12yo struggling with identity questions – how best to support?

[bristolme]

A friend is feeling very worried about their 12-year-old daughter and I’m hoping for some perspective or experience.
She’s recently seemed quite anxious and confused about her feelings. From messages to friends, it looks like she’s been questioning whether she might be bi, trying to work this out by being physically affectionate with female friends, while also showing interest in boys. She doesn’t seem distressed about sexuality itself so much as very stressed about needing to understand or label her feelings, and it’s causing a lot of anxiety.
It made me wonder whether, now children are exposed to conversations about sexual identity earlier, some feel pressure to “figure it out” before they’re emotionally ready. Things that might once have been seen as normal same-sex closeness or friendship can feel loaded when labels are introduced.
An added complication is that she doesn’t feel able to talk openly to her parents, who come from an Asian background where these topics are more sensitive. They are loving, supportive parents, but the cultural gap do exist.

• Is this kind of confusion and anxiety normal around 11–12?
• How can adults best support a child so she feels safe, unpressured, and not rushed into labels?

They’re not judgmental and aren’t trying to steer her in any direction, they’re mainly worried about her mental wellbeing and about her feeling alone with her worries. They’re also considering gently involving a psychologist they already know, to give her a safe, neutral space to talk. Has anyone seen similar situations, either personally or professionally? Any thoughts on how best to support a child at this stage would be really appreciated.

I had this from my daughter at around the same age. I think it's a normal part of growing up. I would just reassure her that it's fine to not know and also that for some people sexuality is quite fluid and can change over their life or depend on who they fall in love with. Boxes aren't real helpful for some people.

There is huge social pressure to have labels. My teenager is older but at 12/13 so many of her friends started saying they were bisexual, seemingly mostly confusing affection and admiration with attraction. Definitely that pressure was there when they were too young to be sure of their feelings or really have any understanding of sexual relationships. This thing of boxes was railed against by my generation, I think it’s really regressive , the ‘gender’ boxes, the sexuality boxes. They are exposed to far too much sexualised content too early. Even if you keep your own child off things like TikTok, the peer pressure is there.
I would keep emphasising that labels are for tins of food, not people, and that it’s too young to know how your adult self will feel.