Is this normal levels of teenage selfishness?

[Holdinguphalfthesky]

It was my birthday recently. My daughter was staying at her dad’s because something else was going on which meant his was a better location for her. I was fine with that, it hasn’t really been mentioned. But, she didn’t remember to wish me happy birthday until I reminded her (nicely).

She has asked for a lift home later (it will be the first time I’ve seen her since the birthday) without reference to ‘hope you had a nice day’
or anything like that.

She has also refused to engage with any suggestions I have made about an activity to do together to mark both our birthdays (hers is coming up and we usually spend a day between them doing something nice together), nor made a single suggestion or request of her own. Trying to arrange this means she has had reminders that it was my birthday, plus it was on the calendar, and her dad usually remembers as well. For context, he had a serious illness some years ago and last week told her that he had feared a relapse- he is fine, been checked out and given the all-clear, but equally she didn’t appear that bothered about him.

It feels as if she is seeing me purely in terms of what I can do for her, and that is quite sad. We have always been close and enjoyed each other’s company. I was also surprised at how blasé she seemed about her dad.

She’s going to be 15 next month. Is this just how this stage is?

I would say, with DDs nearly 16 and nearly 14 that yes, it doesn't sound unusual. Any level of recognition of me as an actual person seems to come and go 😂

Yes, there’s definitely an element of selfishness around that age. I think they’re just so absorbed with school, exams, friends, relationships etc that everyone else kind of fades into the background.

It doesn’t sound like the two of you are very close?

Yes, certainly mine were like this.

We have always got on really well and enjoyed spending time together, and she has shared worries and problems with me before now. That’s partly why I’m finding it quite hurtful- if it’s normal I will find it easier to get over myself!

What happened at Christmas, mother’s day and your last birthday?

She spent Christmas at her dad’s this year but gave me a nice gift, Mother’s Day I had a card and a present and I think last birthday as well.

So see this as a one off from a busy teen who was at her dad’s at the time and don’t give it any further thought

I am sorry your dd doesn’t want to do anything. I would rephrase it as perhaps she doesn’t want to do anything to mark her birthday. However, you would like to do something to mark yours. And suggest a couple of activities and dates. Then ask her what she thinks.

Are you 100% sure your dd is really blasé about your ex and his illness? My dd appeared like that when I had a second major surgery and was darn right mean by the third. It was anxiety based. A fear of losing me. Maybe, maybe not. Just something to consider.

I also don’t get why he told her he might be in relapse. Surely you get checked out first.

It’s not that unusual but I would still gently call it out if mine were selfish, doesn’t hurt to remind them that I do have expectations of them and that I am a person who does a lot for them.

they’re older now and much better…

Normal. I play a game of keeping quiet and seeing how long it takes my dc 11 and 15 to realise . Usually they remember because DH does something so in your case if you don't remind her she won't do anything.

For context, he had a serious illness some years ago and last week told her that he had feared a relapse- he is fine, been checked out and given the all-clear, but equally she didn’t appear that bothered about him.

This may be part of it. She must have been a child when he was ill, and it probably hit her quite hard, emotionally, at the time. Hearing about a possible relapse will have brought back some of that old anxiety and fear. She might have withdrawn into herself a bit, while trying to keep up the facade of seeming fine. And that effort can make people pretty self-absorbed, on top of the normal teenage self-centredness.

Sounds normal. The teen years are very selfish years - it is part of separating from parents and launching into the world. Necessary but not always easy.

Normal.
Dont take it personally.
With any luck in a few years you'll get a new more equal relationship as 2 adults who chose to spend time together.

I take a sledgehammer approach. If my kids act selfishly, I tell them. In your case I would ask where my card and present were.

Sadly I also fine this “normal” with my dd15. I almost prefer it when she “hates” me - the apathy is even more hurtful in many ways. I think it is something they grow out of. I hope so!

Mine's never forgotten, but I tend to tease him for the two weeks before ... "oooh, what are you getting me for my birthday?" or "I haven't seen any parcels arriving, you haven't forgotten have you?"

Also, his is shortly after mine so there's probably an element of thinking I might retaliate.

Perhaps tease her by not acknowledging her birthday for a few hours, and then when she says something, point out that you thought the family wasn't bothering this year, because she hadn't.

I think you need to look at this from your daughter's perspective.
Her dad's been seriously unwell. She obviously loves him to bits and wants to spend as much time with him as possible as she fears losing him due to his ill health.
If she has been close with you in the past and this has only recently changed, then it is clear she is going through something.
You write about your frustration of her not wishing you happy birthday on your day, and at her not asking you how your day went, days after the event.
You say she won't engage with you trying to organise a joint birthday day out for you both, which previously you have always done in the past. Has none of this caused you to stop and ask her if she is ok? This would cause me such a degree of concern of this were my daughter. I wouldn't be able to sleep as I'd feel sick knowing something must be upsetting her.
If she says it's nothing, then you know atleast you've asked her. But I'd be making sure she knows you are there for her for warmth, love, down time or anything at all if she needs it.
She's fifteen. She sounds scared.

Thanks all. I do agree that her dad having been unwell may be part of this, and is partly why I haven’t been sure how (or whether) to raise the birthday thing with her. I haven’t been ‘off’ or anything other than as loving and supportive as I can be- I always tell her I love her, I ask how she’s doing, I enquire as much as I can about her life and sometimes she talks to me and sometimes she doesn’t (and sometimes I get monosyllabic grunts or stroppy eye rolling) and I’m around for cuddles if they’re wanted. I don’t feel able to question her more, and beyond telling her that I appreciate her company, that I love and respect her, and that I support her activities and choices, I’m not sure how else to be or what else to do. Maybe I’m too much on eggshells and should be a bit blunter? But then if she is worried about her dad, that would be insensitive.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. In my (limited) experience, 13-15 is a hard age!

Maybe, with all the kindness and understanding you show her ( I am not being sarcastic here!) you have stopped being a person i your own right in her eyes... just an extension of herself.
So maybe, just maybe, you need to inconvenience her occasionally, by saying no, by being too busy to attend her immediately, to ask her to do something for you so you don't have to. No, she can't get a lift, cos it doesn't suit your plans. No, she will have to wait til you finish doing something else. No, she will have to hoover the living room, as you don't have time because yiu are painting your nails...
Expand her realisation, you love her, support her, but she is not the centre of the universe.
Life lessons.

So the birthday she will have will be her 16th?

My DD is 15, and is putting all her eggs in the basket of the golden 16th (many months away still). She is also much more connected to her friends' birthdays, what they will do together, and so on, even if (especially if) the plans are close to one of her family's, and could conflict.

It does sound like a fairly age-appropriate reaction. As well as this, I've been seeing more often that DD will put me on the spot about activities in general, whether planning for something like the 2 of you would do, or saying 'I did put that permission slip in for the theatre trip on Wednesday' (when all previous signs appeared that this was not something she was keen on). So, in cynical terms, planning from her point of view for some things is a lot more last-minute, and maybe priority 2, than for others. These moments also often happen while she's off out the door, or supposed to be going to bed, too. However, if there is a medium ground to reach, things you do together can still be enjoyable in the moment.

So the birthday she will have will be her 16th?
Apologies - just read properly and it's the 15th. But about 2 or 3 months in, this is when I really started to see patterns such as the above.

Thanks everyone. I got a nice card and some thoughtful treats, and the message in the card made me think she’s been reading this thread 👀😅

Service as usual afterwards, but I think you have all said very wise and sensible things which I appreciate! Interesting point @Bonbon21 , my own parents were kind and generous but never seemed terribly interested in me- their primary relationship was always with each other (I don’t say that critically) and with the family unit, so I don’t remember much 1:1 time with eaither parent, it was pretty rare. As I’m not with her dad, our unit is of 2 and sometimes of 3 with my partner, and then she has her dad and his partner and partner’s family, but she has had our 1:1 attention most of her life. So perhaps that is also something to consider.

thank you all