16 year old DD making our lives an utter misery

[blueberrymojito]

We are at our wits end with our DD16. This has been going on for a few years now and I’m starting to feel like a shell of my former self. She is rude, entitled, immature, her behaviour in school is frankly embarrassing, and she is absolutely vile at home towards us and her 5 year old sister, swearing, throwing things etc over seemingly trivial things. I’ve been called a stupid bitch, DH has been called a fucking prick in the past. Shows little remorse. She’s diagnosed ADHD yet refuses to take her meds even though school say she is a wonderful student when she takes them, and we’ve praised her so much when she’s done well, treated her etc.

She is making our lives an utter misery and I can’t see an end to this. We’ve tried the gentle approach, bonding time and trips out together, support and encouragement, positive praise etc. We’ve tried the tough love approach, taking her phone, grounding her, absolutely nothing works. I’ve tried showing emotion so she can see I’m hurt and I’ve also tried the hiding any emotion incase she gets some sort of satisfaction from hurting us. When I’ve cried she’s mocked me for being upset, and if I say nothing that seems to wind her up more. She’s in year 11 so it’s a tough year anyway but this has been going on since year 8/9 so it’s not new behaviour. Apart from this behaviour and her ADHD, she has friends, a very supportive family, she’s academically very able, she’s not out vaping, drinking etc. We’re at our wits end. Any words of support would be greatly appreciated.

Oh mate, I'm sorry. I don't have anything much to say other than it sounds awful and teenagers ARE awful sometimes but the ADHD won't be helping. Personally when mine swore at me I just said they wouldn't do that to their teachers so that means I know they love me and feel safe with me etc, partly to break the tension and begin a gentle wind up and move to reconciliation but mine didn't have the extra SN stuff going on. I hope someone can give you some better advice - do remember that there is also a board for parents of kids with SN if you think you might need more specialised understanding.

Sounds really like you could do with seeing a psychologist. There are great ones out there that specialise in supporting families of neurodiverse children. They don’t even have to see the child but they arm you with ways to cope. If she has ADHD it’s likely she might have other neurodivergence and she can’t emotionally regulate. Not an excuse and they still need boundaries and rules - just very hard to implement them! It will get better as she grows up I’m sure but I would really recommend getting some professional support to help you tackle it. Good luck!

Who does she socialise with? How she relates to friends? If she's able to control her behaviour in school - are they aware of how she is at home?

I'd think of getting some support for yourself, to focus on claryfying your family boundaries, and balancing your needs with hers. I understand SEN is in the mix but neurodivergence does not exclude behavioural isses.

We lived this with our oldest DD and it does genuinely feel you are stuck in an abusive relationship that you cannot walk away from. Our DD went to Uni and has taken 4 years to complete a 3 year course but was honestly a different person once not living with us. She phones all the time and tells us what great parents were were and how sorry she is for what a difficult teenager she was. She still finds life a struggle daily and has not really found any medication that stops her feeling exhausted all the time but we are really proud of what she has achieved despite the ADHD/ Exhaustion/ low mood.
One thing I would say is just check in regularly with any other children you have and make sure they feel safe and heard as our young adult children reflect that life somewhat revolved around our oldest and what mood she was in, and the other 2 sometimes felt scared and a bit overlooked.

Thank you very much for the responses. @vdbfamilyyou have hit the nail on the head there, it really is like being in an abusive relationship you can’t walk away from. It’s reassuring to hear things worked out for your DD as she got older. The impact this may have had on our five year old is a huge worry for me and whilst we try and shield her from it ultimately much of our time revolves around managing her sisters behaviours and the fall out from whatever has happened that day.

@YellowFluffyBunnyher friends are generally ok. She’s not in with a bad crowd particularly, albeit they’re more in the silly side. DD isn’t able to control her behaviour in school when she’s not taken her meds. She can’t remain seated in class, runs down the corridors at break times and generally annoys teachers and is silly/immature. When she’s taken her ADHD meds teachers say she’s a model pupil, cracks on with her work and is generally delightful. Which is why it’s so incredibly frustrating that she refuses to take her medication. I’ve tried to unpick why and she says the meds make her “boring”.

As some of you have said I think seeing an ADHD counsellor/family therapist may be the next thing for us. We’ve tried to engage her in conversations at home and she’s not prepared to listen to the impact her behaviours have on herself and the rest of the family, and she blows up like a bottle of pop, becoming verbally aggressive and hurtful, so perhaps someone impartial would help. Also if there is anything at all I can do differently to support her I’m open to doing anything I can to improve things for us all.