13 year old reading porn

[Furiousfive]

My 13 year old son has always been obsessed with reading, and as he gets through so many books, a few years ago we bought him a kindle account. So we didn't have to approve every single book he read, we gave him an adult account a couple of years ago so he could choose and read to his heart's content.

We check the account sporadically and until 6 months ago there were no problems. However we found out that he had started to read some very explicit novels and we explained why these weren't appropriate and it was to stop, which he agreed. Recently I had another look and realised that the fantasy romance books he was reading that we thought were innocuous were actually 'why choose' and 'reverse harem', basically books where the woman has multiple sexual partners, very graphic and were advised for 18+ (I had to google what these terms meant as never heard of them!).

How should we deal with this? You don't hear much about written porn when it comes to teens! Obviously we'll have another talk about how these aren't appropriate for his age and that they don't represent healthy relationships, but I don't want to threaten to remove the kindle. He has ASD and reading has always been his passion and way to decompress and wind down. Is reading porn as damaging as watching it? Ironically we've never had problems with him accessing dodgy content on his phone.

The books do sound too old for him but is it any different to teenage girls reading Jackie Collins, Jill’s Cooper or 50 Shades of Grey? Maybe you could suggest alternating these books with a different genre.

Can you 'read' porn?

I do think it's natural to some extent but my concern is HOW explicit these things are now and also that it's creeping into fetish/paraphillias which could lead to sexual dysfunction if explored too early.

He’s curious. On a random scrape of her phone, my DH found my similar aged DSD had been on Chat GPT a few weeks ago asking about sexual positions. It’s easily accessible these days however he’s obviously too young for this and it needs knocking on the head. Can’t you just put him back on a children’s account?

It’s normal curiosity and I’d say likely not as damaging as viewing porn at a young age but if it were my child I’d want to know exactly what it was teaching him about relationships. I think he’s just a bit too young, but you may struggle to put the cat back in the bag now.

Fantasy romance almost always has sex scenes. It’s erotica.

They sound like explicit fantasy rather than porn. Obviously I don't know how explicit they are or whether they introduce troubling misogynistic views, which would concern me more than just a teenager reading a book with some sex in it.
Plenty of teenaged girls would have read Judy Blume (passing the paperback copy around school) and Jilly Cooper back in the 80s and 90s.
You will have to have a chat with him to understand what the books involve and if they are relatively innocuous teenage experimenting or more troubling. If he was online I suspect it would be much worse as the algorithms would push for more addictive content.

I’d rather this than graphic video porn.

I can see why it would make you uncomfortable but as far as a range of options for him to start exploring it seems pretty benign? Better than videos or graphic websites etc. I definitely remember giggling over plenty of books with my friends at that age (my parents didn’t restrict my reading either).

Basically you can take away the kindle, restrict the account or make your peace with it and personally at this stage I’d make my peace with it.

Anyone remember 'Ralph' from Judy Blume's 'Forever '?

We got caught by the head of English reading JB Forever in year 7, and passing it round the classroom... there was a big kerfuffle which made it even more exciting! Crazy memories...

The OP says this is 'very graphic' adult content, can't believe people are saying it's fine for a 13 year old!
It's pretty obvious what you have to do though OP. Put him back on a children's account and vet what he wants to read.

As someone who reads these types of books, yes it is very different. From my experience the sort of books that contain reverse harem etc are very, very graphic. Not at all like Jilly Cooper or Judy Blume.
Most have trigger warnings at the start.
Some skirt very close to the edge of non consensual sex.
Whole other ball game to Riders and Forever!!

I read a fair bit of erotica as a teenager. It started off with historical romance bodice rippers and scaled up to black lace novels over time and then back again. I’ve never been interested in actual porn.

I have read a reverse harem book, there’s lots on kindle unlimited as there’s a big American market. Tbh there’s not a vast amount of difference between the content of the early bodice rippers apart from the sex scenes being more frequent. Think Jilly Cooper with a few extra cocks.

I’d far rather books thsn anything else. Books are often a safe way to experience more extreme emotions.

Yes they are nothing like the authors mentioned! I don't mind raunchy fantasy books but these are very explicit and they shocked me. I think if posters read an exerpt they would change their minds quite quickly.

I think we'll give him one more chance to stop reading this content, and if he continues we'll restrict the account and approve books on a case by case basis. Which is a pain but might be necessary.

Can you name some of the titles?

This is true, but (as someone who has read mainly fantasy and science fiction books over the past few decades), I think that over the past 5-10 years the type of erotica has changed - it’s more explicit and has moved from fairly ‘vanilla’ sex scenes to the type of sex that the OP describes. I agree with @Cerialkiller that this can lead towards the fetish/ paraphilia issue.

@Furiousfive I personally think that written porn is not as damaging as viewing porn, and most of these types of books are sex positive and respectful towards women in a way that visual porn isn’t. If they are fairly recent books (such as Sarah J Maas etc), they are probably quite clear in content warnings about consent and upsetting events in the story (which I personally find quite irritating but can see they are useful for younger readers).

At 13 I was reading Forever by Judy Blume, and the Jean M Auel books (like many girls of my generation) so I’d be a hypocrite to say your DS shouldn’t be reading similar. However, I’d share your unease that the books are too explicit for his age. It’s quite hard to say without knowing which books you’re referring to.

Perhaps you could redirect his reading to similar books but without the explicit sex scenes - urban fantasy books of the early 2000s had many of the similar tropes of romantasy books, but are less explicit (except the Anita Blake books - the later books in particular are more porn than plot).

Some recent ones are Her Vicious Beasts series, Twisted Soul series. They have clear 18+ graphic sex warnings.

I had a look through and saw that further back there are some out and out pornographic books with titles such as gangbangs and futa? (had to google this). Will be having a chat this evening. I agree that written porn isn't as bad as watching, but he's reading so much that it could well become an addiction and warp his view of what normal healthy relationships are.

As an avid reader of fantasy novels (several series have been chosen specifically because I enjoy erotic fiction), I can confidently say that when I re-read Jilly Cooper's Riders series recently, it even made me blush at times.

So I think you might be kidding yourself there, or misremembering how graphic some of it is.

You just need to age restrict his account. Books can have inappropriate and dangerous themes just like videos.

it can’t hurt to get him to give you a quick list of the books he is reading for the week and have a quick look.

yes it’s tedious, but what’s worse an hour of research or him reading about kink and choking or some of the much darker sexualy violent stuff. A lot of the books also model quite abusive, possessive and controlling men as “perfect partners” so it’s really important to know what he reading and what can be devoting his head about relationships.

and with all things it will train his algorithm so he will keep being suggested similar type books.

i think I know what harem book you are talking about and it is highly HIGHLY graphic, violent, with abusive themes.

Ah. you may want to reconsider the adult / no permissions needed kindle account. That’s crazy!!!! He is a 13yo boy with an undeveloped brain.

We had this.
we had to limit free access to books until he was older. Especially those on an electronic device. Apple Books. Kindle. Audio books. All of it now subject to parental permissions.

He has a listening books account as well as a local library account. So downloads audio books for the Libby app from those 2 places.

otherwise he goes to the library to borrow physical books or buys them. So we can see them.

also watch out for porn hub. Free porn easily available anywhere you have an internet connection. And it is well beyond what a 13yo should have access to.

strongly recommend you and your family read some of the stuff from the nspcc on porn and access to it by children. And talk about sex and Fantasy openly as a family. Rather than hide it away.

The content of these is nothing like Jackie Collins or Judy Blume!!

Cant you restrict the content?

I have read Riders recently, and am a reader of very dark romance books and honestly its very different. The trigger warnings for one that OP mentioned include death, drugs, implied cannibalism, group sex, very graphic sex. Jilly Coopers content is very very far removed from authors like HD Carlton or Penelope Douglas.

OP, I'd restrict the account. I read theae books as a very open minded 40 something but in no way is it appropriate for age 13. I wonder if it is the fantasy element he likes, perhaps you could have some conversation about it and steer him towards more appropriate fantasy romance? My worry would be not only the graphic sexual scenes but the non consensual elements that are in many books of these types.

Enjoy your porn, @CymruChris

Potentially an unpopular opinion, but as someone who definitely was reading legitimate porn as a teenager, I'd be doubtful restricting his account would stop him from reading, it would just likely change where he's reading it to somewhere you can't find. Teenagers are sneaky, often less child-like than parents expect and incredibly creative. Closed-door policies rarely lead to abstinence, and checking phones/restricting access is unlikely to avoid explicit media in any form being consumed.

I definitely agree that the content he's reading isn't healthy for his understanding of intimacy and won't give him an appropriate expectation for how to respect others in those situations or be respected himself. I have no teenage children and can't imagine anything more mortifying than my parents trying to sit down and talk to me about 'gangbangs' even as an adult, so I can offer no suggestions on how to open that conversation up, but I do think you're in a very fortunate position of being able to talk to him about it or find solutions that influence his choices as opposed to drawing up red tape.

Maybe an uncomfortable conversation about the specific types of explicit scenes he's reading might be what's needed, along with the knowledge that you are still somewhat aware of what he's looking at (If I knew my parents could see what I was reading, it would certainly influence my decisions!). I wouldn't focus on the inherent sexual aspect of the scenes being a concern, but things which are heavily violent, misogynistic or too dark? Sexuality in and of itself shouldn't be shameful, if anything shaming it is more likely to create unhealthy associations, but reading about things far outside the scope of what would be considered a 'usual' sexual encounter is definitely a concern for how it could be shaping his views on what's acceptable, and I think that's the area that would be best addressing, however you see fit.