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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teen driving us crazy

24 replies

Mlopez60120 · 15/12/2025 17:34

Hello, we are parents of 3. the two oldest boys are 30+ years one is married and had a child. The Our has cerebral palsy and requires 24/7 care.
Our daughter is 16 she was adopted from China when she was 8 months. Sweet girl no she is a teen monster. Question is now that she is 16, she seems to hate the world, we give space to her and accommodate trips to store, mall, food, boyfriend. It is hard not to say anything because she will reply with negative attitude or just plain rude. Not sure if we should ignore and hopefully, she outgrows it or what advise can anyone provide.
-She is a straight A student
-She has a group of friends
-She is in choirs
-She volunteers at the library 2 hours on the weekend.

Challenges
-Rude and always seems upset
-Has no desire to learn how to drive
-She likes to be in her room
-She has a cat, and she is good with it and responsible

OP posts:
Sillysoggyspaniel · 15/12/2025 17:45

Have you spoken to her about why she is unhappy? Can she pinpoint what the issue is?

herbalteabag · 15/12/2025 17:54

Most of those things are relatively typical for her age. When you say 'upset', what do you mean exactly?

Original poster
Mlopez60120 · 15/12/2025 22:59

In conversation, she tends to sidestep or provide little detail. She is a good daughter; she is not on drugs or drinking. We have just started seeing a psychologist. When I say "upset," it's more like a "don't bother me" attitude. It depends on her mood when she wakes up.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 15/12/2025 23:08

Why is having a cat and being good with it a challenge??

MCF86 · 15/12/2025 23:15

That really does all sound pretty normal. Don't push her to be more chatty or say she has to come out of her room, just make sure you are people she will want to spend time with when that does happen

TartanMammy · 15/12/2025 23:52

This sounds completely normal. Are you in the UK or from a different culture? Just you mentioned learning to drive but she's only 16, so not even old enough to drive yet and it's really not a big deal. I'm wondering if your cultural expectations of having a 'good daughter' are at odd with the reality of raising teens. Nothing you describe raises any red flags at all, yes tricky to navigate but typical teen stuff.

awrbc81 · 16/12/2025 09:55

It sounds fairly normal to me. I’d focus on the positives, you have a DD with a good friend group who works hard at school, doesn’t drink and sings in choirs - that all sounds amazing.
Are you in the US if she’s driving at 16, or is she about to turn 17? Either way I don’t think it’s a big deal to leave it a year or two, she’ll do it when she’s ready.
Try and find some common ground to spend time with her doing something you both enjoy- even if it’s watching a TV series together.
I would be trying to find out if anything in particular is troubling her too, or if it’s normal teen stuff.

Cynic17 · 16/12/2025 10:16

Er.....liking to be in her room sounds completely normal to me. Don't you remember being 16, OP?

CraftyPlayer · 16/12/2025 10:18

She sounds like a normal teenager.

Octavia64 · 16/12/2025 10:19

Having a cat and being good with it is great.

if she is in the U.K. she is too young to drive anyway so this is not an issue

most teenagers like to spend time in their tooms

only the rudeness is an actual issue

sundayvibeswig22 · 16/12/2025 10:21

She’s doing a lot of things well. I’d focus on those things.
some of the behaviour you mention sounds pretty typical. She’s growing up, finding herself and independent. Are you in the USA?

has she had therapeutic support to help her process being adopted?

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/12/2025 10:22

She sounds pretty good to me and better than a lot her age. Particularly as half her ‘challenges’ are not challenges - likes to be in her room? Is good with her cat? Defo encourage the driving thing, but if she doesn’t want to it is her loss - just don’t taxi her around in compensation, when she could learn. So really we are left with her being a bit rude (also pretty normal - deal with it as per), and upset (talk to her about it?)

mumonthehill · 16/12/2025 10:31

Very typical teenager and i would focus on the positives, call out rudeness and give her space. One thing though is as she is adopted and I take it living in a different culture she may at 16 be thinking about her identity, her biological parents etc so perhaps give this some thought as well.

waterrat · 16/12/2025 12:40

I'd kill to have a teen who was getting good grades and volunteered !

Sounds like you want her to be smiley and cheerful with you - that's not the norm for teens, they are biologically wired to pull away from their parents and find them cringey I'm afraid.

aCatCalledFawkes · 16/12/2025 15:30

Quite normal here, still a bit like that at 18yrs. With regards to driving my daughter also said she wasn't interested and at one point was refusing to learn but being one of the youngest in her year she started to see everyone else was doing it and she passed her test last April. She drives everyday now and she's really good at it.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 16/12/2025 15:49

I'm sorry but you have little to complain about here.

She is a straight A student, has friends, is in a choir and volunteers each week. She is a 'good daughter' in your own words, and not on drugs or drinking.

She is a perfectly normal teenage girl, trying to figure out her place in the world as she navigates a difficult stage in her life. Being a teen is tough. I remember it well. You don't feel like a child but you are not yet quite an adult either. Your hormones are raging and you are trying to find out who you are.

So, she wants to be in her room by herself. So do 99% of teens of that age. She doesn't want to drive. Why is it so important that she does? Surely that is up to her to decide if she wants to or not.

Have you tried gently just talking to her? Ask her about why she is sometimes rude and moody? Is there a reason she is acting this way that she would like to talk to you about?

Teens ARE just rude and moody. Your daughter is not being anything but a typical teenager. Not saying that you have to condone the rudeness or the moods, but there could be all manner of reasons she seems negative and angry at the world (as you put it)

If her being a bit rude and moody is all you have at this stage then you are doing really bloody well to be honest.

blankcanvas3 · 16/12/2025 16:36

She’s a teenager. She will outgrow it. But she sounds like she’s doing great so I don’t really see your issue

Original poster
Mlopez60120 · 17/12/2025 23:38

Trying to figure out things. They say when kids are mean to animal sign of deeper issues. She takes care of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mlopez60120 · 17/12/2025 23:40

We tried to speak with her. Concern is we do not want to drive her crazy. We continue to be positive and we give her space.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mlopez60120 · 17/12/2025 23:42

We are in USA in Florida

OP posts:
ladycardamom · 18/12/2025 02:01

She was adopted at 8 months old. Have you learnt about attachment theory, intergenerational trauma, her history of adversity affecting her inter-uterine and infant development and mental health? There are a lot of well researched long term reactions to being separated from your birth family.

Tinkerbellthefairy · 18/12/2025 02:04

She sounds like a normal teen to me.

Woventwigs888 · 18/12/2025 02:33

Totally normal op don’t worry!

They are splitting away from you and maturing in to their own person but can’t yet live independently so their bedroom is a safe half way house. Give it five years and she will emerge a much happier person, don’t worry 😆

Seriously though, don’t take the grumpiness personally. They have to appear cool and together to the outside world while feeling wracked with doubts inside, so we get it in the neck when they get home and the mask slips!

Decide on your boundaries as to where you draw a line on the rudeness. Walk away if you have to until she addresses you respectfully. But at the same time leave all lines of communication open. Latch on to any little glimmer of positivity. Start each day afresh and don’t let the negativity spiral too low. Have some one on one time in the car or go to a favourite coffee place or whatever,

You have a lot on your plate but now is the time to invest in yourself op, see your friends if your caring role permits, exercise, take care of yourself as she will be observing how you handle stress and how you handle life generally.

They need us to be functioning well and modelling resilience and this period is a bit of a marathon so don’t let it get you down!

I recommend Lisa Damour’s bk Untangled and her podcast and website!

Mydadsbirthday · 18/12/2025 10:09

I don't understand your title - in what way is she driving you crazy? This makes no sense. She sounds totally normal and well adjusted.

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