Missing the younger him / feeling left out

[Fortyisthenewblack]

First time poster here (long time lurker) so please go gentle - I am really struggling at the minute. I have 2DS's, aged 14 and 12. I need support with my relationship or response to my relationship with my DS14. I am having a hard time adjusting to parenting teen over child and would appreciate support and guidance.

My 14 year old - he is a good boy, nothing I can truly complain about. But I feel like I am only of interest to him to provide food or money. I know many teen parents will probably say this is normal, but how do you handle that? Feeling so redundant? It's made 10 times harder by the fact that my husband is not experiencing this. He gets the chirpy "Hey dad..." and they share interests like computing and guitar, neither of which I'm interested in. My DH says try to get into his world, and I do try, but I can't force myself to like, be good at or be interested in computing and guitar. I have tried in other ways through TV/films or even sending reels, asking about friends etc. and it works briefly but doesn't hold. Last night I put on a film for us all, DS12 stayed with me and cuddled up and watched it - and I'm grateful for that. DH made drinks and intended to watch it, went to invite DS14. He then found DS14 on the guitar, he declined the film and DH instead joined him, never returned and they then did this all evening. I went to bed alone around 10pm. I want to be happy for them and their relationship but instead I am feeling so pushed aside and irrelevant, almost feel resentful of DH for being able to have something special with him and I can't.

I don't want to feel this way or behave differently towards anyone. I've cried about 5 times this weekend, crying now because I can't shake these feelings. I know the issue here is with me and for me to fix, he has done and is doing absolutely nothing wrong. I just miss the younger him so much, miss what we were as a family unit. I know it is definitely heightened by time of the month and Christmas nostalgia, perhaps through having an all male household too. I'm just after any advice from anyone who has experienced similar, and how you are handling or have handled it. And if someone can also tell me it's normal/I'm not alone or crazy, that would be great too.

It is a phase and will get better. Keep the lines of communication open and show an interest if he starts a conversation about anything.
I find cooking nice smelling things brings them to the kitchen and I was always happy to give lifts so that gave us some time together.

I think its nice he's so close to your DH tbf and that they share interests . I think maybe just enjoy that and the 12 year old seems close to you ? Is there an interest you share as your DH suggested ?

It is wonderful, and I want them to have that - I just want a part for me too. I am enjoying time with my other DS, I just yearn for that whole family time which we used to always have. I have tried with the film thing with DS14, as he does like these but he'll always choose his phone first so it's hard to hook him in.

Thanks, yes I also do lifts and love this time together to talk or even radio channel hop. He always looks happy to see me and is kind, I just miss that extended family time that we used to always have. I feel like I'm maybe grieving a bit.

Develop an interest in computing and guitar even if you don’t feel it. I sit with my 16 yo when he plays FIFA, I hate football and gaming, but I ask questions a players and teams and he chats away. I love listening to him if not the topic. Also someone suggested lifts. I find giving lifts great to chat to my children. I don’t allow them to be on phones in the car, other than to manage the song playlist.

It’s really hard when they need you less, my DS is nearly 13 and I see him wanting his own space more and more. I try to keep communication open, am available to give him lifts - and always make time in the car meaningful even if it’s a chat about something silly. I check in with him and ask him for help with things I could probably do myself but that make him feel grown up. It’s an adjustment and a shift to a more equal relationship with him. I ask his advice about things and listen to what he thinks. He doesn’t want to watch family movies but I’ve found a couple of more adult programmes we watch together and I’m teaching him to cook. Basically I try to find reasons to spend time together which is working so far.

I think grieving for the family you had is a little extreme but not something you should wallow in (I mean that kindly).
Your DS sounds like a great young man, wonderful that he has such a good relationship with his Dad too.
Your relationship with teens has to change and evolve. Your DH is right about meeting him where he is. Your DS still loves you but doesn't need you in the same way. That is what successful parenting should look like.

You are not going crazy, I think these feelings are quite common and very normal. Your ds sounds like a great young man.
My ds is 24 and I remember the ebb and flow of the teen years. The advice to 'meet him where he's at' is spot on. I used to watch Top Gear, feign interest in FIFA and found more adult box sets to watch together on Netflix (e.g. breaking Bad).
I found ds needed me quite a lot when he was 18 and in his first year of uni and so there was a lot of Whattsapping, visits for coffee and a walk (he was less than an hour away) and quite a lot of 'life advice'. Then as he gained confidence it ebbed away again. He's now 24 and I think our relationship is now adult to adult (except for a bit of nagging about making dentist appointments!). When he comes home we still find some time for family time - it's different but no less precious.
Hardest bit of parenting without a doubt - letting them go! But if they go with love you have done your job.

You need to get interested in what he is.

sorry

i know far more than frankly I need or want to about Japanese anime for exactly this reason.

Same household make up here but mine are older teens/adults.

What I would day is that you can be interested in things you wouldn't normally be interested by being interested in what your ds does with them. You don't then try and have the same type of conversations as he had with his dad, you have your own versions.

Keep it low key and casual and it won't feel forced or artificial and your ds will talk to you about his interests.

Just a casual "good session?" asked after he's been doing guitar stuff with his dad. Or "have you got a favourite thing you play at the moment?", "what's this bit of the guitar called?"...

It really shouldn't matter whether you're interested enough to pick up the hobby yourself. It's not that type of interest you need to show. It's also not about ending up knowing as much about it as he and his dad do or trying to join in those conversations.

If you can find casual questions like that to ask every now and then, and show to him that you are interested in what he's doing because it's what he's doing, and let him talk about it, you can build connections even around things you don't like.

You don't need to know a lot about computing to ask him how that's going either. Ask him how it's going, if he's doing anything particularly tricky or interesting or new at the moment. "I didn't quite follow the detail there but I'm glad you got it working".

For playstation games you can even even get a bit of the side by side chat similar to driving going by pausing nearby and asking casual questions about what's in the game, does he think it's a good one, say you like the way they've done that bit of scenery or something like that (I'm not suggesting lying, as there are some amazing graphics in video games).

It's not going to be instant but I promise you can build connections around new things like that. Try to get to a state where your ds's are keen to come and tell you about a new achievement or breakthrough or idea even though they won't go into the technical detail with you that they might with their dad. Don't try to fake a deep interest in the technical details, but equally don't exclude yourself so they just think you have no interest at all in what they're doing.

Don't worry, this is just relationships gradually changing, not going away. Sometimes the connections will feel like they need more conscious work on your part, that's all, but they'll still be there.