Trigger warning - self-harm, screen time, setting limits

[CranberryM]

Hello. First time posting. I am at a loss. I have 14 year old twins. Raised well, polite, intelligent and I thought were doing ok in life however, two weeks ago, I found a notebook (not hidden - literally just on bedroom floor by her bed) which detailed one of my daughters struggles with not wanting to be here anymore.

I sat down and talked with her, and she showed me she had cut her arms (scratches using a dermaplaner). She explained she feels worried her friends don't like her but she knows that they do, body image concerns - thinking she's fat but knowing she's not, feeling like her dad and I favour her twin sister (her sister does a lot of sports which takes up a lot of time and dad coaches the team).

Her sister is quite demanding in terms of wanting dad and I's attention whereas the one who has self-harmed is quieter and less demanding.

Anyway, I'm at a loss as to what to do to help her. She hasn't hurt herself since I found out and it did appear to be a one off, but I am constantly on edge and always worried. For example, if she's in the bathroom too long (likely scrolling on her phone), I worry she's hurting herself etc.

She spends a lot of time in her bedroom on her phone and I just can't seem to engage with her. I've started checking in on her more, going in and asking if she's ok, if she'd like a drink/snack etc. Suggesting watching a film, going for a walk, but she just says no.

Getting her up and out of the house can be a struggle, but when she's out she's usually happy and chatty.

I feel guilty for allowing them snapchat as I noticed she has viewed a lot of content about anxiety on there so have spent hours changing settings/blocking accounts etc to limit this content but I know it's not foolproof.

They used to have time limits on their phones, but over time this just kind of stopped however, by adding time limits back in, my husband feels we'd be punishing our other daughter, who in fairness, does use her phone sensibly - doesn't scroll for hours or stay in her room on her phone etc. She usually sits with us in the living room.

I'm keen to set limits again but don't want to rock the boat in terms of her twin, who I might add struggled knowing her sister had harmed herself.

It all feels a bit much. I'm not sleeping, not eating and I'm constantly on edge and just want to help before it gets to the point of no return.

I guess what I'm asking is how can I engage her in something other than her phone, encourage her to spend less time on her phone and engage in family life whilst ensuring both girls feel seen. It's such a hard balance.

Yes, she’s attending school as normal and had her first therapy session yesterday. Her school is aware.

I think it is easy for teens to feel that siblings are getting more attention and it may not always be objectively justified. Is there something that you/your husband can do with this twin which is a one-on-one weekly activity matching her interests? It will be very difficult to get her off snapchat/instagram but you should be able to explain to her how the algorithms of these apps work, so that she knows why she is receiving certain content. I think it is great that she was opening up to you about her struggles and I fear that making these public too much (for instance by going to the school) would maybe hurt the trust she clearly placed in you. Try to continue this open conversation: would she like it if you went to school? Would she like to have therapy? There should be a solution which leaves her (at least in part) in the driving seat as it is important that she can feel some ownership.

I’m not sure I know what you mean by ‘give this time weekly’? She’s having weekly therapy.

The school have helped, but that’s not what I’m asking for help with.

She asked me to inform the school and she’s having therapy which started yesterday.

Thank you. Yes, I agree.

Why would setting time limit on phones be 'punishing' the untroubled daughter? Both of them absolutely need boundaries on phone use. Time limits, phones plugged in outside their bedrooms to charge at night etc.

i would just add more screen time controls- for both kids. If the other twin is using it sensibly then it won’t affect them anyway. We have limits per app - 10 mins Snapchat so she can keep the streaks, she doesn’t use it for messaging really. 1 hr tik tok however it’s on a child account and I have access so i can see everything she is viewing. No other social media. We went through a similar thing and with these limits and therapy she is in a much better place. We didnt allow tik tok at all but she was accessing it on other devices unsafely so we made the decision it was better to allow some access with us monitoring.

She’s told you she feels like you favour her twin so that balance needs redressing. If dad and sibling are out at sports use that time to do things together. Find something she is interested in and make plans around that. Go away together 1 on 1.

TBH I’d get rid of smart phones altogether and replace with a feature phone (dumb phone) but if you won’t do that then remove all social media. It is common knowledge that social media increases anxiety and there is a lot of self harm content targeted at young people.

Good luck. Parenting teens is hard and heartbreaking to see them low but how great that she’s talked to you.

Have a look at the Childline website. When you have done that, have a look at it with her. Encourage her to talk to someone about how she is feeling. I’m a counsellor working with children. It is really common to have suicidal thoughts, thoughts about not being here. Should those thoughts progress, or if she thinks about acting on them, you want to know that. So work on exactly what you are doing, giving her the space to talk openly, trying to understand what’s going on for her and by offering a non judgmental space, encouraging her to keep talking. I know it’s scary for you but keep in mind she is talking and she is aware and she wants things to change-those are all very powerful.

I guess because she uses her phone sensibly. Phones are out of bedrooms at night.

But ALL 14 year olds should have boundaries regarding screen time. The 'sensible' daughter may not remain sensible - the temptation to scroll endlessly and access unhealthy content is huge. Controls on screen time, and on apps used, shouldn't be seen as a punishment - it's conscientious parenting. There are more dangers to your daughters online than there are in the real world.

There’s a Facebook group called Parenting Mental Health with lots of advice on SH in teenagers, really worth joining.

you've mentioned her sister does a lot of sport and dad coaches them. Do you spend the same amount of time with her?

You say her sister is demanding but she isn't - does this mean she gets more attention and time?

It sounds like you need to move your focus a little and be more mindful that because she's quiet doesn't mean she can be left out or that she's happy. I don't think things like snapchat are the issue - is using them giving her answers maybe because her perception is that you/your DH aren't there for her so she's turned to SM? just a suggestion...

She is the forgotten twin, and you are feeling guilty for allowing this to happen. Hopefully you are booked in for lessons to help you help her.

If her twin is sensible on her phone then limits won't impact as she'll be inside them anyway won't she?

Agree keep twin 1 close, do more with her, make her feel more valued / appreciated. Maybe try to find an activity just for her?

If she already uses her phone sensibly then the phone limits won’t affect her? If she is hardly using her phone anyway if you set a screen limit of an hour or two a day it doesn’t sound like she will hit it so it will make no difference to her. Also, boundaries you out in place to keep your teens safe are not ‘punishments’ and you never know when things could change for your sensible twin, she could meet a new group of friends or a boy etc in a few months and suddenly it could all change and she could also be using her phone in concerning ways.

At 14 it is absolutely not unreasonable to put screen limits in place and if one twin is using her phone sensibly already she shouldn’t even notice them. If she does notice them then maybe she’s not being as sensible as you say?

Just spend time with her any way you can, keep offering, take her on small errands for time in the car, meet her where she is as much as you can. I don’t have solid concrete answers as I am about three years in with my daughter. Focus on her, prioritise her. I’ve taken my daughter away on breaks just the two of us, we do a lot of driving, frequent supermarket trips etc, just find ways to get to know her.

and ignore dickish replies on mumsnet that add nothing useful

You haven't really mentioned the relationship between your twins. Mine are close and would share everything with each other and what they are going through. Does her sister know about this. Don't they interact at all. You said about her being alone in her room a lot. Mine spent most of their time together when they are home.

Has your daughter always been like that being upstairs when her sister is down is she avoiding her.