Teenagers and tattoos...

[zazas]

So 18 year old DD visited her 25 year old sister at the weekend and her sister gave her a poke and stick tattoo on her arm. It is a line swirling pattern on her forearm.

DD (18) has had a discussion with me that she was thinking about a tattoo - but also admitting that she wan't ready yet for it, wasn't quite sure what she wanted (but thought it would be around her upper arm), that she didn't want her sister to do it (she is not a professional tattooist but has done poke and stick tattoos over her own body and also has others done professionally with a tattoo gun - she probably has about a dozen now) and was also fully aware that she needed to give it more thought.

I knew when she returned home yesterday evening that something had happened and she admitted and showed me it. I am not against tattoos in general but I do think that getting one just when you have turned 18 (because you can) when you don't know what you want and also after having a conversation with me all about the reasons to wait - then doing anyway it quite hard for her father and I to come to terms with right away without having some sort of reaction.

DD(18) also has some elements of vulnerability in the sense that she has an Autistic Diagnosis, is currently have a year out before resitting some of her A Levels (although she is working part time) and has high social anxiety so has little interaction with others her own age - and also struggles with decision making. She is still very very dependant on us for many things...all things her sister knows.

However my DH is very upset, he is much less keen on tattoos, feels that she is not mature enough to make a decision like this and also (and I think this is his main issue) that her sister did it (knowing his feelings on the subject). He also (rightly or wrongly) believes that one tattoo leads easily on to another... He has expressed his disappointment by text (it was quite late last night when all this happened) to DD(25) re her responsibility in doing the tattoo.

DD(25) response (by text ) to DH was, "I believe she is very capable of making the decision and I would never anything that would hurt her now or down the line. She wanted a tattoo from her loving big sister. If that upset is stemming from you not knowing. I can't be responsible for that. If your upset is stemming from you dislike of tattoos. I can't be made responsible for that. I really thought you would be happy she got a beautiful tattoo from her big sister in a safe environment."

OK it is done now, I have perspective of course and in the overall scheme of things it is minor - but I just need some wise words to help my DH move on yet make both DDs aware that we do have our own feelings on this and why they might not understand them in context of where they are in life, as their parents these views still need to be respected.

Any thoughts wise ones?

I'd be more worried about the quality of the tattoo and what hygiene practices were used.

As you say, it's done now. Your 18yr may have felt like she wanted it at the time but given that she wanted to wait would she have said yes to please her big sister? Does she look up to her?

I would be very annoyed/upset about this, mostly because I would assume that DD1 coerced DD2 into it. However if DD2 is happy with it - and that is really the only thing that matters - I would drop it because complaining about it after the fact may make her like it less and feel horrible about it.

As she is 18 your feelings about her getting a tattoo in general are beside the point really.

What’s a poke and stick tattoo? Is it permanent?

my DD18 has said she wants to get one but doesn’t know what yet. I got one at 19 and while I liked it at the time it really looks shit now 😆 although had it at the top of my thigh so is easily covered. I’ve also got my late sisters nickname on my wrist and while it does actually mean something it’s very blurred now and you can’t tell
what it says. I think most people I know regret their inkings. Saying all that you DD is 18 and is legally an adult so although you may be disappointed she does have autonomy

I do wonder if it was done by a professional rather than her sister would have made us feel different...although I feel the hygiene was ok - quality (no expert!) but it looks 'ok' as it is a swirly pattern so doesn't look like anytime specific so to compare.
I have a feeling that there was some pressure - DD(25) is the only sibling out of the five to have any tattoos and although DD(18) says there was no pressure - it is a relationship that we have seen some elements of jealousy and manipulation expressed by the older daughter to the younger.
As I mentioned, DD(18) has no social life so spending time with her older DS is something that she does crave.
Totally agree with it is done now and to move on which is what I am trying to make sure we do....and not make anything worse than it needs to be.
Thanks

Yes it is permanent - it is "a non-electric tattooing method where ink is manually "poked" into the skin with a single needle, instead of using an electric tattoo machine"
Apparently wasn't painful!

My concern would be quality and hygiene first and foremost. I have a combination of 'normal' tattoo, ie: standard machine tattoo, and stick and poke tattoos. All done by professionals in studios though.
I'd imagine that, as with any tattoo, the skill of the artist - not in terms of the art itself - but in terms of how deep or shallow it was deposited will alter the final look. Too deep and it scars, to shallow and it doesn't last. Given it was a 'home done' thing, and I assume your daughter isn't a tattoo artist, I'd be questioning what it'll look like when healed. And was it genuinely hygienically done. I doubt it - not to a professional cleanliness standard.

And finally, in my personal opinion, if someone wants to do DIY tattoos on themselves, that's their choice, but they shouldn't be doing it to someone ese. Even taking aside the peer pressure, vulnerability aspect, it's not something you should just be doing willy nilly. I'm pro tattoo. Granted, I waited until I was 30 and definitely sure I wanted them before going ahead, but I'm not against people having tattoos. But DIY is not the way to go.

The fact it wasn't painful makes me think it wasn't deep enough, cause I've sat for around 6 hours of stick and poke, and they do hurt when done right. They're not as painful as machine linework, in my opinion, but they are more painful than machine shading.

Is the older daughter your daughter?

are the sisters step sisters?

I would be cross at the 25 year old who clearly knew it wouldn’t land well hence not mentioning beforehand

Yes that probably captures some of my (our) feelings. No she is not professionally trained and while she is genuinely a talented artist - the main tattoos that DD(25) has had done - she has had them done professionally and they certainly look well done while all her own stick and poke are sorted of faded and randomly placed and yes look a bit DIY.

The older one is my step daughter the younger one is my daughter so half sisters.
It is my DH (oldest one's father) that is more upset at the older one - I am trying to all make sure it all doesn't get out of hand...

And dh is not 18 year old father? Or is?

yes I imagine he is upset with his adult daughter who has clearly taken advantage of her vulnerable teen step or half sister.

Essentially this is about you feeling you have to manage your husband’s resentment at not being in a position to control the decision making?

Because, regardless of autism or any other diagnosis, teenagers are going to do things that their parents won’t like. They may or may not later regret their decisions, (or misjudged impulses) but it’s a necessary part of growing up.

In the words of Elsa “let it go”

Sorry if it is confusing. DH (not 18!) father to both daughters DD25 and DD18. They are half sisters.

As they're half sisters they must share a dad since OP isn't the oldest mum.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume the younger was taken advantage of. At 18 no one could stop me getting a tattoo, but I absolutely would have paid my parents lip service if they asked me about it

The older daughter is manipulative and it looks like she’s used her younger sister to get one over on what she sees as her ‘stick in the mud’ father.

Like prison tattoos? 😬

It doesn’t matter what you or your DH thinks about

Firstly, disapproving of a tattoo won’t make it go away. It’s done. No point in dwelling on it as that will achieve nothing.

Secondly, she’s an adult and she could have walked into any tattoo studio and got a tattoo if she’d wanted to at any point from her 18th birthday onwards. Nothing illegal has happened. She doesn’t need permission to make changes to her own body any more.

Whether you like it, hate it or are concerned about it, it’s done and can’t be undone so any reprimands, arguing, discussion etc are all entirely pointless.

More like tattooing done by indigenous people in Pacific island communities.

Plenty of professional tattoo artists offer stick-and-poke work too.

Nothing to be done about it now. But maybe look at getting a professional tattoo done over the top so it at least looks better.

Plenty of professional tattoo artists offer stick-and-poke work too

But don’t they work out of accredited premises? I’m not in the UK so it may not exist there, but where I am you can go to accredited tattoo shops that have an inspection certificate on the wall. They have single use needles, use autoclaves for equipment, sterilise areas as needed, the premises are basically to the same hygiene standard as professional cosmetic procedures. Sure, this means they charge more but it’s peace of mind. Or, you can go to someone’s garage, get a ‘prison tattoo’, pay peanuts and take the risk of both infection and a shit job. Some of my kids have tattoo’s but they all went to professional accredited premises to get them.