Struggling parent of teens

[MumOfTeens6789012]

I am married with 2 teenagers aged 14 & 13. I gave up my full-time job to bring up the kids and spent lots of quality time with them when they were younger. I have lovely memories of this time together. But my life has changed so much now that they are teenagers and I feel completely lost. I wasn’t expecting it to come to such an abrupt end, especially not at 14 & 13.

My 14 year old DS is constantly out with friends and his girlfriend - he rarely comes home straight from school and tends to come home early evening. He eats dinner then up to his bedroom to chat and game with friends. Weekends are spent with friends. It feels like he is rarely home and when he is, it’s just to be fed and sleep. It feels like he only needs me for lifts, cash and cooking.

We have clashed in the past because I feel he is just take-taking all the time and this has backfired on me - I am an emotional person and can’t hide my upset. My DS is very grown up for his age and remains calm, he can’t understand my point of view. My DH is far less emotional and believes that as long as our kids are doing well in school then this is all we should hope for. DH is happy to do everything for them for nothing in return - not even a basic chore like the recycling or loading the dish washer - whereas I ask for these chores to be done - so it is easier for them to ask DH for things as nothing is expected in return.

There is an imbalance in our parenting styles - I feel I am definitely “Bad Cop”. I expect more - more time doing homework, more time helping out around the house, more time doing things as a family. I need to point out that both are doing well at school and do their homework without being asked but sometimes it is rushed.

I feel that it’s time to break away a little bit and not be so emotionally invested as it’s me getting hurt. Do I just need to get myself a hobby and distance myself a little bit? I just wasn’t expecting the independence to start so soon.

You do sound too enmeshed in them, too invested. It sounds like you've done a brilliant job bringing up kids who are secure, happy and quite dilagent about their school work. But it's right that they start to separate from you now. It's good that they feel confident enough to do this in what sounds like a normal and respectful way. The only thing in your post that I think you should continue to push is a degree of household responsibility, chores etc. But just a reasonable amount, without what feels like it might be a guilt trip. Something about how you write makes the relationship seem transactional in term of expectations for your kids, which won't lead anywhere good. If feels like you resent them not 'paying for' your mothering/housewifery with their time/attention /love(?) so then you then want them to pay with their labour in the form of chores. It's a bit muddled. And from experience, the quickest way to get teens to resent spending time with you is to insist on spending time 'as a family'. Let them go while they still belive you have the power to hold on to them. They'll have a better relationship with you.

Your post is entirely about you. Your kids sound fine. You don't. You're loosing your identity as 'full time mum' and it's not fair to hold your kids back to cling to it. What do you want for the next 50 years? Go and find what makes you happy - hobbies, jobs, retraining, volunteering. Find a new type of relationship with your kids, less active mothering, more mentor/confidant/cheer leader

OP, you want your DC involved and engaged in family life and you are not wrong. Before he disengages with you he has education, exams and a career path to navigate.

Family life teaches and instils values, which is not the job of friends and girlfriends.

Freedom comes to young people, it is inevitable, but 13/14 is to young. There is so much to be learnt in the home and that is what you want for your DC. You are right, they grow up so fast. Hold your ground, they are not ready for the freedom they think they are entitled to at this young age.

Sounds like you need a job tbh. Being a full time SAHM was always going to become less intense when they went to school and then when they became teens. In just four and five years they’ll be off… being a housewife with no kids around may not work for you.

Also, I hate to say it, but it feels like you’re emotional because you think they owe you for dedicating your life to them. But they didn’t ask you to do that and would probably prefer you had your own things going on in life. I know that at their age I found my SAHM being home constantly a bit smothering. All my mates got an hour or two home
alone before their parents returned from work and I was jealous of that as a moody, selfish teen (as most are).

Well you are not being unreasonable in being disappointed. SAHM is a thankless job and come with unconditional support and love. It gets much worse so brace yourself. Time to start thinking of yourself more as the more you try the worse they get. Ignore and choose your battles wisely.

Have a read online about the brain changes in teenagers and how it effects their development; up till 3am then can’t get out of bed, not seeming to listen, making peers the priority etc. it’s an interesting thing and may stop you beating yourself up and wasting energy. They have a heck of a lot of hormonal changes but they’re still kids and still need you…but on their terms until their 20s. 💐

Op I really hear you when you say you didn't expect them to stop the conection so abruptly - I was just saying these words myself yesterday! I think as a parent I knew that 'one day' they would be off and not need me - but the abruptness with which it happened - the sudden switch from grinning 10 or 11 year old happy to accompany me anywhere and up for anything - to a sullen teen who even when in a good mood has NO INTEREST in me and what Im doing - it really is like suddenly being submerged into a new world.

time suddenly changes, the past and the kids who were so enthusiastic about family life are gone

there seem to be different issues here- firslty _ YES you need your own life, absolutely - it's healthy and important your teens don't need you around now.

but the chores and SOME family time are important - your H is going for an easy life but that isn't fair.

yes im feeling this too. i was also a sahm who devoted my life to my kids.
Now as teens they dont want to know me. it hurts like hell.
really wish us mums were more prepared for this.
im trying to make my own life but am struggling with guilt I feel over that as still feel I need to be there at home for them incase they need me.

My DM used to say 'love them - and leave them alone'. Having said that, some level of responsibility in the house is a non-negotiable for me. You aren't a house servant, and you do them a disservice when you don't prepare them to take care of themselves.

You've obviously done a fantastic job; they're doing well in school, sound like they're managing homework & are accomplished socially. This is just the next phase - and they do grow out of it, I promise. DD and I have an annual get-together in London, just the 2 of us, and text pretty much every day. DS is at Uni but when he is home we curl up and watch TV, he cooks, cleans and does his own laundry.

I'd have a proper sit down with DH and talk about this phase - getting them ready for leaving home, what chores can be passed to them. Try to avoid tasks that will cause conflict - doing their own laundry, for example, as the consequences only affect them. Teaching them how to cook basic meals can be something you do together and pitch it as a life lesson. Get on the same page with him so they can't exploit differences between you.

And reframe the loss of the 'child' phase as an opportunity for yourself. Get a hobby, pursue something you've always wanted to try - model boundary-setting for them and suggest some exploration of the joys of public transport!

You are annoyed your son has his social life and recreation sorted and is Calm!
Far out.
Imagine... must be heaven compared to door slamming angry ones I know.

These are turbulent years, but it is part of growing up and detaching so they can have their own lives. I got myself a little dog who is so affectionate and is always happy to see me, that has helped with the heartache.