I’m really at the end of my tether and just need to vent and maybe hear from others who’ve been through something similar.
I have a 17-year-old son and two older daughters (22 & 23). I divorced their dad four years ago after a very difficult marriage. He was a serial cheater and I carried the full load financially and practically. He stayed home running a small photography/social media business that barely covered his car payment. The breakup was awful. He wanted every penny he could get, despite moving straight in with his affair partner (now his wife). She’s the main breadwinner, he funds holidays for her and her two children.
Since the divorce, he has pushed all three of our children away and told them that if they have a relationship with me, he can’t have one with them. My eldest daughter has cut him off entirely.
My son lived with his dad for a while, but eventually begged to come back to me, saying the situation there was untenable. When he moved back, school became a nightmare. His dad refused to list me as a parent, and the school raised safeguarding concerns, saying they were worried about possible kidnapping. After that, things went downhill fast. The school wasn’t cooperative, and his stepbrother was being sent in to say really nasty things to him. I tried to move him to a local school, but there were no places available.
We eventually agreed on homeschooling, with the plan that he’d sit Maths and English exams separately. Then his mental health really deteriorated. He’s been under CAMHS, but his counsellor became ill and, six months later, he still hasn’t been reassigned to anyone.
Four months ago, he said he didn’t want to start college this September (he already missed last year’s intake) and would rather find a job instead.
Since then, things have become unbearable. He stays in his room constantly, sleeps until 4pm, then stays up all night gaming. He comes downstairs in the middle of the night for food, takes plates and food back upstairs, and his room is absolutely vile. He takes no pride in himself or his surroundings. I do make sure he gets his hair cut every six weeks (I have a very accommodating home hairdresser), but beyond that he refuses any basic self-care.
We live very rurally, and he can’t drive yet, but I’ve offered to take him places. I’ve refused to pay for driving lessons while he won’t listen to me or show any responsibility.
Last night we had a huge row about his room and his behaviour. I told him he’s nearly 18, needs to start looking for a job, and that the bare minimum is bringing his plates down, washing them (our dishwasher is broken), and keeping his room reasonably tidy. I also said I’d help him look and apply for jobs if he asked. He told me where to go and locked his bedroom door.
We do have cameras in the house, mainly because we have a dog and an elderly cat and like to keep an eye on them while I’m at work. We also sometimes leave the French doors open in good weather. There’s one camera in the lounge and one covering the kitchen/back doors, plus one down the side of the house—none in private areas. Last night he screamed at me, saying I shouldn’t have cameras in the house at all.
I completely broke and told him to go back to his dad’s. I hated myself for saying it, especially given the history of emotional and mental abuse when he lived there, but I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I feel totally lost.
When he first came back to live with me, his counsellor and other professionals told me I needed to give him time to decompress. I did. And now here we are… a complete mess.
Sorry for the long post. I just really needed to get this out.