Struggling with 19 yr old son

[Struggling999]

I have changed username for this to avoid posting on my regular username.

i am struggling with my 19 year old son who lives with me. His dad and I split up when he was 18 months old and has been present in his life and sees him regularly although lives 90 mins away. I work full time and own my own house. My older daughter is at uni in the final year of a vocational degree.

My son struggled through the GCSE years. Found it hard to revise, not interested in learning etc. and when he finished wanted to get a job as college etc. did not appeal.

He didn’t know what he wanted to do as an apprenticeship/job but managed to get a practical trade job through a family member. He is not very practical but had no idea what he wanted to do.

He is now 2.5 years in to a 4 year apprenticeship. Has struggled due to his lack of practical skills and gets very anxious when he has exams/assessments as part of his day release college. I have been supportive, trying to support him with revision techniques etc.but it is hard going. In all honesty I think he would have left before now if he wasn’t embarrassed about what the family member who got him the job would think.

At the start of 2025 his stress level increased as the course got tougher. In Nov he had two seizures overnight on consecutive days requiring an ambulance trip to A&E and a diagnosis of epilepsy. I found him both times and it was terrifying - I still get flashbacks now of how he looked.

I am convinced the anxiety and stress he feels is a seizure trigger. He can now not drive for at least a year, and is on meds twice a day. He seems to have come to terms with the diagnosis but what he is feeling underneath I do not know as he shuts down discussion.

On a selfish note, my mental health is shot - I am barely sleeping due to worrying he is going to have another seizure, I am worried about the stress he puts himself under studying for exams/an apprenticeship I don’t think he is suited to and his self esteem is at an all time low. His low mood and ‘chippiness’ also permeates the house and I just feel trapped in my own home. He has a wide circle of friends, hobbies, goes to watch his football team etc. I also have worked in mental health in a professional capacity and I don’t think it is depression - but high anxiety and worry about looking silly if he doesn’t pass an exam etc.

I know I need to step back, let him make his own decisions etc. But that is hard when stress etc. impacts his health condition as I am the only other adult at home that has to deal with the fallout of that. His dad is helpful, but he is far removed from the day to day reality of the situation.

Son has been off over Christmas as work shuts down, and I can feel the stress rising in him about going back on Monday. It is a miserable situation that I just don’t know how to navigate or escape from!

Any words of wisdom from those who have navigated the older teenage/young adult years would be appreciated!

Oh, bless you both. It must be so terrifying for you, constantly worrying about his health. And your poor son. Late teens/ early twenties are really hard for many young people - so much pressure to get things right. 19 is SO young - he has plenty of time to make long term life and career decisions. It sounds like he’s tried hard to make the apprenticeship work but the type of work just isn’t who he is. Would it be possible for him to just get a ‘job’ for a year or 2 as he stabilises his meds and matures a bit?
For context, our ds 1 got great A level results but dropped out of uni twice. He’s been working as a carer ever since and loves it ( he has a really caring personality and I imagine the old people he cares for absolutely love having him come round). For the last year or so he’s lived in a shared house and fully supported himself financially and whilst we are concerned about his long-term career prospects, we are very proud of what he does and recognise that he has plenty of years ahead of him to get qualifications in the care/medical field or have a complete change of career and use his very good academic qualifications (sciences). Ds 2 has finished uni but with little idea of a future career so is working for a well-known shop whilst he matures a bit and properly thinks about his options. To be frank, he just needs to grow up a bit and if it takes a couple of years, so be it. He too lives in a shared house and is self-financing. We shall wait and see how he goes on. Ds 3 is in his first year at uni, full of confidence and thinks he knows everything about life and the world - again, we shall see how things unfurl once the conveyor belt of education comes to an end and he has to make decisions for himself and act on them.
19 is very, very young and most people that age really don’t know what they want to do (I’m a secondary teacher and this really is very common). There’s no shame in starting something and then finding out it’s not for you. And it really isn’t the end of the world to bow out of something that you now realise is wrong for you. Better that than a lifetime of dreading going to work. Maybe he could just get a job and pay his way for now; that in itself is something to be very proud of at 19.

Thank you so much @MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress - that is such a kind and compassionate post. It bought a tear to my eye and you are so right. I also think he needs to leave and just have a ‘job’ - take a year or two to just mature and decide what he wants to do.

He just needs to make that decision himself - he has been like this since a youngster - takes a while to think things through and then when he makes a decision he just goes for it. Hope it happens soon for all of us 🤞🏼!