School refusing/anxiety etc

[tearinmyheart]

14yr old DD is struggling and has been since the summer and it’s getting worse. Anxieties all around school, it’s a long story which I can go into more detail but don’t want to do a super long post and don’t want to drip feed but general TLDR is she’s having an ADHD assessment in a few weeks, school got her assessed by MEHS and she’s being offered CBT for 6 months which will hopefully start in February. We’ve also spoken to the doctor about anti anxiety medication. She’s refusing to go to certain classes and struggling to go to school and this is getting worse.

so far we’ve managed to get her in every day but it might not be until into the school day and we might have to get her again or she goes to student services and refuses to go to certain classes. Obviously there’s all this help incoming (she’s also in private therapy and has been for about 6-8months) but I need some help/advice/support in the day to day.

Please don’t judge, I’m as patient and tolerant and kind as possible but I’m at the end of my tether as well - it’s just very convenient that she is particularly anxious about her emotional safety around other teens in her least favourite classes - maths and PE - and she is actually reasonably motivated to do well in school so I’m trying to find a way to keep her education going (when she’s home she doesn’t exhibit any or much anxiety or depression at all) and have even suggested moving schools for a fresh start. At the moment I’m wondering if there’s a world in which we get a tutor for maths so she doesn’t go to those classes at school but also doesn’t fall behind - has anyone done this successfully or do you think it will then just lead to her opting out of more and more classes?

she has a friend who hasn’t been to school since Easter so we’ve seen first hand the really negative impact this has had on her and her family and DD talks about how bad it is for her as well so I went to do everything I can to keep DD in the world while we try to help her understand the underlying issues and learn how to navigate them.

I am having similar with my daughter. We are tackling it by considering that school is a bit like death by 1000 cuts for some neurodivergent kids. So our (mine and hers) job is to identify all the things which are in any way making things difficult and the try to eliminate as many as we can in order to get school back to a level where the stress is manageable.
So far we have done a sheet where we have looked at all the different sensory needs (challenges and strengths) and sat and chatted about how we can improve these at school. So far this has meant coloured lenses in glasses and no more pe as it was too noisy and busy.
This website has a great video for explaining about sensory needs https://www.sheffieldchildrens.nhs.uk/services/child-development-and-neurodisability/sensory-processing-difficulties/

We have also managed to agree to no detentions for missed homework (too much extra pressure for a perfectionist) for non core subjects and that she can come home early from school if she is struggling but has to go and see the school counsellor.

There is a Facebook group called something like "not fine in school" which is often recommended but I haven't really had much to do with it yet.

If there are certain classes she is struggling with then maybe she could miss them either temporarily or permanently?
I suspect that because she everything is so hard for her, those classes are slightly harder and that is enough to tip the balance from manageable to not manageable. Maybe start with asking about stopping pe and that might give her enough spare energy to manage OK in maths?

Also wanted to say that we have been doing this for a term so far and I think it is already making a difference. She seems happier, less withdrawn and is spending more time with our family and is stating to have less days off school.

I’d consider a tutor for Maths, not to take her out of class completely but the additional support might make it more manageable if she’s feeling anxious and under confident. Can she say what’s anxiety provoking in maths? If it’s other kids is there some class room management that might help? Or could she change maths class?

I’d have her sit out of PE if possible, she can do exercise that suits her, PE classes are sometimes just too noisy and unpredictable for neurodivers kids.

Thankyou - I really appreciate a quick response. To be honest maths is a bigger challenge than PE (PE just happened to follow maths this morning and I knew I’d have more success convincing her to go in for Art)

she already has a lot of dispensation for sensory/overwhelm with school so I’m not sure what else they can do. She says there are kids in maths who have teased her in the past. We’ve done a lot of talk and a lot of digging and she’s not being bullied, has just been the target a few times of low level unkindness when teens are just being dicks - you know the “popular” knobheads you don’t actually target anyone in particular just look for opportunities to get laughs out of their mates.

anyway the seating plan has been adjusted, the maths teacher is aware and is very strict in class (none of the teasing happened in class) and school are concerned that if they move her class then this will give her permission to have issues with kids in other classes and end up in the same situation.

she’s really got it into her head that “everyone” in school is out to get her and “wants her dead”. She does have friends and plenty of people she doesn’t have any kind of problem with but has escalated these fears massively in her mind about a lot of kids who frankly probably couldn’t pick her out in a line up.

Oh but she doesn’t want to move schools, or leave the house

How often is she missing school?

Every day is a struggle. She’s yet to miss an actual full day but sometimes we only manage to get her in for a lesson or two, or she’ll go in but then spend several periods sitting in student services

Hello, I am a secondary maths teacher with 10 years experience teaching and tutoring.

i have a patient approach to teaching and I have worked with pupils experiencing similar needs. Please let me know if you are in need of a tutor and I’d be happy to discuss details. Thanks, Deanna