To what extent do you advise your teens on their romantic entanglements?

[YouBelongWithMe]

Just that, really.

My DD is 16 and we are close. We spend a decent amount of time together and enjoy each other'c company, and she talks to me about things going on in her life - socially, academically, romantically.

She is behaving/acting in ways that I don't think are sensible or aligned to her longer-term interests (or at least, as she tells them to me). It is inpacting how others interact with her.

Om some level she is aware of this. I'd already warned her of the potential ramifications of jer actions, and she's heard the consequences verbalised by someone else.

I can't decide whether or not to broach the subject and try to advise her again, or just keep my nose out and assume she'll come to me if she wants my advice.

How much do you give unsolicited advice to your teen?

What do you mean? If she is dating from her school or hobbies, how is it bothering others or interactions?

Or is she using the Internet to chat and date with strangers? My dd is quite open with me, but suspect I'm not as well I formed as I could be.

I tried to be vague but I guess the specifics might be necessary.

She has a male friend. She insists he is a friend only. They spend a lot of time together in school, texting at home, and they also do a mutual hobby (alongside the rest of their friendship group). Objectively, they act like they are in a relationship. Quite flirty, physical. I have warned her that she is sending out signals that a) aren't fair to this boy; and b) will send messages to anyone she DOES like that she's uninterested in them.

This scenario has now happened. And two of their friendship group have verbalised that they avoid spending time with the two of them alone because it's so uncomfortable.

I feel like she's sabotaging her friendship group. It is also infuriating to hear her moon after a different boy, and how he's not picking up on the fact she likes him, whilst she's behaving this way.

I think I need to stop these conversations and become less invested 🤣

I think this is just something teens all go through; how to be friends with the opposite sex and also be clear they are just friends. To be honest she might like the attention, which would be normal. Maybe she likes him more than she has said to her friends or sees qualities she likes and wants to know more about him.

I don't think you can put this all on her either. Boys are just as able to ask direct questions and find out if the person they are spending time with likes them. Girls aren't naturally more mature, we just put more pressure on them because if the boy doesn't like the response and attacks her society would blame her for "leading him on". I think it is right to discuss this with her but just about open communication to be aware of the double standards in society more than anything else.

What is uncomfortable about the two of them? That does strike me as odd that other friends find it uncomfortable

were it not for that and the fact that she likes someone else it would strike me that she likes him

I don’t.

they wouldn’t listen if I did.

teens try stuff out and mess up. There were lots of high drama break ups etc in their friend group and frankly I’m glad I wasn’t involved.

I don't . If they want my opinion they'll ask for it.
I do a general check in that all is okay at work/ school / with friends. I wouldn't push a conversation they didn't want to have or give unsolicited advice. I think that would cause problems.

I think what's hard is that she does want to talk about boys to me, and likes to chat about the boys she says she DOES like, just seems oblivious to how her circumstances are in part going to be dictated by their actions.

They are really physical I think. He picks her up, lifts her over his shoulder, they have lots of inside jokes. I don't think they behave like platonic friends. Two people have mentioned not doing their shared hobby at the same time because they feel like they are third-wheeling (including the boy she says she actually likes).

Don’t. Ask questions and genuinely listen to the answers. And leave silent pauses, which is hard but makes space for them to reflect and add more

Sorry, I think I've framed it wrong. I'm less concerned with her 'leading him on', more musing about how directly I point out that her flirting/touching/being very physical with her friend will and is having a direct impact on how this other boy sees her, which he himself has verbalised. I worry she is sabotaging, intentionally or otherwise.

Again, so aware I should probably just butt out and leave her to it. I'd find that easier if she didn't talk about it all the time!