listen

He came in about July and we managed to get a place at the local college, he's meant to be in Y11 by its a 14-16 course and he does have gaps in his education so he's not sitting his GCSEs until next year (it was agreed with the college and his tutors).

He doesn't talk about the stoma, if we ask him anything he says it's none of our business (he says this to most other things too like have you eaten etc), he refuses to talk to DH full stop. We order his supplies online for delivery and he never tells us when he needs more, I've started guessing and ordering when I think is best and he does say thank you but that's it. If we left it to him to order I don't think he would as he generally pretends it isn't there

The problem is he doesn't change or empty the bag regularly so it leaks, I don't think it's the actual supplies, it's just he ignores the fact he needs to. I know when he was with his mum she changed it all the time and he didn't really have a choice and he hated it. Because of this I did ask him if he actually knows how to do it just in case he didn't and that was the issue but he said he does. Due to the leaks his skin gets so sore

It leaked again yesterday and he asked me to sort his bed so he could have a shower and get sorted so I did, DH cane back during it and he was furious with SS, he firstly, said it was misogynistic to expect me to clean up his mess and said he's disgusting and lazy and he won't have any friends let alone a Gf if he carries on and compared it to if he didn't have the stoma and was pooing himself. Stspson didn't say much, I was telling DH to leave him alone but he wouldn't and accused me of enabling him

He is hard work and living with him isn't easy, he's rude and snappy, he can be aggressive when challenged, his hygiene isn't great as a whole and his college attendance isn't great. He leaves a mess wherever he goes with crumbs, rubbish, anything. He also refuses counselling and hospital appointmentsand talking to his stoma nurse. There's more to it I'm not saying he's perfect.

Today he refused college because everyone thinks he's disgusting, which were his words. He hasn't left his room and has refused to talk to DH this morning which annoyed him more when he was sat staring outside when DH was talking to him. Husband hasn't apologised, he says he was telling the truth and someone has to because life and people won't be kind

I just feel DH shouldn't have said it because now he's set him back and refused college

Ah poor lad .
Rhin5he probably needs so rough guidance but not as rough as his and has given it and well done to you for trying to diffuse the situation.
I've got teenage boys and sometime brutal is the only way to be to get them in the shower but obviously hes going to berry sensitive and hyper aware of his stoma and mum hasn't helped by doing too much for him and dad's made him feel embarrassed and humiliated now .
Think a good talk with husband who needs to apologise to him and help him learn to do these things for himself .

Original poster
gildedivy · 30/01/2026 13:46

I do think that DH has made things worse especially by saying he won't have any friends as he already struggles socially after not really being allowed to socialise so he has little social skills. I think he does have a few friends now but he doesn't see them outside of college, he's always in his room

OP posts:
GandTtwice · 30/01/2026 14:06

You are doing good things so far OP even though this should be coming from his own parents.
I wonder if there areany online support groups for teenagers with stoma? It might be worth seeing if he would engage with them as a start. He probably feels all quite different from the other college, especially after how your H treated him, it might just help him.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/01/2026 14:11

You husband is a terrible father and you sound like a very caring stepparent. This poor kid has been failed by everyone but at least you’re trying. he’s never been giving the chance to learn how to do anything for himself so dropping him into the deep end, having all this going on alongside and just his age is a horrible mix. We are having a lot of hygiene arguments with our 13 year old daughter and she has lived here with us her whole life and is still a nightmare about it. Everything else on top… poor kid.

I think you both need to pull it way back and do the parenting you should have been doing for the last 15 years. Walk him through it and do everything for him for now and then take little steps towards independence. It sounds like the stoma is a lifelong situation so he will need to learn, but he can’t learn from scratch without support.

What a terrible man your husband is though, cannot believe he just abandoned his son and then made it his fault :(

Iloveeverycat · 30/01/2026 14:16

bitterexwife · 30/01/2026 11:56

I’ve cared for lots of people who live with stoma’s, and they do leak.
Your husband is a cunt.

This my mum had one and leaked quite a lot there is not a lot you can you. You can try changing bag type or they do ones with a tap. Maybe try to talk to the stoma nurse about problems he is having. It is disgusting the way he was spoken to.

Morepositivemum · 30/01/2026 14:16

This definitely seems like a case where there’s multiple sides to the story, eg did she over exaggerate or was she just so worried or was it worse than your dh thought/ saw, did the child actually feel awful and unable to visit or was she keeping him away from his dad? Was the payment wrong etc etc. it’s difficult for all of them I’d guess, I feel for him and you and his mum and dad too

eta your dh does need to get it together or everyone will end up estranged

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2026 14:18

Your husband is vile. Of the two piss poor parents, he is the worst. I am not remotely surprised he stays in his room given that his parents have destroyed his confidence. No idea what you can do going forward.

loislovesstewie · 30/01/2026 14:22

Your DH wasn't being kind.
Your stepson can't expect you to guess what supplies he needs or when.
If he hates his dad so much why is he living with you? ( I understand mum seems awful too)
Stepson needs to change own bedding as part of self care.

Waterbaby41 · 30/01/2026 14:34

What a lovely stepmum you are. The first thing that needs to be sorted is day to day care of his stoma. The stoma nurses should help with this (when I was in a similar situation the nurses made sure I did know how to care for the stoma including emptying, leaks etc - not because I was going to do that side of things all the time - but that I could if needed and also could support). If not - use you tube - maybe you and SS can watch together? If his skin is getting sore, he may need some additional help with products that can help with that). Once he is confident with looking after it, other stuff will start to fall into place. DH should - ideally - be part of this too, although I am inclined to say just give him a sharp kick up the arse. The emotional impact of living with a stoma shouldn't be discounted but if can get better.Good luck.

Original poster
gildedivy · 30/01/2026 16:16

His mum did lie to him about DH not wanting anything to do with him which wasn't true, she moved to a different city and then would say he was too unwell etc so DH couldn't see him

He refuses to talk to his stoma nurse

OP posts:
NewUserName2244 · 30/01/2026 17:51

I’ve got a stoma and it does leak sometimes. I didn’t have it as a child but even at 40 I don’t find it a nice thing to deal with, so I have some sympathy with dss.

I think that if I were you, I would take dss out for a drive and a takeaway Mac Donald’s and tell him adults don’t always make good choices and that you think his dad was being a bit of a dick yesterday.

And I’d say to him that you’re happy to help him with things which he asks for help with, and that you had felt really pleased that he felt comfortable to ask you. And that you’re a bit upset that dad might have ruined that.

And then I’d ask him if he would go to the stoma nurse with you so that you can learn how to help. Tell him he doesn’t have to talk about things to her unless he wants to, just literally be there to help you learn.

Nearly50omg · 30/01/2026 18:07

gildedivy · 30/01/2026 16:16

His mum did lie to him about DH not wanting anything to do with him which wasn't true, she moved to a different city and then would say he was too unwell etc so DH couldn't see him

He refuses to talk to his stoma nurse

And do you know this because of fact or because your husband told you? He is a horrible person and a terrible dad and I don’t know why you are backing him up!

DuchessDandelion · 30/01/2026 18:16

God poor boy.

Your husband needs the riot act read to him, quite frankly, what he said to his son was absolutely abhorrent and utterly incorrect.

Having a stoma as a teenager can be brutal and others have said, they do leak. I wouldn't be surprised if he's fairly traumatised about his medical experiences. What was it due to, can you say?

I hope you reassure him that he doesn't smell, isn't disgusting and his friends won't care. And that is dad is both very very wrong and incredibly out of line.

Depending on the type of stoma he has,the leaking may be down to difficulties in managing it or with the stool, rather than because he's ignoring it, so don't assume. It's pretty clear that he's internalised it's something to be ashamed of and his dad will have reinforced that a hundred fold today. Poor boy.

You need to do a few things:
Lots of reassurance and make clear that his dad is in the wrong and behaved badly.
Encourage his dad to apologise.

Research living with whatever type of stoma he has - you're clearly doing your best but you need to know more than you do.

Finally, there's a large online community of people with stomas, young and old. Find some, and if on social media, set up an anonymous profile for him and point him in the direction of the groups and people he can be connected with. Finding a community online will go a long way to helping put the right the shame, fear and self consciousness he feels. They'll also give him lots of advice.

He'll probably find that easier than reaching out to his stoma nurse.

You might find it easier to talk to him in the car.

You need to lead on this because his dad has done a lot of lasting damage today, which his son will never forget.

Portabello99 · 30/01/2026 18:17

I have a DS with a medical problem and he’s super messy. I did all the ordering until he was 20! Yes it would have been great if he’d stepped up earlier but it wasn’t something I could leave to chance.
I would push responsibility for ordinary chores you would expect a 16 year old to do The medical side feels very unfair. Something other people don’t need to manage on top college etc. Sometimes they push against it. It’s part of the adjustment process.
Teach him the easy stuff first - basic chores, cooking and organisation. Make it positive - stuff he’s going to need when he’s living with his mates etc.
smartwatches, phone apps, Alexa reminders all help with basic organisation
Know that he will do it eventually. Probably when he starts dating!
Is there an activity he and his dad could enjoy together - most teen boys aren’t good at talking when the focus is on the talking but activities that build self esteem a sport or a project they can work on.
But yes his dad is a dick and needs to apologise.

loislovesstewie · 30/01/2026 18:54

My son was diagnosed with T1 diabetes over 25 years ago. At the initial meeting with the paediatric diabetic nurse it was impressed on all of us that he had to take responsibility for monitoring his blood sugar, injecting insulin and reminding me what supplies he needed. He was 11. Of course I monitored him, but as he went to school, out with his friends etc he had to know exactly what to do and be confident in doing it. I'm afraid that children with chronic health issues have to grow up fast.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/01/2026 23:34

loislovesstewie · 30/01/2026 18:54

My son was diagnosed with T1 diabetes over 25 years ago. At the initial meeting with the paediatric diabetic nurse it was impressed on all of us that he had to take responsibility for monitoring his blood sugar, injecting insulin and reminding me what supplies he needed. He was 11. Of course I monitored him, but as he went to school, out with his friends etc he had to know exactly what to do and be confident in doing it. I'm afraid that children with chronic health issues have to grow up fast.

Absolutely appreciate that but this child was neglected by both his parents so had no way to become self sufficient. His mother refused to let him learn, wouldn’t let him leave the house for school or have friends or let him take care of it himself. She was abusive and his father was neglectful. Your son was looked after and supported to live a full life.

Zanatdy · 31/01/2026 16:50

My mum had one for a year and it leaked a lot. Getting the right product can help. Try and have a gentle conversation with him when his dad isn’t around. His dad, well no words, horrible.

Octavia64 · 31/01/2026 16:55

My dad had a stoma. They do leak. It’s just the way it is.

he had a batch once nearly all of which leaked.

Bruisername · 31/01/2026 17:00

NewUserName2244 · 30/01/2026 17:51

I’ve got a stoma and it does leak sometimes. I didn’t have it as a child but even at 40 I don’t find it a nice thing to deal with, so I have some sympathy with dss.

I think that if I were you, I would take dss out for a drive and a takeaway Mac Donald’s and tell him adults don’t always make good choices and that you think his dad was being a bit of a dick yesterday.

And I’d say to him that you’re happy to help him with things which he asks for help with, and that you had felt really pleased that he felt comfortable to ask you. And that you’re a bit upset that dad might have ruined that.

And then I’d ask him if he would go to the stoma nurse with you so that you can learn how to help. Tell him he doesn’t have to talk about things to her unless he wants to, just literally be there to help you learn.

This is great advice

my heart breaks for him - thank goodness he has you. He clearly needs a great deal of support and his dad seems incapable of offering it. He’s only has the aroma a couple of years and the mental impact will also have been huge

I think you can only make baby steps here - encourage the stoma nurse and therapy but don’t push it. Lots of praise when he deals with things well.