Attention seeking dd. I don’t know how to deal with it

[Purplecookie]

My dd 13 has always been attention seeking. So much so that a number of teachers in separate schools have pointed it out to me. In primary school it was usually ‘I hurt myself look at my knee owwwww’ and she hadn’t actually hurt herself, but she’d cry about it until she gained the attention of everyone, people would roll their eyes and walk away but she kept these things up.

now we’ve entered the teen years and I’m fed up of it all. The most recent phenomenon is to stare into space and pretend she doesn’t realise she’s doing it then say ‘oh I’m sorry I didn’t realise’ in a really annoying cutesy voice. It’s clearly fake, her eyes move to see if I’m watching.

ahh I feel like an awful mum but I snapped this morning and said if you carry that on no one is going to have time for you.

this is the third time she’s done it to me since yesterday and on the way home from school she told me a story about how at school she dazed out and didn’t realise, so she’s also doing it at school I don’t know if she has done it to teachers and I’m sure I’ll find out, but it’s just annoying me so much regardless.
am I being ridiculous?

I know there are worse things in life but it feels like it’s constant ridiculous things like this that I haven’t got time for and she’s been attention seeking for so many years I had hoped she’d grow out of it. Am I doing something wrong. Can anyone advise if it’s possible to stop this behaviour?! I make efforts to talk to her every day, include her in me and dh conversations, listen to her, spend time with her and cuddle her and tell I love her everyday so I don’t know where it’s coming from.

People who do annoying things feed off the attention it brings, just don’t say anything. She will get bored if she gets no reaction and it’s not genuine.

Given your update, I would treat her like a toddler. Ignore the bad “attention seeking “ behaviour and reward the good, occupying herself and behaving normally.

I quite like the idea of saying that the GP told you these issues might be caused by chocolate/cheese/mobile phone usage. You will need to remove the potential culprit for a month and see if that improves things.

@LiftAndCoast sorry that happened to you. I’m very sure it’s not that I just had a look but I’ll go to the doctor anyway. the thing is it’s in line with a long line of ‘fake’ ailments and she does it with everyone not just me. I’d agree she wants attention but I really truly have no idea how to give more than I already do!

@MrsTerryPratchett yes she does a number of clubs, wins her competitions regularly, we and her friends and team all say well done, and I do know to recognise her hard work and training that’s behind the wins (and when she doesn’t win as well of course!) she is top of her class at school. She has worked hard for that as she hasn’t always been there and we tell her we are proud and that we notice her hard work.

@Fbfbfvfvv after ensuring it’s nothing serious I think this is what I will do.
@MadamCholetsbonnet yes the removal of the phone has led to miraculous improvement in behaviour but it’s always so temporary!

" She is an only dc and me and dh spend every living minute doing something for her..."

Is she not used to entertaining herself? Does she have jobs to do around the house? I'd be inclined to tell her that the brain "zones out" when a person is bored and if she is bored would she like to go and clean the bathroom.

Does she do much independently? e.g. Does she get herself to school without help/go to bed without help? Does she go to friends' houses on her own e.g. not without you driving her?

Agree with this,
let’s have a detox of electronics and UPF before we make medical appointments.

It's tricky because people who perform attention seeking behaviour feed off the attention itself, good or bad. So even if you get cross that's fulfilling the craving to some extent. Best advice is usually to ignore but it sounds like she's been doing it for so long she might be find it difficult to re-learn her habits.

I'm not sure what to suggest but it does need tackling. What's a funny characteristic in a young child wears very thin in an adolescent and thinner still in an adult.

She sounds very like my daughter's best friend (12) who has always been very dramatic and shows off a lot. She was a bit much but it was kind of entertaining too. But people at secondary school are less willing to tolerate it so it's morphed into drama about "everyone being horrible to me" and lots of shouting and crying. I've encouraged my daughter to be kind as adolescence is a difficult and emotional time for many but she's struggling with whether she wants to stay best friends. I admit when friend comes to our house I feel very tense and then relieved when she goes home. I think she definitely needs a firm hand to rein in her behaviour for her own good but that's not my place. Her own parents are absolutely lovely so hope everything will work out.

You know your daughter better than anyone on here. I think you’re absolutely right not to give this behaviour any airtime, and a lack of reaction from you will ensure she gets bored of it

What about a pet? Does she have one or want one?

Every hour? What is meant by telling her if she doesn’t trust one of you she can go to the other?

It’s really off you labelled her an attention seeker at three years old. Toddlers don’t seek attention, they seek connection and they’re meant to. It’s not at all unusual for a young child to milk a scraped knee. And even if they didn’t actually hurt themselves the act of falling over is scary and they want comforting.

This sounds more like anxious attachment than attention seeking and her keep watching your face is a big clue.Telling her hourly you love her while being quietly irritated doesn’t have the effect you think it does.

Honestly just laugh at it gently and humour her. Is it really worth the battle?

Does she like the stage? Drama club/musical theatre etc - a lot of my DDs friends like that get attention/adoration that way. They are a hilarious group especially together and tire each other out.

You seem to be trying to find fault with yourself over this. Don't be too hard on yourself, she might just be innately an attention seeker. It's also okay for you to feel angered by it. Studiously ignoring it as suggested by PP sounds like a good option.

To be blunt she is this way because somewhere along the lines you have done something very wrong as parent

i know how you feel and you have my every sympathy. you are a much more strong and reasonable person than i am, i have a cousin like this, she is 14 and speaks and dresses like a mature student which seems to stem from a desire to feel superior, i'm not saying it maliciously, she genuinely looks down her nose at everyone even her mother and grandparents… she also likes to be a focal point in every situation even when her sister had a baby (to the extent of trying to pull the newborn girl out of the mother/sister's arms). i find it very difficult to tolerate and can't even be in her company for 10 minutes without having the urge to spoon out my eyes with a teaspoon much less share a house with her.

DSC was like this (still is, really.) Was diagnosed with Level 1 autism as a young adult.

Was also given lots of attention, but rather than enjoying and being satisfied with this, seems to need this at all times, from everyone. I think they may have RSD.

It’s a hard void to fill, after years of back and forth with lovebombing which made no difference, we are back to ignoring it, and moving on to a different topics

The problem with behaviour that is clearly designed to have an impact - to ‘get attention’ - is that we can feel quite punitive in response precisely because we feel like we are being played, then it’s easy to feel/and be framed as the persecutor when we call it out - ‘it’s not fair! Why are you being mean to me?’ is the likely response. I’m curious as to what your daughter is actually trying to get here, and I wonder if you could also try curiosity? She’s obviously loved and not short of your attention, so what is it she is trying to do? Would she respond to being supported to talk about what she is feeling when she ‘acts out’ rather than doing so much acting out?