17yo stuck on screens & doing nothing ASD

[BackAche21]

My DD stopped going to school in Y8, soon after autism was diagnosed and following 4 years of school avoidance / refusal. She had a year in burn out where leaving her bed, let alone leaving the house, was very difficult. Since then she’s done some online learning and has 4 GCSEs. She’s retaking Maths this year and has become much more independent and confident. She has made new friends who share her interests and they have moved from online friends to RL friends.

She does things on her own sometimes but still spends huge amounts of each day watching TV & on her phone in bed. This is partly self regulation, partly doom scrolling, partly apathy.

Her school cohort are now Y13 and she’s aware that they are starting to move forward with their lives. She’s aware and dissatisfied with herself but it’s really hard to help her to do volunteering or casual work. She started doing a few hours in a charity shop but stopped turning up there. She went to a few gym sessions but then stopped. She took her CV around to some local shops but has given up.

I know these things are hard to overcome and I am sympathetic but also I could do with some ideas about how to help her without over helping. I’ve be always had belief in her and thought she will get where she needs to get, but it will take time. Now I’m worried she’s getting stuck and is giving up on trying. Any ideas about how to help her shift? My hunch is her inactivity is making things harder but she’s super picky about what she’s prepared to try.

You need to parent up. You need to make her situation during the week much more scheduled and productive.

So…. She gets up, showered and dressed by 9am. She has NO screen 9-12.30, and then again 1.30-3.30pm. Just like if at school.

She does chores. A lot of chores.

She does school work.

and if she doesn’t… you give no lifts, no money and stop paying mobile bill

Oh and what’s her diet like?

Does she have any ambition to go to college or any interest in what type of job she would like to do? This could be a starting point for getting some hep and support to achieve some goals.
Sounds positive that she’s gained some confidence and independence and is retaking her Maths.

How does she feel about her diagnosis and does she connect with any girls who are autistic? You could look what’s out there as some areas have leisure opportunities or clubs for ND teens Some have groups and activities for girls.
Look on the SEN Local Offer for your LA to see what is available.

Would she engage with setting up an analogue bag to give her time away from screens ( puzzle books, doodling, reading material felt tips crafts etc)
Has she had any help and support with her mental health?
I know you want to help her and if you can unpick what it is she wants to do you can look at ways to help her to achieve some goals.

If she stopped going to school in Year 8, I am guessing after covid she never really returned? - has she ever really been to school since primary. You need to put in structure, she cant stay in bed. You talk about 'burn out' - really?!

@Noteufy
Chores - yes she is pretty good in this area - does things when asked. Keeps her own room pristine and periodically blitzes family bathroom and kitchen.

Schedule & sanctions I agree but she needs something to fill those hours, and that’s what’s lacking and where I could do with new ideas.

homework - all good but there isn’t that much when you just have 1 subject.

eating - now good but history of arfid and emetophobia so she cooks her own food.

@24Dogcuddler
Thanks. You’re in the right zone for the challenges. Love the analogue bag idea. I think she wants college but is very scared about any kind of group learning after all those years away from school. She wants to do yoga so I am trying to help that get started as it’s group based. Otherwise she does everything on her own because of social battery and avoidance. Avoidance is a huge way of life for her and she has to be in control.

I agree with first post. Why on earth does she have access to a phone if her behaviour / resilience is so poor??! You are enabling her to lie there doing nothing.. have you read the book ‘the anxious generation’? The phone is not good for her. Take it away until she improves her efforts to get up and get on.

@redwinecheeseandothersnacks

Apart from Covid interruptions she did parts of Y7 and Y8. The ND burnout year was the equivalent of Y9. Since then home Ed (EOTAS) with 1:1 tutoring. She definitely finds the thiught of learning in a group very difficult even if she wants to progress.

forgot to mention she hasEHCP.

She has an EHCP. Great.

She could do a low stress level 1 course at college to get her back into things. Dd was able to do hers with relatively poor attendance because she worked hard when there. Then she worked up as she got more used to college.

Also, do you know about supported internships? It is support into work for those with EHCPs. I have a thread in Further Education.

@babyproblems
i don’t think you are thinking very carefully about what I’ve written. Or perhaps you have limited experience of how to use sanctions with autistic kids. Obviously the phone is not good for her. The problem I’m posting about is how to help her to get on, as you put it. She doesn’t like how things are now. Nor do I but the things I’ve tried haven’t stuck.

@TeenToTwenties
Thanks, I will look into that. I’ve seen supported internships from Ambitious About Autism but they are for kids who also have learning problems, which isn’t her case.

I think a in-person or hybrid college that is fine with low attendance would be ideal. Do they exist?!

Dd was/is at agricultural college. Lovely spacious grounds where you can get away from others (when not raining!) They were really supportive when she started there having missed all of y11 due to her poor MH.

(I'm not sure they would say they are 'fine' with low attendance, but DD worked hard and kept up, and they understood her issues. They never complained to me about it anyway )

First post nails it.
As the mum of two probably ND children, scrolling on their phones is not regulating, it's addictive. TV when feeling unwell or to wind down in the evening, maybe.
I think "burnout" is probably depression and graded activity will help with that too but you say she's out of that so that's good.

Agree with a PP that an agricultural college might be best, if there's one near you. Depending on the college, groups can be fairly small, but they usually have more of a laidback atmosphere and supportive staff. Students may only be there 3/4 days per week, with some college courses expecting a day on placement, but that would depend on her area of interest. It's also not unusual for courses to have 1-2 students who are older than the rest of the cohort.

Depending on her GCSE results, she could work her way up from a Level 1 course if necessary, studying for GCSE Maths and English alongside her course.