Daughter repeatedly dumped by BF

[Itsallsonew]

Hi All, my 15 year old daughter has boyfriend who is about a year and a half older than her. She has been seeing him on and off since early last year. He has broken up with her twice and has now done it again and now says it wasn't meant as a break up.. just a break. She is besotted with him and I think he is treating her like a doormat and frankly don't want her having anything to do with him. She says she loves him. I have said I am not facilitating her seeing him, she has indicated she will see him regardless of what I say. Now obviously I can suspend pocket money, stop her mobile access etc but I really don't want to ruin our relationship. I have said he can come to us because I am making a gamble that he won't .. but I just am a bit at the end of my tether as it's GCSE time and this is a distraction she does not need but I don't want her to stop talking to me .. or lying about where she is.

I'll probably get slaughtered for this, but could you suggest she writes everything about her relationship into ChatGpt? It can point out things that she wouldn't want you to suggest and it would be there in the future for her to look back on.

My daughter wouldn't let me say anything about her boyfriend except that he was madly in love with her, where in fact he treated her really badly. I think she would have been helped by writing it all down, every bit of it, and get a summary of the relationship that way.

I told my daughter that the problem with having a shitty on/off bf is that no one of the good, loyal, honesty and lovely young men will think about dating you, so you miss out on what you really want, for what you want now.

Now obviously I can suspend pocket money, stop her mobile access etc but I really don't want to ruin our relationship.

She's living the consequences of having shit taste. Why would you pile more on?

Instead, be calm, be kind, listen, don't say 'I told you so', encourage self-esteem in other areas. And in your time with her, subtly change the culture. watch films with fun, single female leads, do interesting things, and do them yourself.

Seriously, the ChatGPT suggestion is a good one. Writing out what’s happened can be helpful in itself. Seeing how the obviously neutral ChatGPT responds might also help nudge her into a realisation. She knows that he is no good at some level, just can’t admit it to herself. Hope she finds what she needs.

Yes, that's why I suggested ChatGPT. Just writing it all down can make you realise what's going on, but having an answer from a neutral body can be much more effective than an answer from a friend or your mum.

Thank you it's a great idea, and I will try but chances are she will refuse or write it in a way that AI gives the answer she wants.. but worth a go thank you.

I love this idea and am currently planning a few days away to Milan after the exams for just us. I am trying to get her interested and involved in the planning.

So is the consensus I take her to his and let it run its course .. I just wonder how many times he will trample on her feelings.

I don't know that you need to actually take her round to visit him. I think saying he can come round is an acceptable compromise.

My only suggestion is to ensure she is on birth control. Preferably something foolproof like the contraceptive implant (implanon/nexplanon) rather than the pill.

Thank you we have that covered :)

It’s a really good idea. One I’m going to use when needed, especially with one of my 17 yo dd’s friends, who is struggling to separate from a really dubious guy, this is the second one and he’s more toxic than the first.

Could you suggest doing it together or brainstorming what sort of questions your dd could ask?

Also look up Socratic questioning. It’s a therapeutic technique designed to challenge people’s thought process. So a questions like. ‘what would you say to (x best friend) if this were happening to her?’. There’s loads of info online and these are a few examples: https://study.sagepub.com/node/38391/student-resources/further-reading-and-case-studies/chapter-18-the-evolving-world-of-0

Yes, good idea. Sort of, ‘Another time dear. You could ask him to come here.’ Then each time she asks just suggest he comes over. Hopefully he won’t.

As exams approach, you can perhaps become a bit stricter about what your dd is doing, especially in the week. Does she have mocks soon?

I had a hideous, abusive nasty boyfriend aged 16. My parents rightly hated him. They constantly were on at me to dump him, which had the opposite effect. I felt I couldn’t make my own decision with them always nagging me, so ironically the relationship lasted longer.

So hands off basically, although I get how frustrating it’s is. The most I’d do is ask open questions about it all, so she has to listen to herself trying herself in knots trying to excuse what a knob he is.

If it makes you feel better it did make me absolutely fussy as hell for future relationships once I did get rid. My ex showed me what I didn’t want again.

This is such a tricky bit of parenting. Navigating teen relationships. I’ve also got a teen DD and it’s really tough not to give advice and get involved when you can see they are being trampled on. I actually turned to ChatGPT for advice. It essentially said it’s a hard lesson for them to learn. But they need to learn it. To stay neutral, not make comments (as they’ll defend the boy more) and to just bolster her up as a person so she has a steady place to land. I find it so tricky not to give advice. But I’ve had to bite my tongue a lot. But I’ve thought as long as my DD is safe, it’s good for her to learn what low effort in our case feels like. Hang in there, be there for her and quietly bolster her confidence.

ChatGPT is a good suggestion. My DD was in a relationship that was going through the falling apart phase, and evidently wasn’t as great as she thought. She wrote it all out, over a few days, not necessarily as questions more of a this happened, that happened in a sort of vague condensed diary of the relationship and asked for suggestions. She said it became clear over what turned into a few weeks of ‘talking’ to Chatgtp that there was a lot wrong and she decided to end it. The advantage as PPs have said is that it’s neutral, and crucially with something like this on what became a long running thread ‘remembers’ the details using all the information as a whole. DD said she used it like therapy and found it helpful (as has been said previously) just to get it all written down.

I actually dont think this is terrible.

I also think "what would you say to a friend" is a good strategy.

Hard as it is going in hard and getting cross wont help.
It encourages the bullshit "fight for this love" and overcoming bullshit girls are taught.

What a brilliant idea!

I had a boyfriend like this as a teenager. He wasn’t a bad person but he was very young and was constantly letting me down, then breaking up with me then we’d get back together - because we did genuinely love each other but he also wanted to go out with his friends etc - I probably was a bit needy tbh.

i’m not sure anyone could have stopped that from happening. We ended up being together on and off for 4 or 5 years depending how you count it.

I regret it in some ways. I didn’t so much as kiss a boy the whole time I was at Uni because I was either with him or pining after him. I regret not being open to more experiences.

i think I was very loving and keen to be “in love” and too willing to live through the drama of broken heart etc. I’m not explaining it well.

I spent some time with him (not romantically) a few years ago and he was remembering our relationship fondly. I said to him “do you realise I cried every single day we were together”? He was horrified and genuinely sorry. I think what made it more complex was that he was basically a nice person, we had a very strong connection and we did really love each other. If we hadn’t it would have been easier to leave.

It was really hard for my Mum to watch I know. so what could have helped? I’d say avoid conflict about it - if won’t help. Build up her confidence, love her (as you clearly do) and make her feel confident in her own decisions. The only thing you can do is foster her own ability to stand up for herself and draw boundaries.

fwiw I’m fine!!! In my 40s now and with someone very different with 2 kids and a happy family. I’m very emotionally stable and a happy person overall. So hopefully this doesn’t mean that she won’t have a good future relationship but maybe she just needs to go through it to learn the lessons as I did.

Personally I would sit and have a long chat with her over a cup of tea.

You can use the time to understand exactly what it is about him that she likes so much to put up with such bad behaviour? Not as a defence of him, mind you. To get a understanding of where your daughter's mind and heart are.

In my experience it's almost impossible to exert control over this sort of situation as you've suggested without it turning sour rapidly.

My early 20s dd just went through a break up, and she said that ChatGPT was so useful for her. To b honest I didn't even think of this as an option forward, but it seems a great tool for this situation.

The responses come back in a sympathetic tone as well, and kind of on the same wavelength of the age of the person asking.

I think getting away for the trip is a great idea.

I don't however, think I would be going as far as dropping her off to see him. He has treated her badly, and I really think this is sending the wrong message in a way. If he wants to see her, he needs to make the arrangements and the effort. This will be very telling as to what happens.

We were in a similar situation a few years ago. It is hard. I found just being her friend, open to any discussion and NOT being judgmental about him or the situation, was the best way. I took 3 months for her to see, but eventually she ended it for good. It was the longest 3 months ever for me, but we did come out the other side thank goodness.

Well quite. Why are you punishing her? She needs quiet solid adult support and advice, and help to navigate the minefield of first love.

Mocks are done. So it's full exams soon, so I don't want her upset.

I am not punishing her .. I was just saying if I don't want her to use money as a route to get to him by using public transport it was an option. I have not don't this and don't intend to which is why I have said he can come to us. She has told me she will ignore any advice she is given and has already. So really I am just standing by to pick her up when she needs me. I just don't like seeing her being repeatedly hurt and made to feel it's her fault. I don't like how he has lights her that she is clingy or nagging. I have said all the normal things, that someone who loves you would not treat you this way, but she says I don't understand. I offer cuddles when she is sad and take her out to cheer her up but she says she loves him and won't stop seeing him regardless of what I, her friends or other people say.

I think he has his own problems emotionally, also she will not give in to pressure of taking things further. She is still seeing friends but has wuite a limited social battery so tends to chat with them on the phone more then see them.
I had a bad marriage to her dad, and unfortunately it took me a lot of time to get the strength to leave. I wonder if this is learned behaviour. However I now have a partner who treats me wonderfully and she sees her brother and his GFs relationship which is really lovely, so I am hoping she sees the positives. It's very difficult, she asked me to lie to my partner when they last split which was hard because I didn't want to let her down but we don't hide things or lie in our relationship which I explained to her. He is protective and doesn't like the boy or how he treats her.