My DD 15 has no friends - how do i help her

[Kerrylass]

Hi There, just looking for some guidance here from parents who have already gone throw this and come out the other side.

My DD 15 is a lovely bright girl. She goes to the local school and simply exists there. Academically shes doing great but socially she is lost and lonely.

We talked last night and she was upset. She eats her lunch with others but she doesn't connect with them. The girls who she would like to be with have moved on with others and she has been left out. She plays a sport which will start back in the spring and there are girls there that she does get on well with. These girls don't attend her school, my DD could easily move to their school but i dread she would be in the same boat there. Everyone else seems to be in established friendship groups. No'one ever calls her to meet up and she never has plans. if it wasn't for her cousins she literally would have no social life at all.

She was bullied by a girl at school last year. The silent bully type who would roll her eyes when she entered a room, move away from her desk etc. Thankfully the school dealt with it swiftly but i do think it has affected her confidence.

I have advised her to reach out to a local girl over the mid term and she has agreed to do that. Has anyone any other tips?

What is the sport? Can she do any pre training and see people then?

Did she have friends at primary? is this a lifelong issue she has had - ie. social struggles - or do you think it's just genuinely connected to this school.

Personally I would not be afraid to move a teen if they were unhappy in school.

I’d move her to another school, it’s scary but sometimes it’s just what is needed.

What year is she in, OP? It’ll be either Y10 or Y11 - neither of which is ideal for a move really.

Not at aged 15 too close to GCSE.

please consider ND my daughter was straight level 9, excelled at everything struggled socially but I saw this aged 3 so did the following (appreciate you might not be able to do the same):
encouraged board games with me
encourage reading with strong girl role models eg Anne of Green Gables
got her a dog he slept on her bed
got her fresh hair and exercise mainly swimming and horseriding with a bit of paddle boarding
taught social skills and started down an ASC route
encouraged plays an theatre, role playing and drama etc

Ruby Redford, Jessica fletcher, high potential, Miss marple etc all strong woman role models

She was thriving academic and made friends in Year 11 mainly through D and D. Her friends are very similar to her.

I’m not saying your daughter is ND but it presents very differently in girls. My daughter is absolutely amazing with animals and academically and the school kept saying she’s not ASC. She is and has a diagnosis.

It's so tough being 15! I feel for her.

I imagine she's somewhat of a 'floater' as I call it. Gets on with everyone just fine but unable to form connections deeper than surface level friendship.
I was/am the same.

It has its advantages. As an adult in the workplace I am able to get along with everyone. I can move between clicky groups easily with the school mums etc. But I do sometimes feel lonely that I'm never 'part of it'.

I think all you can do really is foster any hobbies & encourage her to find like minded peers.

She was a bit of a floater at primary but was friendly with the local girl in the last year or so - they went to different schools (the school I can change her to). This is the girl i advised her to connect with at ,midterm. I do feel that maybe a change of school might be necessary.

Its Ireland so she has Junior cert exams in June and could easily move in September for the last 2 years. Theres also an option to do a transition year next year which would be helpful for her.

I dont think shes ND. Shes just shy and insecure. I do think the bully made her doubt herself. She isnt the type to push herself forward, which means shes left behind alot
I get what you say about strong women role models. Shes a reader, loves music, make up, jewelry. She likes to hang out in her room. She is very happy at home. She knows she is loved.

does the school do after school clubs? DS met his friends through DnD club, drama club, chess club and book club. He is pretty nerdy and it helped him find like-minded people. They are not in his classes, but they meet up at break and lunch to hang out together.

My dd was a bit like that...the 3rd wheel in primary and moved from friend group to friend group in secondary. But in 2nd year she finally found her gang and is really happy now. It's a big school so there's plenty of scope for friends. She did a solo hobby for a while that she really enjoyed and kept her going.

She's in TY now and it's amazing for developing confidence etc. They also may start a part time job which also builds the social circle.

Yeah, encourage her to be the one to reach out and suggest meeting up. I think a lot might be the same - slow to be the one to suggest stuff. But the others are happy to go when asked.

And in TY encourage her to try everything she has the slightest interest in, she might love it.

It’s a tricky one. I had similar when dd was about 13. On reflection I/we didn’t handle it well and kept trying to offer solutions when really I just wished I/we had accepted it was temporary and made the most of the one on one time with her (even though at times she wasn’t pleasant or easy to be around and focused a lot of her frustrations and anger on me).

Much as it hurts you I would make sure she knows you love her and really try not to make a big deal out of it and or put all of your or her eggs in one basket by focusing all your hopes on reconnecting with this one ex-friend (which may or may not work out well). I also wouldn’t move schools.

Go for walks, go for drives, go for milk shakes, go to the cinema or whatever. Be supportive if she fancies a new activity or club etc. She will find her tribe ultimately but many young people go through a quiet time of not fitting in etc. Then all of a sudden they are busy then up and off and away at University.

Write off the school aspect and concentrate on connections out of sport. Get her into hobbies she is genuinely into that also involve people her own age. Once established, facilitate get togethers with people from there who she feels connections with outside of the hobby, such as going to see a movie and having a fast food meal after, then work up to inviting them over to hers for a movie afternoon hang out etc. Have a few different hobbies on the boil with this, such as art classes, jewellery making, pottery, archery, drama etc. Steer clear of joining clique’y activities where kids have likely been together for a decade already and formed groups such as horse riding and dancing.

I’d move her if she’s interested in trying that option, given that you say it would be easy enough in Ireland.

She may continue to struggle socially, but equally it may be an improvement. I can’t see any valid reason to continue at her current school if it’s not a positive environment for her?

Does she do any clubs?

Can she join a team sport like netball or football either in school or out of school.

I'm based in England so I don't know what you have locally but other clubs like Explorer Scout or Cadets are great for weekend activities and forming friendships. She might find some of the kids at these activities also go to her school.

It might be out of her comfort zone but she could try some options to see how it goes.

I never thought I'd say it as it sounds so sexist but teenage girls are so cliquey and if you're not in you know you're not in. Not helpful just commiserating.

Build her confidence. Find a joint activity you both enjoy which has other YPs. Do a year of classes with her, then see how she's getting on in terms of friends.

thanks everyone for your lovely helpful comments. I will definitely try to get her into more activities. We have discussed that this is a phrase, and that life will get easier. Shes the kindest sweetest girl ever, i just wished her peers could see it.

I really feel for you OP.

My experience with DD may not be relevant but I want to share it just in case.

Although she was never quite as isolated as yours, for a long time she did only have one friend, which made her quite vulnerable (when this girl was off sick/fell out with her she had nobody). Also the girl turned out to be somewhat controlling and unpleasant.

What seemed like the worst thing at the time to DD (and me if I am honest!) happened, and this girl totally ditched her without warning.

But actually, it has been the BEST thing it turns out. Because my amazing daughter was previously very much pretending to be someone she wasn't. Interested in dresses, makeup, skincare, Taylor Swift. Not that there is the remotest problem with any of these things, but my daughter just happens not to like any of that.

She never chooses to wear a dress - she likes jeans and hoodies and HMV band t-shirts and at a recent formal occasion looked amazing in a trouser suit with waistcoat and satin blouse....
She likes rock music and anime
She's gay! Or bi, I don't think she is sure yet. Either way she definitely likes girls.
(I just want to add here that she does not think she is a boy. She is a girl who likes other girls, and wearing trousers!)

Somehow, she found the strength to start being herself at school as well as at home, and now has a fantastic group of friends, boys and girls, and a total mix (some are "girly girls" for want of a better phrase, some are a bit quirkier.) What they all have in common is that they are non-judgmental and seem to accept and love my DD for the amazing, courageous individual she is! She is now invited out to all kinds of social occasions - parties, shopping, bowling, ice-skating. With individuals and in groups. She told me recently in wonder that someone in her class described her as "one of the popular ones" recently.....

I KNOW she is lucky to have found her tribe, and not everyone gets so lucky. Schools can be savage places.

But I just wanted to share her happy story in case anyone reading has a DD who is struggling currently because she is, understandabjy, afraid to be herself....

thank you - so happy for your daughter, everyone deserves to be themselves x

Definitely move if you can. Don’t set it up as this will solve all your problems/ or you can be friends with these other people you know but definitely give her a fresh start and fresh shot at making friends.

I moved in secondary and again for 6th form and went from miserable and lonely to finding my best friends for life.
Another dear friend stayed lonely until uni but now has an amazing group of friends a great career.

Id also consider other local activities and groups to give her more chance to meet people.