How do I help her? Take her phone? Ground her?

[StudentMomma]

My daughter needs to cut off her abusive ex but his claws are in so deep she won’t stop talking to him.

My daughter (16F) and her ex/boyfriend (16M) have been together 18 months, they went to the same high school and are at the same college. About 6 months into there relationship we noticed he was attempting to control her, causing her to stop seeing certain friends, she stopped wearing make up and leggings (he said leggings where too revealing), he said she was too close my myself and her dad and our relationship is wierd, also said her relationship with her siblings is too much.
We went on holiday in June and it was 45 degrees Celsius - he told her (through FaceTime) she ‘wasn’t aloud’ to wear a bikini, he also went crazy at her for dressing up in the night time. She still wore a bikini and dressed up so he just spent the whole time arguing with her. The whole holiday she was miserable and on her iPad talking to him (we left her phone at home to try and avoid this) he ended up breaking up with her for a few days, then getting back with her.
She then went abroad again with my mum a month later and he did the same thing, to the point my mum called me worried for her and I had to fly out and bring her home.
Every single time she organised a sleep over he caused an argument and she’d end up crying and not going. Everytime she went to his house he’d take her phone and go through it.

Myself and my husband (her dad) have spoke to her on numerous times telling her this relationship is toxic and she needs to leave him. She does seem to take in what we say, we can tell by the arguments they have, like her being invited to a sleepover and him going mad and she turns her phone off.

7 days ago they broke up because he went mad at her in college for having make up on, then the argument continued into the evening because she went to her friends after college.

5 days ago, she went to see a friend who her ex told her she wasn’t aloud to see anymore and had a nice night. I told her to turn her location off and ignore everyone and just have fun with her friend as we both knew her ex would go mad if he found out.
When she got home she called the police because he posted 2 innapropriate videos of them on Snapchat, as a punishment for her ignoring him. Then he threatened her dad and said he was coming to our home to cause criminal damage. He continued to send threats whilst the police were with us. Police eventually found him and arrested him. He was released the next day and told to not contact her.

They have been talking consistently since, we’ve spoke to her about it so many times and she knows logically they can’t get back together but she is still talking to him. She is weepy and emotional, she won’t eat, she’s struggling to sleep, she’s quiet, but still talking to him. She can’t block him because he’d logged into her instagram before from his phone, so instagram wont let her. So they’re still talking on that. He’s blocked on everything else I think.

I have no idea what to do, I don’t want to go as extreme as taking her phone and iPad. I want her to see this through logical eyes and make the decision herself. But I can’t just ignore it as if they get back together there relationship will be 10x worse than it was before.
I feel like I can’t keep doing what I’m doing because she’s still stuck in this toxic relationship and it needs to end.
Any advice would be appreciated. 🙏

If he’s been told not to contact her by the police Perhaos they need to speak with him again and explain what next steps would be as it seems Hes not stayed away according to thwir records (not naming anyone if that’s possible)?

I don’t have experience of this but Women’s Aid might be able to give you some advice if you give them a call. You could ask them in doing the Freedom Programme online would be appropriate. Or if they have a teen version (even if you have to bribe her to do it!)

Report to the police

She is vulnerable and he is using it against her

Get a ring door bell too

The police have told him not to contact her so you should report it to them and they should speak to him / remind him of next steps if he continues to contact her. Would your daughter consider closing her instagram account for the time being ? That way he wouldn’t be able to contact her. She can then set up a new account if this is how she contacts her other friends and make sure he stays blocked / can’t get access to her phone.

I think you need to report this to the police. He's been told not to contact her, and he has continued. The police need to speak to him, and tell him straight what will happen if he continues. I agree with others perhaps a charity like Woman's Aid might be able to help? Are the college aware of the situation? If not, then they need to be as this is a safeguarding issue - it makes no difference that the lad is 16. Your daughter is vulnerable, and likely scared of him. The college needa to know the police are involved. Where are his parents in all of this?????

I would take her phone and iPad. Go away for a week or two, send her to Nan’s if you can. Anything to get distance between them.
I would then get her a new number.
is there anyway you can talk to his parents? He sounds like a nightmare. She’s so young, and this is something she should not have to deal with (no one should).

Gosh what a worry OP! Maybe talk to her, actually, .. listen to her. Why? What is it that she's thinking and feeling. The more she talks and talks, even if it's hard to hear on your side, she will hear herself, think things through, and over time get stronger. Get her to do the talking as much as possible. You can download resources - freedom programme etc - set out in black and while the tactics of these men - there are themes! What he would likely do if children involved. Really difficult 💐💐

Liaise with police - inform them the problem is ongoing not resolved

watch the freedom programme resources together

get therapy for your dd

she is being abused and has been for some time and this will be changing the hard wiring in her brain -

causing her stress receptors to be activated more readily as she is living under threat

her concentration/ focus / ability to engage with the world outside of this ongoing threat will be affected

her expectations and assumptions of herself and relationships will be being affected

she is more at risk of experiencing abusive relationships in the future

maintain a supportive relationship with her - you absolutely don’t want her to feel any blame / shame for his behaviour

but at the same time do everything you can to extract her from this abuse and help her to process this trauma and update her beliefs about herself and relationships

https://www.remediuk.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/remedi-cease.pdf

please get in touch with Cease/Remedi for further professional advice

She is 16 not 12. Support her in every way you can by making her life without him better. Punishment is not appropriate,it just adds to the drama. Likewise taking away phone/ipad.

if she really wanted away from him closing her instagram and blocking him would help but only if she does it. Make it clear that it is not your life that is being wrecked but hers. If you don’t pressure her she can see that the pressure is coming from him.

Have you tried speaking to his parents?

Agree with everyone else - keep reporting his contact and threats to the police.

We had similar at that age, although not quite as extreme. I’d echo the other PPs in following up with the police as the abuse is continuing.

You are doing a great job! This is a horrible situation and so far you are supporting your daughter well without alienating her. She is still talking to you and listening to your good messages. Keep asserting that he is not allowed to tell her what to wear, what to do, whom to see, how to act - all of it. Keep encouraging her to live her life and not to share her location with him but to share with you. Keep up the hard work! You'll be rid of this loser sooner rather than later but persistence is key.

Notify the police today so that they can do their job. Contact them every time he contacts her. Don't hesitate to nag them.

If he's posting/sending images and videos of her, he is breaking the law: that is a serious criminal offense. If you can, screenshot everything he sends her, especially the snapchat posts (since snapchat auto-deletes - although, police may be able to bypass that and see history).

Help her change her phone number and accounts (e.g. Insta, snapchat, email, AppleID for location sharing). Buy a new SIM today (if she's on a contract, just keep paying it: that's the least of your worries) . ASDA mobile does a PAYG £5/month SIM with unlimited minutes/texts + 3GB of data monthly. (other companies will have good deals too) You can just take out her current SIM with the number he knows and put in a new one. Then she can location share with you for her safety and your peace of mind but not share with him.
She can share her number with family and trusted - this is key - friends.

Do her friends know that he is abusing/controling her? Make sure that they are aware so they can support her and not be accidentally giving him information. (He's probably full of puppydog eyes and 'she really loves me' lines so they should be warned to avoid him and not give anything away.)

Notify her college so they can help keep her safe and sanction him. They need to know that he's already been arrested once.They can notify staff discretely and staff can help monitor him. They should contact his parents and they should help her change her official college email address, etc. just in case he tries to use these to contact her.

The college should be all over this and they should have lots of ways to help.
(If not, report them to Ofsted/LEA because they are assessed on these things and should have policies in place)

Definitely follow all the links from PPs for further advice and support.

Keep up the hard work! You'll be rid of this loser sooner rather than later but persistence is key.