Any advice appreciated

[lorraineduk]

Hi everyone. I’m posting because I’m really struggling and could use support from other parents who understand how painful this can be.
My teenage daughter has been away from home for a few months now. There hasn’t been one big blow-up — more a gradual breakdown in communication and connection. I love her deeply and I’ve been trying very hard to stay calm, respectful and open, but it feels incredibly one-sided and emotionally draining.
What’s been especially hard is the feeling of being ganged up on. It feels like my daughter has pulled certain people into the situation, and suddenly I’m the problem in everyone’s eyes — even though they don’t know the full picture. That sense of being judged, isolated, and talked about rather than spoken to has been incredibly upsetting.
All I’ve ever done is love my daughter and give her the best of everything I could — stability, care, time, and support. So when things end up like this, it’s heartbreaking and honestly hard to comprehend. Some days I feel hopeful, other days completely exhausted and emotionally worn down.
I’m not here to bash my daughter. I know teenagers pull away, assert independence, and see situations very differently. I just don’t know how to cope with the grief, worry, and loneliness that comes with this — or how to hold steady when it feels like others have formed opinions without understanding what’s really going on.
If you’ve been through a time where your teen distanced themselves or involved others in family conflict, I’d really appreciate hearing how you coped and whether things eventually improved. Even knowing I’m not alone would help.
Thank you for reading — it means a lot.

It's all a bit too vague to have any thoughts about, what do you mean she's been away for months?

Do you have any contact with her/what have you done to restore the relationship?

I’m really sorry OP as that sounds utterly miserable. Losing day-to-day contact with your own child is a special kind of grief, even when you intellectually know teens pull away and relationships can wobble.

One thing I’d gently say (and I mean gently) is that when a teenager has “pulled other people in”, it’s usually because they feel safer talking to someone else than to the parent in the middle of it. That doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something terrible AT ALL but it can mean there’s a version of events they’re experiencing that you may not fully see yet. That’s hard to swallow when you feel you’ve recognised given them everything, I know.

If you can, try not to get drawn into rebutting the narrative with third parties as it rarely helps and often entrenches positions. Keeping your side calm and dignified tends to stand the test of time better.

In terms of coping, a few people I know who’ve been through this (and frankly a much worse situation than yours and they came back from it) found it helped to keep the door visibly open (occasional low-pressure messages, no emotional unloading at them), focus hard on their own support network and routines so the situation didn’t consume every waking thought and accept that rebuilding trust and connection often happens slowly and unevenly, not via one big conversation or apology. Are you able to involve a neutral third party or go for family therapy even?

It’s also OK to acknowledge that you’re grieving the relationship you thought you had and the future you imagined. That’s real loss, even if the child is still alive and well.

You’re definitely not alone and you'll see there are quite a few threads on here from parents in very similar situations, and many do improve over time, especially as teens mature and gain perspective. It’s just a painfully slow process when you’re living inside it.

Be kind to yourself. This stuff is emotionally exhausting.

How old is she, and what were the 'blow-ups' about?

Very judgy. As the post said there was no major blowout. She left for a sleep over with a mate and that was it.

What have I done???????????? I have contacted her boyfriend. I have messaged her daily to say how much I love her. I have called the police and social services................ not interested shes 17. I have contacted the Mother where she is staying, she is more scared of the husband

I'm sorry, you sound anxious and frightened for your daughter.

So she went for a sleepover at a friends several months ago and hasn’t come home?! Has she been back to collect stuff? Is she at school or college still? Seventeen year olds don’t just leave home for no reason. Most have it pretty cushy at home and aren’t in a hurry to leave!

Not judgey, I don't understand where you got that from, or the row of questions marks, I was asking as the original post was vague 🤷

Well what actually happened. Did she let you know she wasn't coming home? Is she staying in the friend's family home? Did friends parents ever contact you?

It sounds like she's moved in with her boyfriend? At 17 there's very little you can do, particularly if the boyfriends parents are happy to have her there .