Selfharm should I mention something!

[Raisingteensincurrentage]

DD15 had an issue with self harm 6 months ago; she was very unhappy in her school at the time and was feeling down. I spotted itquickly, we had chats, starting spending more time with her, etc. She got over it very quickly, saw a psychiatrist who said she didn’t need psychiatric maybe some therapy would be useful but we didn’t get a chance to do it. She put in the report that the risk of self harming was very low as she was in a loving supportive family, have hopes for the future, etc.

She changed schools in September and seems happy, goes out, has friends, no major complaints, etc. I just noticed a small cut a few days ago in her hand and she said it was a paper cut. I noticed another one when we were having dinner in her arm, small one; she realised I noticed and put her arm down.

I think she was a bit stressed with homework this week and said one of her teachers is very strict; I don’t think she is depressed but does it as a way to cope with stress.

We all go through ups and downs, when I am down I have a cry and go to sleep, etc. Pick myself up, etc, but self harming worries me. She takes more after me and is more emotional and sensitive but I never self harmed myself.

Should I have a chat with her? Ask her if she wants therapy? I don’t want to over stress myself as I was really stress back in June, always on the look out. Maybe some CBT would help.

She is not very academic, her current school is more relaxed but homework is increasing due to GCSEs so perhaps she is a bit stressed.

Any advice would be welcome.

Book a meeting with the DSL at her school.

Thank you. Who is the DSL? I think i will have a chat with her first.

I am trying not yo stress but I can feel my anxiety increasing already?

Is this a stage some teens go through? Or will this continue throughout her life.

Sometimes I feel I don’t have the strength to be a parent.

Just talk to her. Tell her you’ve noticed and ask her if she wants to talk about anything.

Talk to her about the therapy, it sounds like it didn’t happen last time?

Yes, I will wait for the right opportunity.

GOD please give me strength to raise my kids 🙏 not sure if menopause or SAD but I get down very easily myself. I think I also need some sort of therapy. Will go and have a cry first.

Are you having some support yourself?

Not, but thinking of starting some CBT or perhaps HRT. I tend to get quite stressed when something isn’t right with the kids; don’t seen to have much resilience these days. I also suffer from SAD and everything seems to magnify at night time.

I do exercise, meditation, got a lumina lamp, take vitamins; but I think i need some therapy or CBT myself

I just realised that she saw some friends from her previous girls school last weekend and I wonder if they have an influence on it; perhaps is a common thing in that school; as she has been fine lately.

Ex teacher

self harming can be quite common in teens especially girls. The majority of them don’t continue it into adulthood.

gcse years can be very stressful. It may be a good idea to try to talk to her about stress and coping strategies.

i also removed anything sharp from my DD’s room.
i told my dd that if she felt like self harming to come and talk to me any time of day or night. We did have a few weepy conversations at 3am after she woke me up but I preferred that to cutting.

Thank you. I am going to find the right moment to speak to her. I am not feeling very strong at the moment so will do it during the day.

I never did this or heard of anyone doing it while growing up. Got an older daughter too but she is more rational like DH while DD1 is more emotional and sensitive.

She does it with a razor I think and I do think it is probably something very common in her previous girls school and may have to do with seeing them again; teens are easily influenced.

Sorry you are going through this @Raisingteensincurrentage. One of my DC cut themselves for a short period during GCSEs. I never ever thought this would have happened and I remember how sad & helpless it made me feel. My DC stopped ,as far as I know, but I do still find myself surreptitiously looking to check their arms or worrying if they have long sleeved tops on that it’s because they are covering cuts up. It’s such an awful thing to go through.
I suspect my DC and friends were immersing themselves in content online about self harm, I know they were passing a book around which featured it, & were watching films like Girl Interrupted. So in our case (I really hope!) it was a short lived ‘phase’ the worst I’ve experienced as a parent. I really hope your DC comes out the other side soon @Raisingteensincurrentage 💐Definitely worth talking to your DD and looking into support and counselling for both of you. So horrible when you loving them isn’t enough to make them happy anymore.

Thank you. That is the thing once something like this happens it can be hard to move on; it make you nervous it will happen again and you are continuing on the look out. Cant fully relaxed.

I also think It is harder raising kids these days with all the influences of social media, etc.

In my DCs case there was definitely a circle of friends (especially one) who was self harming, I’m always relieved when DC hangs out with other friends without this tendency. Hopefully if your DC has moved schools new friends will have different ways of coping.

Two of my girls have, one much more so than the other and is a similar age to yours. It makes me feel awful to see her arms- she also did her legs but they have healed I think.
She's had help, we speak to her about it. She had been fine for ages and then a few months ago she did it again so we had to have another chat about it. She doesn't try and hide it but thankfully her grandparents and family (who must have noticed, although we live abroad and doesn't see them often) are very British and have said nothing about it.
She does seem to be doing very well now but I honestly think the long term MH impact of Covid has been awful micro generation that were 12-13 at the start.
Just support her as much as you can, make sure she talks to a professional and be open is the best advice I can give.
You're not alone, many parents are doing through the same thing and asking themselves the same questions.

Absolutely as @Youhaveyourhandsfull says you are not alone and this is not a reflection on your parenting, it’s a reflection of the time they are growing up in.

I was a prolific self harmer as a teenager - my arms and legs are still covered in scars now unfortunately. I stopped when I was 19, I just grew out of it I suppose. I feel like a right dickhead now to be honest. My best advice is to firstly have a calm conversation with her about it, what you can do to support etc. See what she says and go from there. I didnt ever tell anybody what I was doing so I absolutely wasn’t influencing any of my friends or anything like that - I’m horrified to read above that sometimes this does happen!

CBT and DBT were of some assistance - you can access that via your GP but I think for DBT it’s via a psychiatrist. But if I’m being brutally honest, there were points that absolutely nothing would have stopped me. No amount of begging from my dad, my stepmum, my boyfriend stopped me. They removed everything sharp out of my reach but I still found a way. It sounds like your daughter is pretty new to it, so I think you have to act now to nip it in the bud. Please don’t be angry with her at any point, it’s a hard habit to kick (as stupid as that sounds). Just therapy as soon as you can, and be there for her. Don’t forget to ask for help too if you need it.

I found putting ice on my skin where I cut worked as it was a short sharp pain much like cutting is. Get her to wear a bobble with one of those metal bits on her wrist and if she feels temptation she can ping the metal bit against her skin, works similar to the ice and is easier if you’re out and about etc. Let her know if she feels like cutting to come and talk to you straight away as usually the urge to cut goes away after an hour or so, so if you can distract her she’ll be okay

Self harm is a coping strategy, she needs to find a healthier way of coping with things instead. Find out what the purpose of the self harm is, the are many reasons, this may give you a better ideas of what kind of coping strategies might work.

Anxiety is often learnt, it is a disordered way of thinking and can be unlearnt. How do you cope with anxiety? Would it possible to buy a book about anxiety and work through it together. This way you can support her and hopefully learn how to cope with your anxiety as well.

Is there an Education Mental Health Practitioner at her school? They do low intensity CBT and often do interventions involving the parents as well.

Definitely talk to school OP, the DSL is the Designated Safeguarding Lead. They are likely to be aware of a number of students with similar issues. You could also talk to SENCO about her anxiety, beyond helping her right now things like doing her exams in a small room might be possible for her in the future if they're aware of her issues well in advance.

I would expect school to be extremely supportive - do they have a school counsellor she might be able to see?

This is no reflection of you as a parent OP - beyond possible genetics that no one can change! Anxiety often runs in families. I think getting yourself some therapy would be a great example to set for her.

Thank you all. Will have a chat with her tomorrow and find a therapist. I thought we were done with it 6 months ago.

I think one thing that is bizarrely not always obvious with therapists but please make sure happens with your daughter - is she needs a toolkit of healthy ways to deal with anxiety that she can use to replace the unhealthy way she is currently dealing with anxiety. It seems obvious but you’ll be surprised how many therapists don’t help their clients build these toolkits

Yes, it is tricky finding the right therapist. I had one last year for burnout but didn’t feel it helped much.

My daughter saw a therapist from Cahms about self-harming when she was 15. I think she found speaking to the therapist helpful. She was very secretive about it. She had started doing it aged about 11 during Covid lockdown.

We spoke to one of her teachers at her all-girls school who said around 50% of the girls were known to be self-harming. So it’s very common.

How sad this has become so common these days. I will speak to her, I also found a therapist, hopefully DD wants to see her.