Teen girl without a big group of friends

[Buslane]

My dd is 16. She’s lovely, good company, kind. She can be pretty untidy and a bit silly but she’s a really good kid.

She’s had quite a few issues with friends. Low level bullying mainly.

She doesn’t seem to have loads of friends to do things with. She goes to parties with people but doesn’t seem to have a solid core group of friends. She says a lot of the girls at her college are quite judgey and it often gets quite bitchy between girls. She prefers hanging out with boys but then says they develop more romantic feelings towards her so it becomes awkward.

She isn’t miserable (at least not outwardly). She has a job, plays sport, goes to the gym and works hard at school but I wish she had a lovely group of friends. She chats to friends online. But doesn’t have sleepovers much now. She tends to go to gigs with either me or her dad.

She’s got a profoundly disabled sibling which makes life for us all really challenging. She’s not interested in going to young carers or anything like that. I just worry about her quite a bit as it has been really hard for me to establish any kind of network of friends. So I might be projecting my own worries onto the situation. But I often see lots of girls out together and I feel a bit sad for my dd.

I am only saying this because I also have a profoundly disabled child who has a younger sister, but could she be neurodivergent maybe? I missed it in my daughter because she is so capable compared with her brother but it turns out she is audhd. She seems fine when at home but struggles to keep up socially at school a bit. She has friends but only a few and they are all neurodiverse and she is much younger than you would expect for her age.

As long as she’s happy enough in herself, I wouldn’t worry too much. Some people prefer socialising one on one and she probably gets a lot out of her sports.

I have a young child who I think will struggle to make friends so this post has stood out to me. I have no advice but someone told me something about my own situation which helped me: we often judge (or worry!) about a situation based on how we would feel if it was us. So if you were that girl who had no solid friends, it would upset you, hence it bothering you when you see it happening to your daughter, however it might be something she is totally fine and happy with. You have described what sounds like a happy girl!

She must break out of her insecurites and choose better friends. She must stick up for herself where possible and demand the respect she deserves.

She doesn’t seem to have loads of friends to do things with. She goes to parties with people but doesn’t seem to have a solid core group of friends.

I don't think there is anything strange or unusual or disappointing about this.

People 'do friendship' differently.
Some people find themselves part of a group that do lots together, others don't.
Some people happily go to things (like the parties you mention) with 'people they are friendly with' , other wouldn't.
Some people have one or two closer friends and don't have a fixed wider group of friends.
Some people happily get on with whoever they are with circumstantially but aren't bothered about keeping in touch longer term.

It sounds like your dd has plenty of people to hang out with - she is enjoying her sport and she is being invited to parties.
I wouldn't expect 16 yr olds to be 'having sleepovers'.

I think you are projecting you idea of friendship onto her, when there isn't an issue.

I am very social but have never had a close core group of friends, in the way some girls/women do. I have lots of friends but they tend to be from different parts of my life so most of my social life is either one on one interactions or big group ones like parties. I'm perfectly happy this way, perhaps your DD is too?

Where are you getting this from? It doesn't seem to relate to the op at all?

Op, it's not clear whether she has friends just no the 'big group' you think she should have or if she has no friends at all?

I would forget the idea of having a big group. That's not essential to happiness. Having a few good friends who really get you is far more important than chasing popularity.

She sounds like she's got a good range of interests and healthy boundaries, in that she is discerning about who she hangs out with and avoids drama. Maybe her people just aren't at college?

I think some of it is thinking about how I grew up, I was badly bullied and haven’t really got a core group of friends as my social circle has shrunk to practically nil. So I might be over worrying. Especially as she’s our eldest and her siblings are both ND so it’s completely different.

She does stand up for herself with people who’ve been awful to her. One of her ex best friend’s spread a horrible and malicious rumour about her and she cut her off. The other best friend who was close to is still friends with her ex best friend so she doesn’t have much to do with her now.

I would say she’s relatively happy. She’s not miserable or crying or low and I’m pretty good at picking up on her mood. I think she’s disappointed by alot of her friendships with girls as there’s a lot of bitching and drama and she’s not really into that. She’s got a few friends but I wouldn’t say she sees them loads of a weekend. She’s not got a best friend and isn't super close to anyone. She finds some can be quite two faced, they’ll be complaining about other girls and then spend time with them. I wonder if maybe she’ll find her tribe outside of college. We have had a couple of emails from college saying how brilliant she has been on trips they’ve done and how she’s got a really good energy.

I have wondered if there’s some of ND at play because of her siblings but I can’t really see any traits and I’ve thought about and looked at it quite hard.

Thanks for all the comments, they’ve been really reassuring.

It was the subtle sensory stuff that was the give away with my daughter. Struggling with loud busy places etc.

She sounds like she has a full, busy and happy life. She is well-adjusted and strong enough to have a no-nonsense approach to two-faced friends and therefore doesn’t pander to them. Great boundaries. Honestly you may be worrying for no reason.