Books or other ways of managing 13 year old's curiosity about sex

[Fitzcarraldo353]

DS13 (year 8) is obviously pretty curious about women, bodies, sex etc.

He knows that facts. Obviously has done school PSHE stuff and I've also had conversations with him about sex, consent, porn/internet depictions of sex etc as need has arose over the years.

He has a phone and Chromebook and any chance he gets he'll look up sex, sexy women, sexy teachers and worse. Fine, normal curiosity but isn't a great thing to do while on the bus to school or when he's supposed to be doing homework. His phone doesn't usually have chrome access but if I give it to him for legitimate reasons and forget to turn it off again, he'll go searching. Similarly phones and Chromebook only allowed downstairs. We're strict on it because he has come across some really inappropriate stuff before which did upset him (despite all the safe search settings).

ANYWAY my question is, is there anything I can do which will support his normal curiosity about bodies, which I never shame him for, without him looking up all sorts on the internet. Any good books? He has the Dr Ranj one which was great but maybe a bit basic?

How else do I handle this? What did parents do before the internet? 😭

Honestly, I dont think this is 'normal' I've got a 15yr old DS and he would be absolutely mortified if we knew he was searching terms like that. He has same active interest that other boys his age do, he's had a couple of girlfriends too. But your ds seems to be taking it a step too far. My ds search history is mostly golf, football and playstation games and funny memes.

Have you had serious conversations about consent? Misogyny? Not treating women and girls like another species that are only there for his pleasure? I'd be very worried about him being drawn into the manosphere type content and being 'red pilled.' Take this seriously don't brush it off as normal teenage stuff, it's not!

I also don’t think it sounds normal for a 14 year old either 😟

What he's searching is harmless enough. He's just curious about sex but in a fairly 'young' way.

I've had several conversations about misogyny, consent, objectification. He's receptive, bright and engages in the conversation. Often he doesn't realise what's behind this stuff.

I'm also not too worried about manosphere stuff yet. His internet use is monitored and restricted. That's how I know what he's been searching and also know that most of the time he doesn't get results because of the restrictions. The stuff he did see was early on in his phone use when we didn't have settings quite right - lessons learned.

And the vast majority of what he watches on YouTube is football trick shots and classic F1 overtaking. He's not on this all the time but it's cropped up a few times so I'm trying to ensure his questions are answered in a healthy way so he's not having to search.

Curiosity is okay but what you describe is not 'harmless.'

Curiosity is normal, absolutely, but what boys are exposed to online now is intense, unrealistic content that can shape the way they see girls, relationships and themselves. It teaches them nothing about consent or normal intimacy, and it can leave them with some pretty warped expectations.

What he's searching for will have an impact on how he views women . The content is the problem, not your child....for now. The algorithm pulls them into more extreme stuff too. Even if they start with mild curiosity, the platforms push more explicit, more graphic content because it keeps them watching. Search controls are wall fine but I can almost guarantee he'll be accessing stuff some where if this is what he's looking for at home.

So no it’s not harmless and pretending its normal doesn’t really help anyone. There are lots of resources for parents navigating this so please use them, and dismiss it as 'boys will be boys.'

Looking up sex, sexy women, sexy teachers (?) and worse every chance he gets is not normal at 13, no OP. Why would you think it is? My 13 yo DS is not obsessed like this and I would be very concerned if this was all in his internet search history

https://www.theupstreamproject.org.uk/prevent/hsb

https://www.childrenfirst.org.uk/get-support/advice-for-families/guidance-advice/articles/pornography/

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/inappropriate-explicit-content/

As a secondary teacher, I'd say that this is all pretty normal for a 13 year old. Not good having the internet at your fingertips to be able to search up porn, but very normal. I think parents that think their 13/14 year old boys aren't sexually very motivated are in denial. They can't help it. It's their hormones. There may be some later developers that aren't. But most are.

Let's face it. Some 13 year olds are having sex. A lot more than we are comfortable with.

Honestly , mom of 3 teen boys here and yes have a bit of curiosity but nothing like what you describe. I'd keep a very close eye on what he is watching and maybe mention it to the gp if it doesn't settle down and see what they recommend.

No, it’s not normal to be searching sex up every moment he gets. Of course 13 yo boys are developing an interest in sex, that’s normal. But googling sex, sexy teachers, sexy women and worse at every opportunity is quite the obsession for a year 8 child and I do think OP should be concerned about this.

Any boy of that age given unfettered internet access will search it. He's a bundle of raging hormones. Masturbation will be a fairly frequent activity.

40 years ago my brother used to scavenge in bins for porn mags at that age. He grew into a very sedate husband and father.

It's a normal stage. In any given secondary school a proportion of children of that age will be sexually active.

If you're a mum of boys and you think this stuff isn't true you've either got a late developer or he's keeping his sexual interests private. It's normal.

The GP would think you were deluded.

I have a 13 year old boy. I am not stupid, of course he is interested in sex. But I know he doesn’t spend every second he can get googling porn. I know this because in his spare time, he’s usually on his Xbox, playing football or in town with friends. I’m not saying he’s never googled it, but he’s not googling it every chance he can get which is happening with the OPs son. That’s where the issue lies- the obsessive searching for porn every single spare second he can- not normal at 13. He needs to spend his spare time doing other activities not trying to search for explicit images.

I think he just needs his access to the internet curtailed. It's too young to have that kind of access combined with raging puberty hormones. Given that the prefrontal cortex doesn't develop until their 20s, giving them the ability to self-manage/be more sensible, in the early teens parents need to be in charge of what they can have access to.

If they can search for it, they will.

Ok to be clear I don't mean every chance he gets as in he spends all his time doing it. He spends the majority of his time playing football l, playing F1 with hot wheels cars with his younger brother, and reading a lot.

What I mean by every chance is that his access to internet is very heavily managed. He doesn't have chrome or search access available on his phone and he uses his laptop to do homework in the kitchen where we can see. BUT occasionally I've given him chrome access for legitimate reasons and forgotten to remove it for a few hours or a day and on the rare occasions he's had un- monitored internet access he has looked for sexy pictures of women or related content. He doesn't see much because of filters. But as I said because of his access being locked down he doesn't get chances to look for it often. He also searches for football trick shots a lot and car content.

He's not obsessed at all and i probably didn't phrase it well if it came across that way. But he is interested and I'm interested in resources that might answer any questions he has which are making him search for content about sex.

Thanks for some reassurance @ClawsandEffect !

The thing is that every chance he gets without restrictions he does look and the likelihood is that some of his friends never have any restrictions so he could be accessing stuff on others devices so I do think you do need to do something more than you are. Curiosity is normal, most of us were, but we did not have just easy access and to stuff that really is not suitable for that age.

I'm certain that part of his interest is driven by what boys at school are talking about and looking at on the bus home. He doesn't understand it all I think. Which IS why I want 'to do more '. That's exactly why I posted. What resources or books have people come across that will answer questions for him that he can look at himself.

Mum of teen boys here. I think it's very difficult these days to manage their access so that they never see any bad stuff unless you remove all their devices and even then they can look it up on their friends' devices. Instead you can have conversations about porn, what it is, how it's made, what is 'good' porn and what is 'bad' porn so that they learn to make their own choices over what they want to look at.

I would say he probably isn’t looking for answers to questions, not with those search terms: he is probably looking for sexual content. So nothing you can provide him with, will help stop the searching as he isn’t doing it because he needs more knowledge. I mean, check back to when you were between 13 and 15 - did you have a lack of knowledge?!? I’m guessing not, even if you grew up before the advent of internet-enabled phones.

If you restrict internet use at home, encourage lots of activities, talk to him about consent, realistic portrayals of relationships and the abject horrors of porn (child sexual expolitation, misogyny, the centring of men’s gratification and experiences etc) then I don’t think there is much more you can do 🤷‍♀️.