DD goes to a really lovely school, she has always had close friends and very few issues and we couldn’t be happier with the choices we made in terms of school.
Recently DD came to me and admitted she was feeling quite upset, we spoke about it more and the issue seems to be that the dynamics of friendship have changed and she’s struggling to adapt.
DD said she felt that in Y7-10 people tended to stick to their own friendship groups, those were the people you’d eat lunch with, walk to school with and do any group work with. There wasn’t necessarily any bullying, at least not involving DD, but people did tend to stick to their own groups. She also noted that overwhelming the groups were split by gender and the boys would stick together and the girls would stick together.
As she has moved into Y11 DD has noted that the dynamics seem to have changed, and while people will still have their core friends, such as people they talk to lots outside of school or go to hobbies with, in the actual school day they seem to be more fluid. She said that in group work there doesn’t seem to be a priority of sticking with friends anymore, people will just pick groups at random. She said she is never left without a group but does find if the group is people she doesn’t feel totally comfortable with she does get a bit shy and not speak up, this results in teachers calling her out for not pulling her weight. She also said that lunchtime is now a bit of a free for all. Y11 get to eat lunch in the same hall as the sixth formers, many of the Y11s have now got friendships with sixth formers, either from siblings or outside of school, so people don’t tend to stick with their core groups, conversations tend to run larger, people will lean over and include people at other tables, and generally don’t make an effort to sit with friends as they more or less view everyone as being a friend to some extent. DD also made it clear she is struggling with the dynamic of the boys and girls being more mingled, friendship groups have expanded and now the boys and girls hang out much more readily together. She told me she finds this uncomfortable as she doesn’t feel like any of the boys really like her or know her, and again she feels a bit shy as it’s not her usual group.
She was keen to point out she doesn’t think her friends are the issue, they check in on her, never leave her totally on her own and they still talk lots outside of school, but in school people are more inclined to just work together as a year group.
Im not actually too sure on how best to support DD with this? I think there is an element of personality where she won’t be the only shy kid struggling but also an element of just having to work on her confidence and integrate more.
Hasn’t anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice?